Guess I left my local ad up because some dude just emailed me about a house he's got in NW H'ville. Internet, AC and within biking distance to the bus stop. Provided I could get him to not make me sign a lease I could see wintering here while I get my shit together, but if this doesn't pan out, I am definitely on the road to I don't know where.
With Trump rolling back protections for glbtqi, I might have to stop wearing the binder and show the girls off more, which is going to demean me further. Trying to get my ex in NYC to fucking say yes or no to a visit. She's got so many people visiting her all the time and she didn't mention she was a travel destination until I asked if I could really visit then she's like "OH well let's see I have people coming all of Sept. and October, and then the high Jewish Holidays, etc etc " and I'm like "So. When you say 'Mi casa is su casa" you mean ... at some possible date in the future but not right now? Or, can you shoehorn in a desperate person who really just needs your advice and counsel? We'll see. I'm quickly running out of options. If I hadn't totally fucked up my hair I'd be in a better position to look around. It's also hot as FUCK for some reason after not being hot for so long, it's literally so crazy hot out right now it's debilitating. Was going to walk down to Tuesday Morning to get some new readers but fuck I'll wait until the sun goes down.
M. has sent me 500 dollars via PayPal. She wants to help. She insists. So I'll be off to a room at a hotel by Monday looks like. I'll need to: Uber to LOWE's, rent a truck, get my boxes to the hotel, take the truck back, Uber back to the hotel ....
and then what. I am currently terrified. What am I going to do all day? I'm free. What does a newly freed prisoner do all day? I'm batshit terrified. Where do I go? Other than a hotel. Oh lord I'm afraid. And I have never felt so alone. I just wish I was in a different city. This one sucks so bad, it's not even funny.
Wait, I got some information today that might re-shape my thoughts on moving. In Portland there is an organization that helps trans people do all the things, including find housing. Like I could legit land there, find a hostel for the night, go talk to them and hit the Q Center. It might be time for me to re-enter the world, sans girlfriend or family and go out there alone. I've never done it before, and I'm terrified. TERRIFIED.
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