The FINAL DIAGNOSIS!

 ... malnutrition. To be perfectly honest, I thought that my feelings for S. is what started the whole not eating thing. I did think that. Because I was not eating about that time and dropping weight even then. From the point where I started dropping weight , going back to calculate as best I can, I have been losing about 3-5 pounds per week. And not noticing because I kept wearing the same baggy clothing every day. Then one day for no reason at all I tried on a pair of pants from my past. And they were baggy. And I nearly fainted-- surely I must have cancer, I thought.

  The decision to move must have exacerbated my condition. Already weak and confused from lack of nutrition, the anxiety and stress of the impending move and my sister's increasing OCD and narcissism ... and I'm the only one who could SEE THAT SHIT,  literally NO ONE ELSE ever sees it. To the rest of the world I am an asshole who hides in their room and only comes out now and then to slap their sister.

 Fuck I'm having hot flashes again. But that means I'm getting better. I was cold as fuck for a while. I drank like 6 protein shakes earlier, ate half a fish sandwich and some fries. It's so odd. The smell of the food-- I love BK, I used to work there. Never got sick of the fish sandwich. Haven't had one for ages and ages. Smelled it, bit into it, regretted it. No taste, and soon as it is in my mouth I want to spit it out. It's an involuntary response! What kind of sick ass god makes it so a malnourished person doesn't want to eat? Is that to cull the herd better? I was starving in my own bedroom with food just feet away.  I thought I had a crush so big it made me not want to eat. Then i thought I had diabetes/blood clot. I thought I had a brain tumor.

  I was just not nourished. This fucking takes the fucking cake. Jesus Christ. Now I've been sitting here playing Fallout 76 for hours and sometimes forgetting where I am, which is nice. There's so much to do here. Endless hours of cleaning. Neighbors to meet (they're all quite friendly), Aldi to explore.

  I'd been looking forward to meeting the next door neighbor because Mike said she was just like me only taller. I thought, oo you never know (hope springs eternal)... it's funny too when he said she was tall I imagined my ex Diane. And when I met my next door neighbor I was kind of stunned by how much she looks like Diane, and that is not a good thing.

  Went out the back door to clean up the garden this morning and looked and saw her sitting there on her side... and she sort of aggressively said "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"  as I cleaned up Mike's side. (My side. Our side). (Why you would question anyone who was doing cleaning , I'll never know).

  She asked me what my name was and couldn't wrap her mind around it. It's not the first time -- this happens a LOT. I tell them "ZED" and they tilt their head like a dog hearing a high pitched noise and say " how do you say that?" and "What kind of name is that?" These people have never heard the word ZED. Not in a video game, or in a movie, or heard a Brit recite the alphabet in its entirety. That right there told me that me and nextie aren't going to be fast friends.