I'm sort of losing it. Been trying to write this for a while now, my vision is blurring in spots and those spots are swirling. When I stand up, I can't walk straight, and have to grab the wall and shake the cobwebs out. I'm getting hot flashes, which had been gone for a long time now. Months.
It feels like I am made of lead and all the lead is at my feet. I am very hungry but the thought of eating holds no appeal. So I eat, and there is little taste. There is taste, but it is fleeting. Anxiety ... no, DREAD is looming over me. I'm dreading everything. The thought of the dinner date tomorrow night, now, a date that filled me with joy not too long ago and now I'm like, why!? Why couldn't I be well enough to have this date when I need affection, even just some talking. The thought of getting a hug is really pleasant. Damn I wish I could explain how my head feels. Concrete in the back, stabbing behind the eyes. Not bad... not really stabbing. Pressure. Like a sinus headache. Without the headache. I started to get a headache last night and I NEVER get headaches. I do NOT do headaches and I will tell you right now if I start having headaches that is the straw that will break the camels' humps. But headaches come with unmanaged diabetes. Fuck. I feel like... like I'm otherwordly. A ghost. Not substantial. I'm still me INSIDE. Happy, funny, witty, creative me inside. But thoughts, words and actions that leave my mouth/brain/body are NOT me. Not entirely. I made my favorite breakfast this morning and couldn't taste it. Didn't finish it. Put an apple in the freezer and left it there... it was still there this evening.
Earlier I got so sad and felt so alone I started crying. There is NO comfort anywhere in sight. So I went to re-read some e-mails from the past months. This shocked me... within the e-mails and looking at my reddit messages, there seems to be a pattern of me skipping entire conversations and replying to e-mails already replied to. The more I read, the more taken aback I am. Looking at my Facebook-- I got banned from Facebook today for 24 hours. And when I looked at the post I got banned for, I did not recognize it. I did not remember posting it. I got banned from ChapoTrapHouse today. For 24 hours. I had just promised not to post a certain thing and I went and did it immediately. I don't recall doing that. I have not drank liquor since the incident; and I was not smoking anything. It dawned on me: my mental state has been doing downhill steadily for some time.
This has got to be unmanaged diabetes. If not, I don't know what is happening. But it explains so much if it is. I've become volatile! Unstable! Irritable, impatient, taken to dull routine -- things I do not have to think about. I had some clarity a few days ago and had these same thoughts but damned if they didn't fly away. I think I've been living with unmanaged diabetes for some time now. Add that to the prison I've become accustomed to... I've not gone out much, I've not done anything. I'm a prisoner. I might as well have been in prison for four years.
And my sister is not seeing any of this. I walk out into the hall and I'm faint. I'm dizzy, I'm grabbing the wall, she's ignoring me. I'm in my room moaning (leg aches, general misery!) and she ignores it, I could go out there right now and tell her all this , all of it and she'd say "well what do you want ME to do about it, MARIA?" I have to make it through to Monday. I'll leave her at 9:30 and walk down to the clinic. I'll find out what this is . And I'll make an appointment with Dr. Kelly after I see Tatiana.
I'm not well, not well at all. And I think I have been so far in this shit that I didn't even realize. If it stays stable like this I'll be ok. I have 3 days to get through until Monday.
I thought today was Friday. Today was Thursday. Yes I've been dropping whole days-- or skipping forward. Last week I thought it was June. Trying to remember all the things that have been happening that now that I think back, it all makes sense. Especially the no patience thing. I usually enjoy doing a thing slowly and carefully and seeing it through to completion but now I'm unable to do that. Part depression: not finding joy in things you used to... part impatience: the tedium of the thing I used to find joyful is now unbearable. Like cleaning the inside of my PC... I can't bring myself to even take the cover off.
I can't see for fuck which isn't helping. And the anxiety! "Am I losing my eyesight as I type? " The urination. Frequent. I'm always uncomfortable. That has been going on for some time and how the fuck did I just 'get used to it'. The pain in my leg... doubt that ever goes away. Now I have this stupid phantom pain in my leg due to pinched nerve. From sitting on my dead brother's fucking couch for 4 years.
This is it, I've had it, I can't take it anymore, come on Monday, I need to fix this shit. Something has been wrong with me for a while now.
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