Scary as it is, I made a Facebook page that is for Huntsville, Alabama: a Huntsville Antifa page. Yes I did. I looked at other states, other cities, they all had a lone page, curated by most likely one person like me, just trying to shine a beacon in the dark.
After a few days, one person liked it, there is one lone soul in this city that is also antifa, and brave enough to share the posts from the page. So I wrote to him to ask him if he wanted to co-mod the page, haven't heard back. But I did gank some memes from his page and shared them on my main. I want this person to know they are not alone in being anti-fascist. I wish I could have seen his face when he saw the page. Must have been like when I found out Sunday is antifa. Although I suspect she does not go to the Proud Boy rallys. Oh man I have missed seeing Sunday up there with the flag.
Found a place to put the boxes: M's house in Birmingham. Why didn't I ask her sooner? She said, anything I needed. I said I'd like to visit (never seen more than a picture of her house) but she's got the kids, and they would not understand. But my boxes will be safe. And my computer. Although I could send the computer to Travis's... I doubt Karen would like to see me hanging out at Travis's house. She's going to have to get used to it though. Trav was my buddy and keeps asking when I'm coming back. Not my fault he lives next door. Karen is being standoffish now. she's going to have to get over the fact I want to be in Portland. I cant imagine the size of her ego to think I'm coming back just to be near her. I don't really want to hang out with her that much... and I'm certain I won't feel the same way I did before now that she's turning into 'the other half' of her partner. I see her losing her personality. I'm bummed, but it happens. I think her partner is settling in and putting her foot down on things. Good for them. I just want to see the dogs honestly. If they aren't up for that, fuck it.
Not even sure I'm headed that way now. Once my boxes are away to M's house I am footloose. The question will be what mode of transport and where do I point it? My sister, so amazingly out of touch, suggests a rental car. My credit cards are long gone, sis. I used them to pay rent back in Portland when my body was giving out and I was waiting for disability. I told Karen about that yesterday... that that is how I lost my credit. I was too afraid to tell her back then; and I never got my credit back since. Just gave up on it. She's now mad because she thinks I am blaming her. I'm not. It's just that she had told me to my face "No partner of mine is going to be on disability"... and now she doesn't remember saying that. It's not her fault that I let a statement like that keep me from seeing the lawyer when I first knew I couldn't work much longer. But she did say it. I was just trying to explain something to her. I was dreading work to the point of wanting to walk in front of a bus. I told her that I could not go to this job much longer.
This was after Joel's death. Joel's death fucked her up I know; and it made it so that when I mentioned feeling suicidal due to having to go to a job that was killing me, she refused to hear it. So I kept it to myself: struggled along by myself. At this time, I was not able to afford the co-pays AND bus for therapy, as I did not have disability yet and was living off 3 credit cards. Not telling Karen this, going to work when I could but mostly just not going to work and trying to figure something out. We had some fights, and when we fought she went stone. I never knew how to react. I'd walk home and come back an hour later to find her in the same position, like a crying stone. And later she would tell me that it nearly killed her when I walked off to go home to cool off. After that she started making me promise never to leave her, ever. Of course I said I would not.
Karen now has some kind of mad on and thinks I am blaming her for my credit. If I blamed her wouldnt' I have brought that ammo out long ago during one of our hours - long volatile e-mail matches? She doesn't remember. Omg she doesn't remember how she'd write me one volatile e-mail, drunk as a lord, I'd react, begging her to be kind and not mean, and BOOM off we'd GO. For HOURS and HOURS and me not even drinking and her drinking for days. I could not not engage-- not at first. I had to learn to turn the phone off and not open the laptop. I'd have to wait 3 days.
Of course, I did this to her as well. My rejoinders were not as well thought out, and mean though. I began to see how her and Reptyler might have had some real blow-outs. Like that one time I was in college and Karen called me on my cell, crying. It was 3 p.m. in the afternoon and she was blitzed. When asked what was wrong -- she said "TYLER sent me an e-mail" and I'm OH GOD HERE WE GO. 3 p.m. and I have a class and an hour is not enough time for this, I had to promise to call her after class. That Tyler thing went on and on the whole time we were in a LDR-- you know, there were no doubt as many red flags for me with K-chop as there must have been for her with me. Why did we both ignore them? Because we really needed each other. But I think she needed me more than I needed her; since in the end, it was me that had to find a way to get her to throw me out. I had promised not to leave her-- so I made her throw me out. Now, all these years later, she's finally turning from me to her partner. I suppose it was inevitable and I'm kind of , no hugely relieved. I really am free now.
B. wants me to come to Queens or the Bronx or whatever it is. I am so tempted. I haven't been to NYC since the 80s. I'd like to see it sans Richard. You know, the people in my past were not the greatest. I wasn't the greatest. I'm definitely not the greatest now. But I always land on my feet. If I can keep Wanda from breathing down my neck... if I could find out who is spying on my FB page for her, I'd be happy. I have 5000 people to go through. For which she mocked me. She mocked me for having the full 5000 'friends' -- mostly for spreading political information. I have Fallout friends and they take up about 1 percent then the rest is political. I have unfriended most of my IRL friends to make room for people interested in politics. My sister mocks me for that. "All my Bernie friends". I know 5000 people that like Bernie Sanders. I think that's kind of neat, that we all want to learn about what is going on in the world and help each other do that. My sister thinks it's stupid.
None of it seems very stupid to me.
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