I was trimming my hair like I always do... and my vision went full on whack. I couldn't keep trimming it; wasn't sure if my vision was coming back or not; it was wait and hope I didn't have to go to the ER with half trimmed hair or ... yeah. I gave myself a mohawk instead, the clipper lines are easier to see than scissor lines. My vision is ... coming and going. The letters on the computer screen are not crisp but I can see them just well enough. It's now a matter of not going to the ER hopefully. I can't go for a walk... things are escalating. It's going to be a long week-end.
Laying in bed thinking about 'how do I deal with knowing what I know?' In the Chapo sub-reddit we say "Oh how hard it is to continue to live, now that we know why others die" ... knowing how our poor and our POC and our glbtqi and all the disenfranchised are being warred upon by the elite. By the Oligarchy. How they are being treated like garbage... their wheelchairs trashed by cops in Boston their tents demolished in Portland; and all the upwardly mobile calling for their removal. "But where should we send them?" ask the bleeding hearts.
"I don't care, just so long as they are far away from here" is the answer, always. I'm about to start advocating for arming the poor. Jesus wept.
Getting banned from Facebook now, that and being banned from my favorite subreddit has made me think quite hard. I'm pushing away everyone and everything. It's like I was about to write a suicide letter only not. Although this shit does bring me down. It's one of the few things that touched me inside... inside where I am always fairly cheerful and funny and creative. It got in there and it's wreaking havoc. It's all wreaking havoc. I realize now I haven't been myself for quite some time. It's making me mad that I couldn't see it way earlier.. I mean I talked to the doc about my UTI and they said it was gone but that my bladder might be irritated for a bit but if it didn't stop to come back to the doc. And that was my intention but it went away just long enough for me to forget about it but then it came back in force. It's like my body is being taken over by a foreign entity. It's hard to see it happening despite being in it. It's not like having the flu... you know when you have the flu. This is an unknown with so many effects! And damn that UTI, if it hadn't been for that I might have been able to focus on the frequent urination. The thing the doc had said to me was that I had to worry if I started getting up to pee in the middle of the night. Which I have just started doing.
fuck. Monday is so far away and I'm losing the ability to do things to occupy my mind. I have hella trouble watching movies. About the only thing I can do is write. And not well at that. My arms are getting tired easily. From typing! Yeah I'm definitely not well at all.
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