I cannot talk to narcissists.

 I must stay away from all narcissists from now on.

  So it looks like I am 'sacrificial self'.  Certainly I must have some narcissistic tendencies. We've talked about how I learned how to do things from narcissists. However the fact that I am questioning this possibility in my own mind means I am not a narcissist.  I do however have absolutely no sense of self or agency.

  https://www.thehartcentre.com.au/what-is-narcissism-and-what-is-narcissistic-behaviour/?fbclid=IwAR2knGVDRxpu7-owUYpwt2f6AbuLY-2-ngIozP-iH-oZKuvnvy2kQfWh1g8

  I bend to people who send up red flags for me, and I kowtow to them -- bow and scrape, because I want their approval, or their love, or something. This is going to have to be the next big thing I work on soon as I get out of this situation. I am beginning to think that Karen has some NPD, but not fully -- just enough though to worry me about staying friends. I have to be REALLY careful from now on. Otherwise I may lose all sense of self I garner from here on out. I like to communicate, it's my favorite thing, I like to talk things out until they are settled. And if that is not going to happen, I will not get along with someone. I should know that. A real solid relationship will never be one sided as it can be with narcissists. Can be, hell. Always is. When you sit around wondering what the hell they are thinking... just stop. Because they are only thinking about how to manipulate someone for their own gains. Fuck narcs. How did I end up with 2-- count 'em, 2 in my family?  I don't usually do the woe is me thing but fuck me that's rough.  And of course these people tend to glom onto people like me who can be easily bent to their will.

  Just to keep the peace I'd shut my mouth and take the abuse. And lose my own sense of agency, not that I have much to begin with. I'm fine one moment, tooling along minding my own business when they come along and BOOM I'm like...  hooked, or imprisoned or both ... like with Karen. To know her now is to wonder how the fuck we ever hooked up. And while I am sure she is asking herself the same question... it's not fair for her to think of herself as superior to me as she does. It takes two to tango. It bothers me endlessly when one person never admits their wrongdoings and expects the other to do all the apologizing. I'm about to say fuck that noise to everyone who is like this in my life. If I say I am sorry to you for all the things I did, and I even admit to them and list them and work on them and shit, and you don't admit a fucking one thing you did, then fuck you.