THE THINGS I DO

1) when I sneeze it comes on fast. I don't  have time to prepare for it, they just come out.  This frightens my sister, and she gets very angry. It makes me dread sneezing around her. If I think there might be any chance, I will distance myself from her, say, the next room. 

2) If I come into the kitchen un-announced, I get yelled at. So I have to say "COMING IN!" every time. Loudly. IF I AM IN THE KITCHEN, she sneaks up behind me and scares the shit out of me, every time, and pushes me aside to get to the sink. It's like I do not exist. 

3) When I do the dishes, she re-arranges them. They are not ever put away satisfactorily. She refuses to put my clean dishes away. I always put her clean dishes away. 

4) When I clean my bathroom or the cat litter box, it is never done to her satisfaction and she will always re-do it behind me.

5) If I put a note on the counter to remind myself (in the kitchen), she will move it. If I put a cup on the counter to come back and use in a bit, it's moved. If I put a dish away, it's moved a tad.  If I move the drapes or the blinds, they have to be rearranged. Any sighting of anything that belongs to me left out in the common areas is immediately whisked away to my bedroom or bathroom.

6)  I am not allowed to chose my own shower curtain or bath towels or bath mats.

7) I am not allowed to hang what I want in my bathroom.

8) My closet is full of her belongings.

9) My dead brother's couch takes up half my bedroom. She refuses to remove it. I have 2/3rds of my room to myself.

10) Every time I put gas in the car she takes it away from me. Saying I owe her for breaking a water pitcher but if I ask for the gas money back, I should have thought of that before I got her angry.

11) I have told her many times I am having trouble with my vision, my brain and my balance. Despite this, she calls me a complete idiot for not remembering that Afton is a black woman. She says I am stupid for saying the things I said when I was under extreme duress in the car. I've told her time and time again I'm on disability but she keeps treating me like I should be able to think and remember like everyone else. I can't. And the anxiety and worry are making me 10 times worse. And I will write down each and every thing that happens from this moment on so that I will never, ever ever come back anywhere near this situation again. And I will share it all with whatever decent therapist I find.

12) Her constant gripe: all you do is sit in that room and play video games. When asked how this is any different from sitting in front of the TV every minute including while at work, I get no response. When told I am not playing video games the entire time, I am met with 'yeah sure'. When asked how much she thinks my computer actually costs to run per day, I get no answer. But I do hear "IT'S A LOT".   And when told that I am volunteering for the Bernie campaign? "Yeah you and your stupid Bernie friends. Get one of them to help you out".  "Bunch of fucking losers". 

13) I built my own computer. My sibling's response? "It looks just like the other one you had" (it looks NOTHING like the other one).  Despite me having built my computer, my brother turns to my sister for computer  help. She rules him, he won't even talk to me now.

14) Despite the fact that I clean the cat litter box every morning, she is now, of a sudden as of this week, cleaning it again before she goes to bed. Which is usually around 11 pm. And right next to my door.

15) I just got up to go pee. As I was passing through the doorway, my body lurched. My body sort of ... pushed one say, then the other. Like that dude in Altered States going down the hallway. I could not control my legs for a bit. I crashed into the wall. I'm going 'oof' and 'urgh' because it's alarming and weird. My sister: " Jesus Christ, MARIA".   the dead name she now uses with glee.  And not one bit of empathy or sympathy for someone crashing down a hallway, nope.  I think of that kind of behavior as psychopathic. Sociopathic? One of those. My body straightened out and I walked normally down the rest of the hall. It mostly happens when I get up, I have to remember to wait a bit and not start walking immediately. I don't know what is happening but I think it's just my blood pressure and the barometric pressure outside. Still, it's exacerbated by whatever this shit is

16) "I can't read your MIND"... I put 1/2 & 1/2 on the list, she did not buy it. I used her milk for my coffee. I sent her a text saying "Since you didn't get 1/2 & 1/2, I'm using your milk for my coffee & cereal."  that's me, having to head off at the pass a big mad for opening her milk.  *** So, she's not been communicating, and since she didn't buy my cream-- I assumed she was now not buying my groceries. All my other food had run out-- except a block of cheese. She used to replenish things as they ran out; now, I had nothing to eat but cheese and oatmeal. So I figured she was not going to buy my food. She  says "I can't read your MIND you know. You didn't put anything on the list!"  I say to her "I put cream on there, you didn't get it. " She tells me why she didn't go to the store. But remember, I am the one not communicating.  the problem here is, she keeps me so off balance, I am afraid to do something and afraid not to do it, and so I waffle and never do the same thing the same way twice. I over think the simplest thing like how to place an item in the fridge. Everything has to go back exactly as it was. When I take a bunch of items out of the fridge, I panic if I do not remember how they go back in. This often makes me wary of taking things out to begin with.  So here I sit with no food, because I was too afraid to write it down because I thought she would laugh at me because I thought she would think I was now begging her for food.  And she is sitting in there watching that cunt Bill Maher and laughing her head off while the Oligarchy laughs all the way to the bank and she is aiding them.  And by following their lead, lost all empathy to her own sister, whom the family has always treated like dog shit anyway and so why should she be any different.

   The other day she said I was angry at David. I said WHAT? This was a classic movie DOUBLETAKE moment. WHAT??? David was the only nice one. Why the fuck would I be mad at... oh fuck. She's read my Facebook posts about how I was mad at my brother for dying and now she's going around saying I have anger towards my brother who died of AIDS. This is the moment when you realize your mother had sex with someone in the family and that's who my sister's father is, because she is dumb as a fucking post. A STUPID narcissist. A goddam stupid narcissist.  You know, I say this to everyone who will listen to me: "Narcissists are not human and I need to remember that from now on."  I keep expecting someone to say OH MY GOD that is AWFUL to say! or 'how inhumane' but nope. EVERYONE nods and says "You gotta get out of there".

  I am not going to discredit the past 4 years as I have definitely had some serious insights. In 4 years I have slain quite a few dragons. Whooo. Mother of dragons! My mother. And the relationship so called with my sister and brother here; that's closing.  The only thing making me sad about leaving here is the cat. Bonnie is going to miss me terribly, and my narcissist sister is evil enough that she refuses to give Bonnie any succor when I leave. I know, because I heard about last time I moved for a month: the cat just wanted to lay in the sun where she was used to laying, and my sister refused to put anything in the window for Bonnie. Because that's where MY stuff had been, that the cat liked to lay on... or whatever twisted reasons my sister comes up with, the cat is going to suffer.
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  the cat knows, is following me around. She follows me at a distance, because she is skittish, but she is terribly concerned that I am leaving again. She knows, and it is breaking my heart. I wake up to her face staring at me from her little bed atop the dresser.