Liars.
I've been trying to tell the truth in life as much as I can... I mean as soon as I recognize a truth within myself I want to acknowledge it and not push it aside, and I want to tell the truth of my experience as soon as I know it. And I want to tell the truth about what is going on with me and how I feel and my worldview... and I want to trust that what the other person is saying is true. So few can be trusted. And I aim to fill my life with only those people I trust. I'm done trying to decipher, and to suss out what might be meant, or figure out the truth through other channels... I want to meet people who know their own truths. Who won't tell me that the reason they didn't meet me for dinner is that they were just into their tv show. Fuck man. Tell me the fucking truth for once.
But this presents a snag. I'd say 90 percent of the people I know are known liars. My ex is one of the biggest liars on the planet. And despite us making a pact to not lie to each other, she still thinks I am lying to her. Does this mean she is lying to me? Now I think so. Because of something she said last night, I am kind of certain. I mean it was a white lie said a long time ago but... she said she'd never take her current partner to "OUR" sushi place. That was said 2 years ago. Last night she said that her partner doesn't like our sushi place because it's really cold in there.
My sister lies -- everything out of her mouth is a lie. She's a lie herself. Don't get me wrong, I get it, you have to be a fake in this world. You can't have a nice job and wear tats and have crazy hair and make it in the south-- my sister ticks all the boxes nicely here. But understanding why she is the way she is isn't helping me try to communicate with her. I have given up entirely. Just now she came home and asked me if we were taking the boxes to the UPS store tomorrow, I said no, because I wasn't sure what the nurse would say on Monday. I don't know if I can move ... the hotline nurse said it could be diabetes, it could be a mini-stroke for Pete's sake. If I just got diabetes for the first time OR had a mini-stroke I'm not sure I should move across country at this time. It seems counter-intuitive
How does one find truth-tellers? Where is my tribe? I need to sing. But my sister is on her way home... where do I GO?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLz_ykBGGUY
How does one 'attract' truth tellers? One tells the truth. All this time I've been hanging around people who lie, and trying to not lie, and why would I bother? Why am I beating my head against a wall, trying to tell the truth to liars? Is it not time to recognize that I have outgrown my need to lie to protect myself or make myself look attractive or 'a good catch' ?
Ok so going forward, I will be seeking out a truth telling, nurturing, open minded, humanist tribe. I used to think my ex fit in there but she does not. And although I promised to never abandon her, it doesn't mean I have to stay latched on anymore. I do not know if she welcomes my attachment, or wishes it would go away, or feels sorry for me, or does she genuinely care? I'll NEVER KNOW, that's the rub, because she WON'T TELL ME. I should stop barking up that tree. I should find new trees. NEW TREES. NEW TREES. I NEED NEW TREES.
I HONESTLY think my mother should have popped for singing lessons...
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