Like, if I am a liar, an accomplished one, I'd pick up on other's lies quite easily, since I knew the tricks. I mean, we all lie. But some are so good at it they don't even know they are lying anymore... but they are REALLY good at accusing others of lying, to throw onlookers off to the fact of the matter that the real liar is doing the accusing. This goes for any behavior. And you can use a simpler example to illustrate:
Say I was (am) a highly trained equestrian. I might notice some gestures or clothing items (lapel pins even) that might denote another of my ilk. I'd most certainly mention that I used to show hunters over fences. NOW, that's not a lie, and I am not going to go into the fact that Paper Doll was a murderous cunt of a pony that tried to throw me into the jumps every time. But I did know what I was doing. I just couldn't pick the pony up and make it fly over the rails. So I can talk hunter over fences. I don't need to go into the fact that it was all shit for me. My point being, I can spot another rider. Just as I can spot another trans man. A liar can spot a liar... and a liar looks for certain 'scenarios' that they themselves could manipulate, and realizing the situation could be manipulated, assumes YOU are going to be the one trying whatever it was they thought of. So they head you off at the pass and accuse you of what THEY would do in the situation. And it's gaslighting isn't it? Isn't that gaslighting? It keeps me unstable. I begin to question everything I said. I begin to wonder and I begin to doubt and now I'm in full shame for having my head injuries and what if I really am a piece of shit? And off to my room I go to sit and play video games or type on my stupid fucking idiotic blog. The video games are not cutting it at the moment. I want to be reading. But my vision is still fucked. I think I'm not getting enough protein. Fuck, I'm just flat out not eating. I lost 3 pounds in the past 8 days. My pants are falling off. I can't afford new pants so; I should eat but I can't taste anything. Oh god I'm so hungry but nothing tastes. And this is all in my head, w00000t this is fucking fantastic. I can't wait to read this fucking bullshit saga from the other goddamn side, hopefully somewhere settled and warm and dry and with someone who loves me. That would be totally rad but until then, we keep writing this piecemeal shit just to keep sane, keep the ideas flowing, we'll have to pick through all of this for the book. The book has been rewritten 2x and now I'm thinking a 3rd. I NEVER finish any fucking thing I do (that's a lie, I finish about half of the things I start) so it's going to be refreshing to write a 3rd book after tossing the first two in the stupid bin. I do not do any motherfucking thing according to any kind of standard, I reinvent the fucking wheel every time I get in a car. It's a goddamn CURSE.
It's the same with other things. Like if I am a liar, and hear someone lying, I get to call them out on it knowing full well they are lying because they are using my tactic. (I have lived with 2 narcissists in my life, and enablers and golden children. Learned how to lie AND steal from the BEST, let me tell you. But now, trying to catch lies before they form, I'd like to say I am exorcising that part of my life. A lifelong learned behavior is a HARD habit to break let me just say.)
If a person was an emotionally abusive sibling who reveled in having control over just one disenfranchised person, they are going to call out everything I do that is manipulative, even when it is just me trying to get something I need from her. I might try every avenue and every venue trying to get what I need but that looks like wheedling and manipulation and so I am called out and retreat. And stop asking for what I need. I ask for so little now. I ask for nothing but my food. I can't get my food stamps card. Not without involving the government. She just has to hold on to that one little thing.
But if I post about that I get the card thrown in my face and told that I need to stop spreading my lies on Facebook. If I hadn't posted on Facebook and if the spy in my friends list hadn't told my sister what I was posting, I'd not have gotten my groceries this week. So double edged sword I guess.
All I know is that I have no one to talk to in depth about any of this so I write. It's all I can do, just talk to myself. My therapist is going to be so full of shit and I still go. Because therapy good right? ugh not really. Not this one.
I see my doctor today and hoo boy that's going to be emotional. Far as he knows I've just had a stressful time lately due to my thyroid. He has no idea what baggage is going to follow me in there today and I'm willing to bet I start crying when I tell him about how I've been living since I told her I was leaving. I tell him how narcissistic she is and he nods and yet he's her doctor. I wonder if he believes me. My sister manipulates the assistant to tell her what's in my file too. I could get them all in trouble. My sister is the master manipulator. I know, we both learned from mother. The difference is I know what it is and I want to cut it out of me. My sister refuses to believe it's in her. She's a complete and utter facade, a lie, a robot who goes on auxiliary power when there's no man around to impress. I told her she was basically married to our brother yesterday and that's the weird thing with narcissists...
they never get upset at the OUTRAGEOUS but TRUE statements. Like, I say "You and Donnie are a married couple!" and "All you care about is men who can help you fix your car or computer cheaply" ... that ought to send someone into a RAGE but it just slides by. That's what is deeply disturbing to me. What I get all the flak for is the stupid shit that comes out when I'm enraged and backed into a corner. Her favorite place to put me since it shows me becoming unhinged and unbalanced. And then she can point to how I acted, leaving out her spitting wild tearing-doors-off-hinges shit. Just exactly like mother. And then to tell me I am exactly like mother while I am telling her she is, and that's just the stupidest exchange in the history of fights.
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