Well... there must have been some sleep because there was a nightmare. I don't have nightmares much anymore, thankfully. Plagued with them in my younger years though. So I am very tired. And hungry. Fasting in case that was what was expected of me: they don't tell me fucking jack on the phone at my doctor's office. I expect they'd want me to fast for a blood draw, but then again maybe they will want me to have eaten to check my glucose levels? Who the fuck knows. I can always pop next door to the store and grab a donut if they need me to eat first. I'd have called to just ask but... this fucking satellite clinic (under my hospital's umbrella) puts you on hold for like 5 minutes, every time. EVERY time. NO ONE wants to stay on hold 5 minutes and that is why they do that. So they can get away with one receptionist. But I digress. I have to walk down there in a bit. It's a mile. I need the exercise... plus I can't afford Uber both ways and I do not have a bike lock... fuck.
Laying there at 3 a.m. with my eyes closed and a very elegant, perfectly formed sentence came to me. I thought it... then I smiled. That sentence was a shiny one. By the time I sat up and wobbled to the paper and pen, it was corrupted. It was about how I knew the year was going to be monumental and full of wild change but I did not know the depths of the morass I would sink into before the change came.
There are perfectly formed, admirable sentences in me! But I cannot not sleep every night and lay there hoping one will come to me. How do I dig those beauties out? String them together? When I sit to write I am basically just writing down ideas to hopefully expand upon at a later date. Because right now I cannot focus on expansion of ideas, just getting the ideas written down somehow... plus the memories. It's all such a incoherent jumble !
wish I knew what they were going to do at the doc's office. I'm going to request an urgent meeting with my doc too. He's booked solid for weeks but c'mon man I need to fucking see you and I need to see you like two weeks ago. I WILL change docs and I will change hospitals if I have to.
That was the worst morning I've had in some time. After not sleeping, I walk to the doc's office, and wait an hour and a half to be seen. It's freezing in there too. Why didn't I bring a jacket? Despite having drank a half gallon of water seemingly, I could only pee a tiny bit. But it was enough for them to tell me I do not have diabetes. At all.
So they kept me in the exam room for an hour on top of all that. It was freezing in there too. Asked me a million questions because they are re-vamping the computer system-- having to re-input everything. All the while I'm about to drop due to having not eaten, and they know this. I'm waiting waiting waiting for the phlebotomist. They never come. Turns out they left for the day. I have to go to the MEDICAL MALL tomorrow... which is a 15 dollar Uber ride. My clinic is within walking distance but they can't have it done there, not for a month. Booked solid. I want to talk to my doctor, he's booked for a month. I know that's typical in many places but I have been asking to talk to him for ages and he's not getting back to me. I love this guy too. They're going to make him quit piling work on him like this. The place is getting stupid busy. Stupid busy. They need to expand. Now.
I finally get to talk to the nurse and we decide it's possibly my thyroid. It was perfect last time I went in so it didn't even occur to me. But after talking to the nurse for 40 minutes (I was glad I got that time with her at least. Worth the wait, she's pretty caring) it seems like it might be that my thyroid went off the rails PLUS at the same time the stress and anxiety from living with my sister for 4 years having piled up and now it's ... get out or die.
It does not feel prudent to move house across the country at this time. I will be re-evaluating everything about everything. I sank down into some weird place and now I have to pull out of it but I don't think I'd best land in a big city and give up my insurance just yet. Portland, abandoned. That is causing some big sad but hey. I just gotta get out of here first. I can move somewhere near town. I'll get started on that immediately.
They really need to re-arrange the clinic if they are going have so many patients that they keep accepting. It is ridiculous for me to sit in a room for 2 hours then sit in another freezing room for an hour only to miss the very reason I came there-- to get my blood taken. Only to find out that the vampires have already left for the day... while I was waiting for them. Unacceptable bullshit... they should have taken my blood immediately, taken a urine sample immediately, then sat me down. You got old infirm people sitting all up in this clinic waiting for hours while the nurses and docs all stand around the computer trying to learn this new fucking system they've been fighting for weeks now. Jesus christ this is hellworld.
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