Mainly I'm concerned over K not answering me. One thing for people like S to ditch me but K?
S is like, man she's just wanting some in-game relationship to fill her void and I fit the bill until I didn't then E came along and well, that's perfect , the two don't need to talk about anything uncomfortable. Fuck the pussies. They're both pussies so fuck them both. Fuck that noise. I'm glad to be free.
*********
I got to think about it lately. There was a definite back and forth, it was a relationship, she felt trapped, left me hanging, I got upset, it added to my already declining mental state, I fucked up by not paying attention to the first red flags, and so here I am missing someone I don't even really like when I think about how flip floppy they are and how hurtful in the end.
Fucking conservative centrists and namby pamby non-involved capitalist consumerist fucks.
I woke up angry about this. S & E deserve each other. Lazy, scared little rabbits, stuck in their hidey-holes, only doing what they think will be perceived as ok by their controlling husbands. Making it look like everything is ok when it's not. Living out their fantasy lives in a game. Getting what they do not get from their husbands, from each other, and I fell for it for a time... yeah I totally thought S was intelligent as hell and capable of understanding but she ain't shit. Feeling like I got duped. Mad. Because I'm the bad guy and I gave her the perfect out by losing my shit over the relationship. E was waiting in the wings for me to bail. And she was no doubt happy as fuck when I turned people against me. Jumped right into the void and never looked back. these people are predictable, stupid and sheeplike. I'm done with these types.
Watch them sit comfortably in their lavish homes eating bon bons and enjoying the latest music videos while someone they previously purported to love goes without friendship, love or support -- this is fucked. Fuck these people. Of course I'm upset. Because of their fake ass shit. They get to sit back and say "Zed's crazy, of course we were right to cut ties" when in fact, they are scared, white bread fucking selfish twats. Fuck those people. They are actually the problem.
And fuck me for thinking they are smart, and kind, when they are actually just trying to make themselves look good and get in a clique where they are the exulted one, and anything that upsets their world gets booted. Fuck them. Fuck you S and fuck you E.
Saturday, August 31, 2019
Friday, August 30, 2019
The FINAL DIAGNOSIS!
... malnutrition. To be perfectly honest, I thought that my feelings for S. is what started the whole not eating thing. I did think that. Because I was not eating about that time and dropping weight even then. From the point where I started dropping weight , going back to calculate as best I can, I have been losing about 3-5 pounds per week. And not noticing because I kept wearing the same baggy clothing every day. Then one day for no reason at all I tried on a pair of pants from my past. And they were baggy. And I nearly fainted-- surely I must have cancer, I thought.
The decision to move must have exacerbated my condition. Already weak and confused from lack of nutrition, the anxiety and stress of the impending move and my sister's increasing OCD and narcissism ... and I'm the only one who could SEE THAT SHIT, literally NO ONE ELSE ever sees it. To the rest of the world I am an asshole who hides in their room and only comes out now and then to slap their sister.
Fuck I'm having hot flashes again. But that means I'm getting better. I was cold as fuck for a while. I drank like 6 protein shakes earlier, ate half a fish sandwich and some fries. It's so odd. The smell of the food-- I love BK, I used to work there. Never got sick of the fish sandwich. Haven't had one for ages and ages. Smelled it, bit into it, regretted it. No taste, and soon as it is in my mouth I want to spit it out. It's an involuntary response! What kind of sick ass god makes it so a malnourished person doesn't want to eat? Is that to cull the herd better? I was starving in my own bedroom with food just feet away. I thought I had a crush so big it made me not want to eat. Then i thought I had diabetes/blood clot. I thought I had a brain tumor.
I was just not nourished. This fucking takes the fucking cake. Jesus Christ. Now I've been sitting here playing Fallout 76 for hours and sometimes forgetting where I am, which is nice. There's so much to do here. Endless hours of cleaning. Neighbors to meet (they're all quite friendly), Aldi to explore.
I'd been looking forward to meeting the next door neighbor because Mike said she was just like me only taller. I thought, oo you never know (hope springs eternal)... it's funny too when he said she was tall I imagined my ex Diane. And when I met my next door neighbor I was kind of stunned by how much she looks like Diane, and that is not a good thing.
Went out the back door to clean up the garden this morning and looked and saw her sitting there on her side... and she sort of aggressively said "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" as I cleaned up Mike's side. (My side. Our side). (Why you would question anyone who was doing cleaning , I'll never know).
She asked me what my name was and couldn't wrap her mind around it. It's not the first time -- this happens a LOT. I tell them "ZED" and they tilt their head like a dog hearing a high pitched noise and say " how do you say that?" and "What kind of name is that?" These people have never heard the word ZED. Not in a video game, or in a movie, or heard a Brit recite the alphabet in its entirety. That right there told me that me and nextie aren't going to be fast friends.
The decision to move must have exacerbated my condition. Already weak and confused from lack of nutrition, the anxiety and stress of the impending move and my sister's increasing OCD and narcissism ... and I'm the only one who could SEE THAT SHIT, literally NO ONE ELSE ever sees it. To the rest of the world I am an asshole who hides in their room and only comes out now and then to slap their sister.
Fuck I'm having hot flashes again. But that means I'm getting better. I was cold as fuck for a while. I drank like 6 protein shakes earlier, ate half a fish sandwich and some fries. It's so odd. The smell of the food-- I love BK, I used to work there. Never got sick of the fish sandwich. Haven't had one for ages and ages. Smelled it, bit into it, regretted it. No taste, and soon as it is in my mouth I want to spit it out. It's an involuntary response! What kind of sick ass god makes it so a malnourished person doesn't want to eat? Is that to cull the herd better? I was starving in my own bedroom with food just feet away. I thought I had a crush so big it made me not want to eat. Then i thought I had diabetes/blood clot. I thought I had a brain tumor.
I was just not nourished. This fucking takes the fucking cake. Jesus Christ. Now I've been sitting here playing Fallout 76 for hours and sometimes forgetting where I am, which is nice. There's so much to do here. Endless hours of cleaning. Neighbors to meet (they're all quite friendly), Aldi to explore.
I'd been looking forward to meeting the next door neighbor because Mike said she was just like me only taller. I thought, oo you never know (hope springs eternal)... it's funny too when he said she was tall I imagined my ex Diane. And when I met my next door neighbor I was kind of stunned by how much she looks like Diane, and that is not a good thing.
Went out the back door to clean up the garden this morning and looked and saw her sitting there on her side... and she sort of aggressively said "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" as I cleaned up Mike's side. (My side. Our side). (Why you would question anyone who was doing cleaning , I'll never know).
She asked me what my name was and couldn't wrap her mind around it. It's not the first time -- this happens a LOT. I tell them "ZED" and they tilt their head like a dog hearing a high pitched noise and say " how do you say that?" and "What kind of name is that?" These people have never heard the word ZED. Not in a video game, or in a movie, or heard a Brit recite the alphabet in its entirety. That right there told me that me and nextie aren't going to be fast friends.
Thursday, August 29, 2019
It is done.
I'm going to have to order a lapboard ... no room in here for a desk or anything. But I got my computer set up, and I think I will play some Fallout 76, to settle my nerves.
I told Mikey I'd pay him 400 today, the balance of the rent after the deposit. Minus the ... 15 for gas, ok so. I walked to ALDI which is like 1/20 of a mile away and I thought I was going to fall down. I have not been this tired since boot camp at Fort Leonard Wood. Every fiber of my poor being is shredded. Even my back hurts. I have done no physical labor in 4 years. I'm nothing but skin and bone now with just some old flab and old muscle flapping and wow it's hard out here like that. But struggling up the hill there, that tiny hill-- I remembered Chicago; and living in Pilsen. Hoo boy I was not ready then. Now I'd be in hog heaven... but I was so terrified of being in Pilsen and walking to the trains. Daily of a morning I'd be chugging through the wind or rain trying to get to the train praying no one would kill me outright. How ridiculous.
Well if Mike wants the rest he can tote me over to Walmart. Good god I think I'll be getting an accent before I leave here. I really really wish I was in Portland but now I know one fact: I'd have died if I had tried to move these boxes and all in the Portland heat, down from K's garage loft. I'd have not been able to. I'd be laying out right now just given up. Good thing I did not go try to punch a nazi before I got back into shape.
The Greenway is right down the road and there's a bike path that goes all the way to the river. Now, I have absolutely ZERO excuses to NOT FISH. Haha, at last, something to do. I'm going to get myself in shape enough to ride the bike to the river and fish. While saving up for a place in Portland.
I had 2000 dollars earlier today. I now have half that. Between my sister asking for 200 more and the moving guy and getting a new phone plan and Uber and paying this place it's going fast as fuck. If it wasn't for M I'd be going hungry for a long while.
Sure wish I was better organized at packing , now I can't find anything. I need to trim my fingernails badly. And-- wow, how odd it is to fit every single thing you own into one room.
I told Mikey I'd pay him 400 today, the balance of the rent after the deposit. Minus the ... 15 for gas, ok so. I walked to ALDI which is like 1/20 of a mile away and I thought I was going to fall down. I have not been this tired since boot camp at Fort Leonard Wood. Every fiber of my poor being is shredded. Even my back hurts. I have done no physical labor in 4 years. I'm nothing but skin and bone now with just some old flab and old muscle flapping and wow it's hard out here like that. But struggling up the hill there, that tiny hill-- I remembered Chicago; and living in Pilsen. Hoo boy I was not ready then. Now I'd be in hog heaven... but I was so terrified of being in Pilsen and walking to the trains. Daily of a morning I'd be chugging through the wind or rain trying to get to the train praying no one would kill me outright. How ridiculous.
Well if Mike wants the rest he can tote me over to Walmart. Good god I think I'll be getting an accent before I leave here. I really really wish I was in Portland but now I know one fact: I'd have died if I had tried to move these boxes and all in the Portland heat, down from K's garage loft. I'd have not been able to. I'd be laying out right now just given up. Good thing I did not go try to punch a nazi before I got back into shape.
The Greenway is right down the road and there's a bike path that goes all the way to the river. Now, I have absolutely ZERO excuses to NOT FISH. Haha, at last, something to do. I'm going to get myself in shape enough to ride the bike to the river and fish. While saving up for a place in Portland.
I had 2000 dollars earlier today. I now have half that. Between my sister asking for 200 more and the moving guy and getting a new phone plan and Uber and paying this place it's going fast as fuck. If it wasn't for M I'd be going hungry for a long while.
Sure wish I was better organized at packing , now I can't find anything. I need to trim my fingernails badly. And-- wow, how odd it is to fit every single thing you own into one room.
Real Talk
Ok so the new place is really isolated from anything like Bus or Sidewalks but it's got Walmart and Aldi and Burger King so I won't die. There's a bike trail very close and so I need a bike pump, for certain. And a helmet. And a lock. Oh fuck there's a hundred bucks right there guess I'll just go with the pump for the first purchase.
I'm weak as can be. I did not sleep last night, the heat has come of course, when it has been so cool lately now of course on this day the heat is unbearable. I stink of sweat and fear. Fear of leaving the prison I made for myself. I must never ever bow to another narcissist. I must never ever allow myself to be controlled by another human. I'm too fucking crazy for that shit. I do not fit in any pigeonholes. God I wish I could eat something WHERE ARE MY TASTE BUDS AND WILL THEY COME BACK? Why did you have to take my taste buds?
I'm weak as can be. I did not sleep last night, the heat has come of course, when it has been so cool lately now of course on this day the heat is unbearable. I stink of sweat and fear. Fear of leaving the prison I made for myself. I must never ever bow to another narcissist. I must never ever allow myself to be controlled by another human. I'm too fucking crazy for that shit. I do not fit in any pigeonholes. God I wish I could eat something WHERE ARE MY TASTE BUDS AND WILL THEY COME BACK? Why did you have to take my taste buds?
Wednesday, August 28, 2019
Fuck it costs a lot to be poor
Yeah whew I'll just be 5 miles from where I have been living but Uber is going to be much higher from that location. Sucks. Whatever. I'll be fully out tomorrow. I had a HELL of a time moving my stuff today. Mikey seems to be on some kind of drug. I gave him a deposit for the room and then he was suddenly barely able to talk and fell asleep the moment he got home and hit the couch. Yep, something going on . But he's really nice, so. I just need to fucking get my head clear of this sister thing for a bit of time. I am struggling so hard right now. No help from any side. My sister won't even hold the door open for me. I broke my toe today, just walking in my room. I am debating going to the clinic tomorrow to get it splinted.
It's a decent enough room. I mean, it's about like a motel 6. I get the run of the place, wifi. It's serviceable. Walking (spitting) distance of ALDI's. So, food. Also, Burger King. I could use a fucking Whopper Jr. about now, holy fuck. My pants are falling off, the belt is too small. Well, for the type of pants. I mean, the belt is a waist belt and these are hip hugger pants. So I have to pull them way up and look like a HAYSEED. I love it. It's all good.
Saying goodbye to the cat today and tonight and tomorrow morning. Just hanging with her, chilling and such. Earlier I had some pizza and I've taken to putting a lot of hot sauce and pepper on my pizza - otherwise I cannot taste it. I can barely taste the hotsauce... in face, forgot I had put it on the pizza when I gave the cat a tiny taste of the sauce (she likes it!) and the poor thing sneezed her head off for 5 minutes. I still feel bad. But I did laugh quite a bit. Poor Bonnie. I'm going to miss that cat terribly. I can't even talk about it. she's been my only friend in this place.
The new place is weird, just a little shitty apartment in a bunch of apartments that are called condos-- they are not the nicest let me just say. I'm happy to have the opportunity to clean it up for this guy, he's taking me in without a lease. I was in my new room today vacuuming and looked down at the back 'garden' area (tiny bit of area with a table to have coffee at -- I 'll enjoy that) and saw a child pushing a toy truck back and forth. Looks like the single lady next door has a kid, kids love the shit out of me, oh god do they. Because I am one I reckon. Anyhow, I looked down there and saw trash and stuff where this kid is playing and thought to myself, here's my project, clean that up and make it LOVELY for a KID. There ya go, there's your praxis for right the fuck now. Make it so that when that mom comes home from work and her kid goes outside, it's all pristine and smells good and the kid is safe. Thinking about that makes me happy.
Last night here. Last night in prison. Damn narcissists put me in prison. I even think my ex was somewhat of a narcissist. I do. Cuz for the 2 weeks she's been in absentia I've felt much better about things.
It's a decent enough room. I mean, it's about like a motel 6. I get the run of the place, wifi. It's serviceable. Walking (spitting) distance of ALDI's. So, food. Also, Burger King. I could use a fucking Whopper Jr. about now, holy fuck. My pants are falling off, the belt is too small. Well, for the type of pants. I mean, the belt is a waist belt and these are hip hugger pants. So I have to pull them way up and look like a HAYSEED. I love it. It's all good.
Saying goodbye to the cat today and tonight and tomorrow morning. Just hanging with her, chilling and such. Earlier I had some pizza and I've taken to putting a lot of hot sauce and pepper on my pizza - otherwise I cannot taste it. I can barely taste the hotsauce... in face, forgot I had put it on the pizza when I gave the cat a tiny taste of the sauce (she likes it!) and the poor thing sneezed her head off for 5 minutes. I still feel bad. But I did laugh quite a bit. Poor Bonnie. I'm going to miss that cat terribly. I can't even talk about it. she's been my only friend in this place.
The new place is weird, just a little shitty apartment in a bunch of apartments that are called condos-- they are not the nicest let me just say. I'm happy to have the opportunity to clean it up for this guy, he's taking me in without a lease. I was in my new room today vacuuming and looked down at the back 'garden' area (tiny bit of area with a table to have coffee at -- I 'll enjoy that) and saw a child pushing a toy truck back and forth. Looks like the single lady next door has a kid, kids love the shit out of me, oh god do they. Because I am one I reckon. Anyhow, I looked down there and saw trash and stuff where this kid is playing and thought to myself, here's my project, clean that up and make it LOVELY for a KID. There ya go, there's your praxis for right the fuck now. Make it so that when that mom comes home from work and her kid goes outside, it's all pristine and smells good and the kid is safe. Thinking about that makes me happy.
Last night here. Last night in prison. Damn narcissists put me in prison. I even think my ex was somewhat of a narcissist. I do. Cuz for the 2 weeks she's been in absentia I've felt much better about things.
Can't stay too long
new roommate smokes in the apartment. Well, I figured he didn't because first thing he told me was: You aren't supposed to smoke in the apartment. I should have paid attention to the wording haha. BUT, I have a bedroom door that I am going to put a lock on immediately AND I can keep the windows open. I'm only here to sort my life out as far as moving.
There's a nice big bed for me to use... yay. Cable. Internet. Kitchen is clean, bathroom is clean, he's a redneck with half a brain but he's nice and he's clean. Poor dude is on meds of some kind but doesn't party. I think he's on a med that won't allow him to and that's good unless he goes off it. I'll have a lock. I trust him so far.
The location is good for peace of mind: bike trail right there, Walmart (gonna have to shop at Walmart!), LOWES. Thank god because I have to buy a locking door knob (in case he finds another renter).
I think it will be ok. I can't wait to meet the next door neighbor. He says she's a 'tall lanky woman who is just like you' .... yeah. Sounds like a tomboy to me. He says she is remodeling her kitchen. HHhhmmm she might need some help! Hopefully she is intelligent? I could use a smart friend to have coffee with of a morning...
There's a nice big bed for me to use... yay. Cable. Internet. Kitchen is clean, bathroom is clean, he's a redneck with half a brain but he's nice and he's clean. Poor dude is on meds of some kind but doesn't party. I think he's on a med that won't allow him to and that's good unless he goes off it. I'll have a lock. I trust him so far.
The location is good for peace of mind: bike trail right there, Walmart (gonna have to shop at Walmart!), LOWES. Thank god because I have to buy a locking door knob (in case he finds another renter).
I think it will be ok. I can't wait to meet the next door neighbor. He says she's a 'tall lanky woman who is just like you' .... yeah. Sounds like a tomboy to me. He says she is remodeling her kitchen. HHhhmmm she might need some help! Hopefully she is intelligent? I could use a smart friend to have coffee with of a morning...
Tuesday, August 27, 2019
New Digs
Just down the street a bit is a nice group of apartments that are called CONDOS, nestled in some nice trees to obscure the Walmart and gas station nearby. With a tiny back garden and lovely residential streets nearby, I may be able to feel far enough away from my sister to breathe for the first time in 4 years.
There is internet, a kitchen and my own room. I have a bathroom. I have plenty to do (it needs some cleaning). This guy is really nice, and I hope it works out until I can bolt from this town.
Meanwhile, I just ordered a new sim for my phone. I am spending my last hours with the cat, under constant high stress as my sister sits reading the paper in the next room.
My weight is at 120 now. I am losing 5 pounds or so per week. It is my distinct hope that moving out of here will bring my taste buds back; otherwise I am going to have to find a spice that I can taste. Food is tasting like cardboard right now and I miss Sammy like hell and I just want this all to be over. I'm under so much constant stress and scrutiny and I'm so volatile and ancy and fuck~!
Soon. It will be over soon. I have the keys to the new place.
There is internet, a kitchen and my own room. I have a bathroom. I have plenty to do (it needs some cleaning). This guy is really nice, and I hope it works out until I can bolt from this town.
Meanwhile, I just ordered a new sim for my phone. I am spending my last hours with the cat, under constant high stress as my sister sits reading the paper in the next room.
My weight is at 120 now. I am losing 5 pounds or so per week. It is my distinct hope that moving out of here will bring my taste buds back; otherwise I am going to have to find a spice that I can taste. Food is tasting like cardboard right now and I miss Sammy like hell and I just want this all to be over. I'm under so much constant stress and scrutiny and I'm so volatile and ancy and fuck~!
Soon. It will be over soon. I have the keys to the new place.
Monday, August 26, 2019
SLAVES, every one of us
This country runs on slave labor. We are almost ALL slaves. I say almost because there are a few who live off the grid entirely but they are hard to count haha. But we're mostly all slaves. You're a slave. Just probably a better paid one than I will be when they take me to prison for being trans or gay or not paying my student loans back or ... protesting...
It's raining!
We had this super cell of heat for a few days but now it's raining and looks so lush out I'll be adding a picture soon. I'm saying goodbye to the kitty by just watching her and trying to provide a calm peaceful last day with her. I will miss this cat but not the constant frustration of how she only gives me a tiny percent of her love... when she feels it is safe to do so. Right now I need full on full frontal blast of love and this cat is not up to the task, she was abused and is broken to the point of never going to sit in anyone's lap. Although the last time I came back from being away for a month, she laid on my chest for 3 nights. I wish she had not done that as it drives home how she is going to miss me. I would be ok leaving if she was not going to miss me terribly, and if my sister was not going to refuse the cat the place in the window I made for it, just to spite me.
HOW TO KILL A NARCISSIST I'll be ordering this book toot sweet. You bet.
I have to move into a hotel asap. I would rather not but I have to. I can't really think living under this roof.
Saturday, August 24, 2019
Put aside the self for the greater good-- saving the planet
It occurs to me that if we are going to 'win'-- that is, save the earth, we are going to have to take the same mindset as soldiers. By that I mean, we are going to have to relinquish the sense that we are precious individually, and begin to act as an organism. What makes ME so special that I am afraid to go punch a nazi in the face for real? What makes me so special that I am afraid to be hurt when I lay down in front of a TANK? I get it now. The way I felt in the military, when I was ready to do unspeakable things, as an organism, I must channel that same feeling now. To head into battle, as it is nothing short of a battle. I risk jail, prison, or worse, just by labeling myself ANITIFA and TRANS. I do this not to be a hero but to shine a light for anyone out there who feels the same way and is alone with those feelings. I am me, I will always be different, but I am part of something bigger than me now. A collective consciousness is growing again. We MUST begin to reach out to our fellow humans. Be honest with one another. Bare some feelings. Make some bonds, we are going to bloody well need them, badly. Do something bold. School some racists. Start a union. I'm reaching out, trying to make some really close lefty friends. You want in, PM me your email. Be well, be safe, be left. LOVE, ZED
Friday, August 23, 2019
BLARGH the STRESS
Guess I left my local ad up because some dude just emailed me about a house he's got in NW H'ville. Internet, AC and within biking distance to the bus stop. Provided I could get him to not make me sign a lease I could see wintering here while I get my shit together, but if this doesn't pan out, I am definitely on the road to I don't know where.
With Trump rolling back protections for glbtqi, I might have to stop wearing the binder and show the girls off more, which is going to demean me further. Trying to get my ex in NYC to fucking say yes or no to a visit. She's got so many people visiting her all the time and she didn't mention she was a travel destination until I asked if I could really visit then she's like "OH well let's see I have people coming all of Sept. and October, and then the high Jewish Holidays, etc etc " and I'm like "So. When you say 'Mi casa is su casa" you mean ... at some possible date in the future but not right now? Or, can you shoehorn in a desperate person who really just needs your advice and counsel? We'll see. I'm quickly running out of options. If I hadn't totally fucked up my hair I'd be in a better position to look around. It's also hot as FUCK for some reason after not being hot for so long, it's literally so crazy hot out right now it's debilitating. Was going to walk down to Tuesday Morning to get some new readers but fuck I'll wait until the sun goes down.
M. has sent me 500 dollars via PayPal. She wants to help. She insists. So I'll be off to a room at a hotel by Monday looks like. I'll need to: Uber to LOWE's, rent a truck, get my boxes to the hotel, take the truck back, Uber back to the hotel ....
and then what. I am currently terrified. What am I going to do all day? I'm free. What does a newly freed prisoner do all day? I'm batshit terrified. Where do I go? Other than a hotel. Oh lord I'm afraid. And I have never felt so alone. I just wish I was in a different city. This one sucks so bad, it's not even funny.
Wait, I got some information today that might re-shape my thoughts on moving. In Portland there is an organization that helps trans people do all the things, including find housing. Like I could legit land there, find a hostel for the night, go talk to them and hit the Q Center. It might be time for me to re-enter the world, sans girlfriend or family and go out there alone. I've never done it before, and I'm terrified. TERRIFIED.
With Trump rolling back protections for glbtqi, I might have to stop wearing the binder and show the girls off more, which is going to demean me further. Trying to get my ex in NYC to fucking say yes or no to a visit. She's got so many people visiting her all the time and she didn't mention she was a travel destination until I asked if I could really visit then she's like "OH well let's see I have people coming all of Sept. and October, and then the high Jewish Holidays, etc etc " and I'm like "So. When you say 'Mi casa is su casa" you mean ... at some possible date in the future but not right now? Or, can you shoehorn in a desperate person who really just needs your advice and counsel? We'll see. I'm quickly running out of options. If I hadn't totally fucked up my hair I'd be in a better position to look around. It's also hot as FUCK for some reason after not being hot for so long, it's literally so crazy hot out right now it's debilitating. Was going to walk down to Tuesday Morning to get some new readers but fuck I'll wait until the sun goes down.
M. has sent me 500 dollars via PayPal. She wants to help. She insists. So I'll be off to a room at a hotel by Monday looks like. I'll need to: Uber to LOWE's, rent a truck, get my boxes to the hotel, take the truck back, Uber back to the hotel ....
and then what. I am currently terrified. What am I going to do all day? I'm free. What does a newly freed prisoner do all day? I'm batshit terrified. Where do I go? Other than a hotel. Oh lord I'm afraid. And I have never felt so alone. I just wish I was in a different city. This one sucks so bad, it's not even funny.
Wait, I got some information today that might re-shape my thoughts on moving. In Portland there is an organization that helps trans people do all the things, including find housing. Like I could legit land there, find a hostel for the night, go talk to them and hit the Q Center. It might be time for me to re-enter the world, sans girlfriend or family and go out there alone. I've never done it before, and I'm terrified. TERRIFIED.
Thursday, August 22, 2019
I cannot talk to narcissists.
I must stay away from all narcissists from now on.
So it looks like I am 'sacrificial self'. Certainly I must have some narcissistic tendencies. We've talked about how I learned how to do things from narcissists. However the fact that I am questioning this possibility in my own mind means I am not a narcissist. I do however have absolutely no sense of self or agency.
https://www.thehartcentre.com.au/what-is-narcissism-and-what-is-narcissistic-behaviour/?fbclid=IwAR2knGVDRxpu7-owUYpwt2f6AbuLY-2-ngIozP-iH-oZKuvnvy2kQfWh1g8
I bend to people who send up red flags for me, and I kowtow to them -- bow and scrape, because I want their approval, or their love, or something. This is going to have to be the next big thing I work on soon as I get out of this situation. I am beginning to think that Karen has some NPD, but not fully -- just enough though to worry me about staying friends. I have to be REALLY careful from now on. Otherwise I may lose all sense of self I garner from here on out. I like to communicate, it's my favorite thing, I like to talk things out until they are settled. And if that is not going to happen, I will not get along with someone. I should know that. A real solid relationship will never be one sided as it can be with narcissists. Can be, hell. Always is. When you sit around wondering what the hell they are thinking... just stop. Because they are only thinking about how to manipulate someone for their own gains. Fuck narcs. How did I end up with 2-- count 'em, 2 in my family? I don't usually do the woe is me thing but fuck me that's rough. And of course these people tend to glom onto people like me who can be easily bent to their will.
Just to keep the peace I'd shut my mouth and take the abuse. And lose my own sense of agency, not that I have much to begin with. I'm fine one moment, tooling along minding my own business when they come along and BOOM I'm like... hooked, or imprisoned or both ... like with Karen. To know her now is to wonder how the fuck we ever hooked up. And while I am sure she is asking herself the same question... it's not fair for her to think of herself as superior to me as she does. It takes two to tango. It bothers me endlessly when one person never admits their wrongdoings and expects the other to do all the apologizing. I'm about to say fuck that noise to everyone who is like this in my life. If I say I am sorry to you for all the things I did, and I even admit to them and list them and work on them and shit, and you don't admit a fucking one thing you did, then fuck you.
So it looks like I am 'sacrificial self'. Certainly I must have some narcissistic tendencies. We've talked about how I learned how to do things from narcissists. However the fact that I am questioning this possibility in my own mind means I am not a narcissist. I do however have absolutely no sense of self or agency.
https://www.thehartcentre.com.au/what-is-narcissism-and-what-is-narcissistic-behaviour/?fbclid=IwAR2knGVDRxpu7-owUYpwt2f6AbuLY-2-ngIozP-iH-oZKuvnvy2kQfWh1g8
I bend to people who send up red flags for me, and I kowtow to them -- bow and scrape, because I want their approval, or their love, or something. This is going to have to be the next big thing I work on soon as I get out of this situation. I am beginning to think that Karen has some NPD, but not fully -- just enough though to worry me about staying friends. I have to be REALLY careful from now on. Otherwise I may lose all sense of self I garner from here on out. I like to communicate, it's my favorite thing, I like to talk things out until they are settled. And if that is not going to happen, I will not get along with someone. I should know that. A real solid relationship will never be one sided as it can be with narcissists. Can be, hell. Always is. When you sit around wondering what the hell they are thinking... just stop. Because they are only thinking about how to manipulate someone for their own gains. Fuck narcs. How did I end up with 2-- count 'em, 2 in my family? I don't usually do the woe is me thing but fuck me that's rough. And of course these people tend to glom onto people like me who can be easily bent to their will.
Just to keep the peace I'd shut my mouth and take the abuse. And lose my own sense of agency, not that I have much to begin with. I'm fine one moment, tooling along minding my own business when they come along and BOOM I'm like... hooked, or imprisoned or both ... like with Karen. To know her now is to wonder how the fuck we ever hooked up. And while I am sure she is asking herself the same question... it's not fair for her to think of herself as superior to me as she does. It takes two to tango. It bothers me endlessly when one person never admits their wrongdoings and expects the other to do all the apologizing. I'm about to say fuck that noise to everyone who is like this in my life. If I say I am sorry to you for all the things I did, and I even admit to them and list them and work on them and shit, and you don't admit a fucking one thing you did, then fuck you.
SANER HEADS
My brain farted and I missed my ride for therapy but was able to have a phone convo so that's cool. My therapist says she is almost glad I didn't actually make it to her office because she is dressed as Tallulah Bankhead for the cemetary walk. I should go sneak up on her in the graveyard. Yes I am going to do that.
Just talking to a sane person makes all the difference. I need people to talk to on the phone she says. Texting is not going to help me right now, I need sane convos she says. I think so too. So I will be asking my friends if they can spare a few minutes a week for a bit. Karen is answering my protonmail emails but not my gmail emails haha. So we can talk about revolution stuff but nothing else for now. Bea is pretty busy with her mom. I think if I want to meet Bea's mom before she kicks it I better head up. I'm going to ask her tomorrow if we can firm up deets. And get her address so I can check it out on google maps.
Trying to see myself in NYC right now. There sure would be a lot of leftists to connect with. Finding them though. I should ask reddit what is going on in that area so I can network while there. Maybe I can even baby sit mom while Bea goes on a date with her paramour. They haven't done the deed yet... I have just asked her if it was ok to come very soon. She is awaiting a reply from a friend who is visiting in September. There are many Jewish Holidays coming up and I can't be there for that but there may be a window here in the next couple of weeks.
speaking of deed. My anonymous random sexting buddy flaked off. It was fun while it lasted. I simply can't believe that happens in real life but I'd glad it does. 4 years without hugs and love, can really mess with a person. A bit of intense concentrated sexual texting can really be a nice diversion from the politics and the insanity of the narcissist with OCD shit I've been dealing with. And I had no idea how bad her OCD is because all these years she's kept it under control sort of but this time it's off the charts. She's focused on me like a dog with a bone.
Meh. Can't wait to go no contact. Although my FB spy will surely alert her to my every move. Good. Can't wait to post about how happy I am being FREE.
Just talking to a sane person makes all the difference. I need people to talk to on the phone she says. Texting is not going to help me right now, I need sane convos she says. I think so too. So I will be asking my friends if they can spare a few minutes a week for a bit. Karen is answering my protonmail emails but not my gmail emails haha. So we can talk about revolution stuff but nothing else for now. Bea is pretty busy with her mom. I think if I want to meet Bea's mom before she kicks it I better head up. I'm going to ask her tomorrow if we can firm up deets. And get her address so I can check it out on google maps.
Trying to see myself in NYC right now. There sure would be a lot of leftists to connect with. Finding them though. I should ask reddit what is going on in that area so I can network while there. Maybe I can even baby sit mom while Bea goes on a date with her paramour. They haven't done the deed yet... I have just asked her if it was ok to come very soon. She is awaiting a reply from a friend who is visiting in September. There are many Jewish Holidays coming up and I can't be there for that but there may be a window here in the next couple of weeks.
speaking of deed. My anonymous random sexting buddy flaked off. It was fun while it lasted. I simply can't believe that happens in real life but I'd glad it does. 4 years without hugs and love, can really mess with a person. A bit of intense concentrated sexual texting can really be a nice diversion from the politics and the insanity of the narcissist with OCD shit I've been dealing with. And I had no idea how bad her OCD is because all these years she's kept it under control sort of but this time it's off the charts. She's focused on me like a dog with a bone.
Meh. Can't wait to go no contact. Although my FB spy will surely alert her to my every move. Good. Can't wait to post about how happy I am being FREE.
Wednesday, August 21, 2019
It's all in my head!
So I saw my doctor today. This is a nice guy, a younger fellow, kind. Immediately upon him sitting down to talk to me I feel better. After dealing with my sister only for days, it was so nice to sit with a professional and have a little chat.
He says my thyroid is doing so good I'll be off the levothyroxine in no time. I did not think I'd be BEATING hypothyroidism. But I am. So all the symptoms were my body dealing with the stress and not having an exit plan etc. My doctor says "Get yourself to Oregon, it's your best bet for getting on T and having the rest done." He proceeds to tell me that he has 3 patients that are wanting to get to Oregon right now. For the same reasons. But they are stuck. I am not stuck. I am going to go. He is only worried about me not having a place to live. I said Doc, you just told me I'm healthy as hell, I'll be ok. As long as it's not winter, and it won't get that cold at night for a couple of months, I'll be fine. I have a sister I never met in California, I could always go visit her for a minute too. I have options. He's only worried about me being homeless, but the rest of our convo he seems to agree that I have thought things out about the transition, he won't give me T now because of all the complications and he'd not be there to see it through. My doc in Oregon is on board since 5 years ago so... this doc thinks I have a good head on my shoulders for it. Soon as I started talking to a normal, educated, intelligent person, I calmed right down and felt quite good and normal. Then I got in the Uber to get home and the guy told me he has a ride service that operates outside and independently of Uber. He drives for Lyft/Uber solely to get clients for the ride service! I took his card. I can't afford 600 to go to Atlanta but I can afford 100 to go to the next city. So there's that.
He said someone hired him to go with them to Birmingham and stay with them all weekend. NICE. I'm jealous. I said I wanted to join haha. That there would be a good job for me. I could do that work.
I could go back to work ! Wow. I Hadn't thought of that in some time but it's true, I can. If I could find a job that didn't try to kill me, let me have some freedom like driving around, I could do it. I could work again.
Huh. That's kind of cool.
He says my thyroid is doing so good I'll be off the levothyroxine in no time. I did not think I'd be BEATING hypothyroidism. But I am. So all the symptoms were my body dealing with the stress and not having an exit plan etc. My doctor says "Get yourself to Oregon, it's your best bet for getting on T and having the rest done." He proceeds to tell me that he has 3 patients that are wanting to get to Oregon right now. For the same reasons. But they are stuck. I am not stuck. I am going to go. He is only worried about me not having a place to live. I said Doc, you just told me I'm healthy as hell, I'll be ok. As long as it's not winter, and it won't get that cold at night for a couple of months, I'll be fine. I have a sister I never met in California, I could always go visit her for a minute too. I have options. He's only worried about me being homeless, but the rest of our convo he seems to agree that I have thought things out about the transition, he won't give me T now because of all the complications and he'd not be there to see it through. My doc in Oregon is on board since 5 years ago so... this doc thinks I have a good head on my shoulders for it. Soon as I started talking to a normal, educated, intelligent person, I calmed right down and felt quite good and normal. Then I got in the Uber to get home and the guy told me he has a ride service that operates outside and independently of Uber. He drives for Lyft/Uber solely to get clients for the ride service! I took his card. I can't afford 600 to go to Atlanta but I can afford 100 to go to the next city. So there's that.
He said someone hired him to go with them to Birmingham and stay with them all weekend. NICE. I'm jealous. I said I wanted to join haha. That there would be a good job for me. I could do that work.
I could go back to work ! Wow. I Hadn't thought of that in some time but it's true, I can. If I could find a job that didn't try to kill me, let me have some freedom like driving around, I could do it. I could work again.
Huh. That's kind of cool.
Funny
I have a need for something to make me laugh uncontrollably. I am going to make a page of funny videos to look at when I am really panicking. Seems to work pretty good and bring back good memories.
Sole Survivor has a stroke -- OR, when the Psycho Jet kicks in
The Humans are dead -- OR, the new Fallout 4 RICK ROLL
Sole Survivor has a stroke -- OR, when the Psycho Jet kicks in
The Humans are dead -- OR, the new Fallout 4 RICK ROLL
People see the thing that they do and they accuse you of it-- because that's all they see through their guilt? or something
Like, if I am a liar, an accomplished one, I'd pick up on other's lies quite easily, since I knew the tricks. I mean, we all lie. But some are so good at it they don't even know they are lying anymore... but they are REALLY good at accusing others of lying, to throw onlookers off to the fact of the matter that the real liar is doing the accusing. This goes for any behavior. And you can use a simpler example to illustrate:
Say I was (am) a highly trained equestrian. I might notice some gestures or clothing items (lapel pins even) that might denote another of my ilk. I'd most certainly mention that I used to show hunters over fences. NOW, that's not a lie, and I am not going to go into the fact that Paper Doll was a murderous cunt of a pony that tried to throw me into the jumps every time. But I did know what I was doing. I just couldn't pick the pony up and make it fly over the rails. So I can talk hunter over fences. I don't need to go into the fact that it was all shit for me. My point being, I can spot another rider. Just as I can spot another trans man. A liar can spot a liar... and a liar looks for certain 'scenarios' that they themselves could manipulate, and realizing the situation could be manipulated, assumes YOU are going to be the one trying whatever it was they thought of. So they head you off at the pass and accuse you of what THEY would do in the situation. And it's gaslighting isn't it? Isn't that gaslighting? It keeps me unstable. I begin to question everything I said. I begin to wonder and I begin to doubt and now I'm in full shame for having my head injuries and what if I really am a piece of shit? And off to my room I go to sit and play video games or type on my stupid fucking idiotic blog. The video games are not cutting it at the moment. I want to be reading. But my vision is still fucked. I think I'm not getting enough protein. Fuck, I'm just flat out not eating. I lost 3 pounds in the past 8 days. My pants are falling off. I can't afford new pants so; I should eat but I can't taste anything. Oh god I'm so hungry but nothing tastes. And this is all in my head, w00000t this is fucking fantastic. I can't wait to read this fucking bullshit saga from the other goddamn side, hopefully somewhere settled and warm and dry and with someone who loves me. That would be totally rad but until then, we keep writing this piecemeal shit just to keep sane, keep the ideas flowing, we'll have to pick through all of this for the book. The book has been rewritten 2x and now I'm thinking a 3rd. I NEVER finish any fucking thing I do (that's a lie, I finish about half of the things I start) so it's going to be refreshing to write a 3rd book after tossing the first two in the stupid bin. I do not do any motherfucking thing according to any kind of standard, I reinvent the fucking wheel every time I get in a car. It's a goddamn CURSE.
It's the same with other things. Like if I am a liar, and hear someone lying, I get to call them out on it knowing full well they are lying because they are using my tactic. (I have lived with 2 narcissists in my life, and enablers and golden children. Learned how to lie AND steal from the BEST, let me tell you. But now, trying to catch lies before they form, I'd like to say I am exorcising that part of my life. A lifelong learned behavior is a HARD habit to break let me just say.)
If a person was an emotionally abusive sibling who reveled in having control over just one disenfranchised person, they are going to call out everything I do that is manipulative, even when it is just me trying to get something I need from her. I might try every avenue and every venue trying to get what I need but that looks like wheedling and manipulation and so I am called out and retreat. And stop asking for what I need. I ask for so little now. I ask for nothing but my food. I can't get my food stamps card. Not without involving the government. She just has to hold on to that one little thing.
But if I post about that I get the card thrown in my face and told that I need to stop spreading my lies on Facebook. If I hadn't posted on Facebook and if the spy in my friends list hadn't told my sister what I was posting, I'd not have gotten my groceries this week. So double edged sword I guess.
All I know is that I have no one to talk to in depth about any of this so I write. It's all I can do, just talk to myself. My therapist is going to be so full of shit and I still go. Because therapy good right? ugh not really. Not this one.
I see my doctor today and hoo boy that's going to be emotional. Far as he knows I've just had a stressful time lately due to my thyroid. He has no idea what baggage is going to follow me in there today and I'm willing to bet I start crying when I tell him about how I've been living since I told her I was leaving. I tell him how narcissistic she is and he nods and yet he's her doctor. I wonder if he believes me. My sister manipulates the assistant to tell her what's in my file too. I could get them all in trouble. My sister is the master manipulator. I know, we both learned from mother. The difference is I know what it is and I want to cut it out of me. My sister refuses to believe it's in her. She's a complete and utter facade, a lie, a robot who goes on auxiliary power when there's no man around to impress. I told her she was basically married to our brother yesterday and that's the weird thing with narcissists...
they never get upset at the OUTRAGEOUS but TRUE statements. Like, I say "You and Donnie are a married couple!" and "All you care about is men who can help you fix your car or computer cheaply" ... that ought to send someone into a RAGE but it just slides by. That's what is deeply disturbing to me. What I get all the flak for is the stupid shit that comes out when I'm enraged and backed into a corner. Her favorite place to put me since it shows me becoming unhinged and unbalanced. And then she can point to how I acted, leaving out her spitting wild tearing-doors-off-hinges shit. Just exactly like mother. And then to tell me I am exactly like mother while I am telling her she is, and that's just the stupidest exchange in the history of fights.
Say I was (am) a highly trained equestrian. I might notice some gestures or clothing items (lapel pins even) that might denote another of my ilk. I'd most certainly mention that I used to show hunters over fences. NOW, that's not a lie, and I am not going to go into the fact that Paper Doll was a murderous cunt of a pony that tried to throw me into the jumps every time. But I did know what I was doing. I just couldn't pick the pony up and make it fly over the rails. So I can talk hunter over fences. I don't need to go into the fact that it was all shit for me. My point being, I can spot another rider. Just as I can spot another trans man. A liar can spot a liar... and a liar looks for certain 'scenarios' that they themselves could manipulate, and realizing the situation could be manipulated, assumes YOU are going to be the one trying whatever it was they thought of. So they head you off at the pass and accuse you of what THEY would do in the situation. And it's gaslighting isn't it? Isn't that gaslighting? It keeps me unstable. I begin to question everything I said. I begin to wonder and I begin to doubt and now I'm in full shame for having my head injuries and what if I really am a piece of shit? And off to my room I go to sit and play video games or type on my stupid fucking idiotic blog. The video games are not cutting it at the moment. I want to be reading. But my vision is still fucked. I think I'm not getting enough protein. Fuck, I'm just flat out not eating. I lost 3 pounds in the past 8 days. My pants are falling off. I can't afford new pants so; I should eat but I can't taste anything. Oh god I'm so hungry but nothing tastes. And this is all in my head, w00000t this is fucking fantastic. I can't wait to read this fucking bullshit saga from the other goddamn side, hopefully somewhere settled and warm and dry and with someone who loves me. That would be totally rad but until then, we keep writing this piecemeal shit just to keep sane, keep the ideas flowing, we'll have to pick through all of this for the book. The book has been rewritten 2x and now I'm thinking a 3rd. I NEVER finish any fucking thing I do (that's a lie, I finish about half of the things I start) so it's going to be refreshing to write a 3rd book after tossing the first two in the stupid bin. I do not do any motherfucking thing according to any kind of standard, I reinvent the fucking wheel every time I get in a car. It's a goddamn CURSE.
It's the same with other things. Like if I am a liar, and hear someone lying, I get to call them out on it knowing full well they are lying because they are using my tactic. (I have lived with 2 narcissists in my life, and enablers and golden children. Learned how to lie AND steal from the BEST, let me tell you. But now, trying to catch lies before they form, I'd like to say I am exorcising that part of my life. A lifelong learned behavior is a HARD habit to break let me just say.)
If a person was an emotionally abusive sibling who reveled in having control over just one disenfranchised person, they are going to call out everything I do that is manipulative, even when it is just me trying to get something I need from her. I might try every avenue and every venue trying to get what I need but that looks like wheedling and manipulation and so I am called out and retreat. And stop asking for what I need. I ask for so little now. I ask for nothing but my food. I can't get my food stamps card. Not without involving the government. She just has to hold on to that one little thing.
But if I post about that I get the card thrown in my face and told that I need to stop spreading my lies on Facebook. If I hadn't posted on Facebook and if the spy in my friends list hadn't told my sister what I was posting, I'd not have gotten my groceries this week. So double edged sword I guess.
All I know is that I have no one to talk to in depth about any of this so I write. It's all I can do, just talk to myself. My therapist is going to be so full of shit and I still go. Because therapy good right? ugh not really. Not this one.
I see my doctor today and hoo boy that's going to be emotional. Far as he knows I've just had a stressful time lately due to my thyroid. He has no idea what baggage is going to follow me in there today and I'm willing to bet I start crying when I tell him about how I've been living since I told her I was leaving. I tell him how narcissistic she is and he nods and yet he's her doctor. I wonder if he believes me. My sister manipulates the assistant to tell her what's in my file too. I could get them all in trouble. My sister is the master manipulator. I know, we both learned from mother. The difference is I know what it is and I want to cut it out of me. My sister refuses to believe it's in her. She's a complete and utter facade, a lie, a robot who goes on auxiliary power when there's no man around to impress. I told her she was basically married to our brother yesterday and that's the weird thing with narcissists...
they never get upset at the OUTRAGEOUS but TRUE statements. Like, I say "You and Donnie are a married couple!" and "All you care about is men who can help you fix your car or computer cheaply" ... that ought to send someone into a RAGE but it just slides by. That's what is deeply disturbing to me. What I get all the flak for is the stupid shit that comes out when I'm enraged and backed into a corner. Her favorite place to put me since it shows me becoming unhinged and unbalanced. And then she can point to how I acted, leaving out her spitting wild tearing-doors-off-hinges shit. Just exactly like mother. And then to tell me I am exactly like mother while I am telling her she is, and that's just the stupidest exchange in the history of fights.
I can't communicate
It's gotta be me. I mean, doesn't it have to be me, if everyone is mad at me, and distancing themselves, yes, it's me then. Ok, how can I get across what is going on in my head?
My sister is a narcissist and the effects of her personality (if you can call it that) on my psyche are far-reaching when you consider decades of programming. I literally get paralyzed around her, and to break the paralysis it takes a LOT of fortitude and I am reaching deep for that shit right now. I have to go over the top -- way over-- angry to the point of spouting actual nonsense right up in her face. I say the most idiotic and made up crap. If it was anyone else I'd assume they too were just mad and making up dumb shit to say in anger but this one, this one definitely believes what she's saying. I DO mean it however when I call her a full blown narcissist and tell her that she is going to die alone surrounded by all her precious knick knacks... just like our mother is going to do and just like her mother before her and her mother before her. Old crones all that rotted away in obscurity left to die by their families. And now we know why. That is not going to be me. Many is the time I have imagined it, the slow drop from a tall building or the long walk into the sea. That's quite the risky gamble however,
... trying to grow old as long as you can without passing over that line where they park you in a nursing home and you have lost your personal freedom and are now governed by others. How would I end it then? I'd have to end it before that happened. But, no matter how or when it happens, it won't be me in a bed surrounded by junk and a couple of offspring hoping you actually stowed a bit of money away somewhere and are going to leave it to them. Ho! naw, I'll be hopefully found curled up in a ball in the snow in Alaska (If there's any snow left by then) having just walked out into a blizzard naked to die like a free human. No undertaker or oven for me thank you. Let my bones and bits feed the bears and may my bear-host be nourished mightily. But please, do not let the bear start to eat me before I am dead. That is what I hope for. One cannot speak for the bear.
***********
What I would like to know, and what I suppose my stupid therapist will not be able to figure out this decade, is why I am SO paralyzed by my sister's presence. At my age, with the experiences I have had (rugby, military, cowboi, et cetera), I'd not be afraid of a middle aged sister that is shorter than me and out of shape (more so than me!). Others see her as the most generous, sweetest stage manager, or the kindest, most caring caregiver. They do not see the vitriol that spews forth when ever we get into the past. Which is, of course, OK for HER to bring up, but if I do it, not relevant, move on. I cannot win, gave up on winning and now don't even know what game it is. Now, I'm just trying to keep my piece on the board, and she keeps setting it back even if it's not her turn.
My sister erases all traces of me the moment I have passed through a room.
At first I thought this was her OCD or anal retentive or whatever it is called; I'd joke about how I'd fuck with her by moving a knick knack slightly-- she'd immediately arise and move it back to it's normal position the moment she spotted the error. But as the years wore on I began to realize that she was erasing all traces of me the moment I'd passed through any given room. IF I had washed dishes and put them in the sink drainer, she re-arranges them. IF I have left a pan on the stove top to soak a bit and cool off while I eat, she moves it. Into the sink, or if it was in the sink, she puts it on the stove top. IF I move the blinds up, she puts them down a bit. If I put the vacuum cleaner away, she goes and puts it away properly. If I set something down in any room but my room, it gets put in my bathroom (which she refuses to call "MY" bathroom and insists on calling the GUEST bathroom. I'm not allowed to pick my own towels or put up a whimsical shower curtain) for me to put away in my room. No trace of me to be found out in the rest of the apartment, with the exception of one picture of me on the fridge, with grandmother. NOT one picture of me as an adult on the fridge and come to think of it, NOT ONE picture on the fridge of ANY of us OLDER adults. No pictures allowed to be seen hanging around where she is seen as "OLD". Her profile pictures are all of her much younger or they are fantasy paintings. You don't' see her real face in her FB pictures either.
So when I go out of my room I am in HER apartment. I am forced to use all her dishes and all her pots and pans and she has so many plates and glasses and tupperware containers and gadgets and shit, there is no space left for anything of mine. And she's got this system, everything in its place, which is great, except.. there are too many things. To try to get or find something you have to know where it is OR pull EVERYTHING out... which is fine, BUT... if you dont put it back properly, you're fucked. So it gets me all totally anxious trying to figure out which container she'd want me to put something in. IF I put it in any container, it's the wrong one. She'll change it out for me though. But she won't tell me what container she switched it to. So I have to hunt for it in the 'fridge.
Sis has zero boundaries so when I am cooking and using a very sharp knife she will absolutely just barge right in and weasel her way in to get to the sink, NOT SEEING that I have a big chef's knife in my hand and am chopping. I stop and hold still and stare at the wall. She's nudged me aside. While I was chopping, the idiot. NO SENSE OF HER SURROUNDINGS, or... is she that vindictive? I'll never know. I only know that I hate cooking when she is around so now I do my cooking at lunch only. Dinner is cold something or other. If I eat dinner. Good lord, I can't taste anything! For so long here I thought I wasn't eating because I had a crush but good grief, I'm still not eating. It's just that I don't taste anything, and it seems like too much trouble to cook, and my sister is always cooking really yummy SMELLING things but I go in to cook, having gotten an appetite from her cooking, and I just can't, because she's in there. So I go sit down in my room to wait and by the time she's done, I'm just not even interested any more.
When I write this it sounds like some really harsh deep depression type shit. But deep inside I'm still me, happy enough, despite the circumstances. Here I find myself having pushed away all but a tiny core of people in my life, even Karen is distancing. I know that is happening. I also know it's all I can do to keep my head above the waterline here, it's why I am writing and not playing video games right now. I want to remember it all. I've....
I've isolated myself for the past 4 years having given up entirely on life and just succumbed to my sister's will because it was easier to give up than to stand up to her. In that 4 years I learned how to build computers, mod Fallout 4, manipulate game files, maintain a PC, clean it etc. I learned a lot of Spanish words and phrases, I made some online friends, but mostly, I learned a lot about my self. The deeper I go the messier it gets but the good news is, I'm kind of a blank slate when it comes to new experiences. Wide open to them. And to new people. Forming rooted tribes or tribal experiences may not be for me. At least it doesn't look like it at present. There's a reason Stephen Elliot is my favorite author-- we're vagabonds. Barreling through life sometimes, others simpering. But moving forward, learning, thinking, being. Soon, I'll be doing.
Old ways love to entrench, and some of these behaviors are dug deep after getting rooted for 4 years. But I'm aware and I'm trying not to beat myself up. Don't I keep starting over? Don't I keep picking it up and making it better than before? While I do miss the safety and security of the job at the hospital, I do not miss the simpering writhing mess I was inside then. What a coward I was!
Another situation where, because I had promised not to leave, I could not leave when I wanted to. Bren was cheating on me, I knew it, and I should have fucking bolted before winter hit. Leaving her duplex in the middle of a blizzard to drive to Ted Steven's airport-- then leaving the car in the lot. For good. I remember looking at my dog tags hanging from the rear view and thinking: "I am too sad to even bother". Just got out and left them hanging. It's a miracle they found their way back to me. And every time I go to Tillamook I look for that stupid car. I wonder if it still has the bumper sticker "Alaska Girls Kick Ass" heh heh. I cant put that on my car now can I? Although I'm not going to own another car I guess.
Honestly I am at a crossroads. And I may need to reinvent myself because this is a real low loser type of situation here. I mean I CAN SEE how it looks from outside this bedroom. I can see how crazy I sound to just about everyone. I can hear myself screaming inside half the time. It's sort of like that disease where you can hear and see everything but you cant move or speak ... I feel like I can see what is going on inside me, I know why it's happening, I understand how it got this way, I understand how I let it happen. I understand it's all my fault, I get it. I know that this is not going to be an easy fix and I have to find a compassionate place to land and when I do land I can't fuck it up with my anger. I'm only angry at myself and my sister but mostly myself because it took 3 and 3/4 years to realize what I have become. I'm pathetic. I know that. But M has some real empathy for my plight and will take all my boxes and the computer. I'd sell the computer but it took me a year to save up for the parts. I don't think I can do without a PC for that long although a detox will certainly be in order when I get out of here.
Honestly I didn't really think about it before but my transition is being met with some real typical drama like sis dead naming me and me freaking out in every way possible about this or that to do with transition and getting to Oregon is like ... you know, OREGON OR BUST! all us poor trans want to go to Portland, it's where we are accepted. It IS a total freakout telling everyone what you are when you are just figuring it out.
Solidarity with every poor sap who ever realized they were trans and just wanted to be like all the other happy little trans... lucky bastards. Sometimes-- of course! -- I wish I'd never heard or seen any transgender people. I wish I did not know that some have found happiness by transitioning to the other gender. Because mostly I despair of ever being at home in my body, and I despair of being at home in my brain. At least if I got some help from the medical community in this I could feel a little bit of peace within. when I look at the picture of me with the photoshopped beard, I smile for real. I sort of smirk even. That 's me. But right now I'm a floppy titted splotchy skinned bow legged crooked teeth bent nose twat that lives in essentially their mom's basement and plays with the computer and the cat all day and all night.
the other thing I learned while I've been SO ONLINE for SO LONG? I'll talk about that in another post. [EXTREMELY ONLINE] [or: what's up with the youth and their acronyms and shit]
My sister is a narcissist and the effects of her personality (if you can call it that) on my psyche are far-reaching when you consider decades of programming. I literally get paralyzed around her, and to break the paralysis it takes a LOT of fortitude and I am reaching deep for that shit right now. I have to go over the top -- way over-- angry to the point of spouting actual nonsense right up in her face. I say the most idiotic and made up crap. If it was anyone else I'd assume they too were just mad and making up dumb shit to say in anger but this one, this one definitely believes what she's saying. I DO mean it however when I call her a full blown narcissist and tell her that she is going to die alone surrounded by all her precious knick knacks... just like our mother is going to do and just like her mother before her and her mother before her. Old crones all that rotted away in obscurity left to die by their families. And now we know why. That is not going to be me. Many is the time I have imagined it, the slow drop from a tall building or the long walk into the sea. That's quite the risky gamble however,
... trying to grow old as long as you can without passing over that line where they park you in a nursing home and you have lost your personal freedom and are now governed by others. How would I end it then? I'd have to end it before that happened. But, no matter how or when it happens, it won't be me in a bed surrounded by junk and a couple of offspring hoping you actually stowed a bit of money away somewhere and are going to leave it to them. Ho! naw, I'll be hopefully found curled up in a ball in the snow in Alaska (If there's any snow left by then) having just walked out into a blizzard naked to die like a free human. No undertaker or oven for me thank you. Let my bones and bits feed the bears and may my bear-host be nourished mightily. But please, do not let the bear start to eat me before I am dead. That is what I hope for. One cannot speak for the bear.
***********
What I would like to know, and what I suppose my stupid therapist will not be able to figure out this decade, is why I am SO paralyzed by my sister's presence. At my age, with the experiences I have had (rugby, military, cowboi, et cetera), I'd not be afraid of a middle aged sister that is shorter than me and out of shape (more so than me!). Others see her as the most generous, sweetest stage manager, or the kindest, most caring caregiver. They do not see the vitriol that spews forth when ever we get into the past. Which is, of course, OK for HER to bring up, but if I do it, not relevant, move on. I cannot win, gave up on winning and now don't even know what game it is. Now, I'm just trying to keep my piece on the board, and she keeps setting it back even if it's not her turn.
My sister erases all traces of me the moment I have passed through a room.
At first I thought this was her OCD or anal retentive or whatever it is called; I'd joke about how I'd fuck with her by moving a knick knack slightly-- she'd immediately arise and move it back to it's normal position the moment she spotted the error. But as the years wore on I began to realize that she was erasing all traces of me the moment I'd passed through any given room. IF I had washed dishes and put them in the sink drainer, she re-arranges them. IF I have left a pan on the stove top to soak a bit and cool off while I eat, she moves it. Into the sink, or if it was in the sink, she puts it on the stove top. IF I move the blinds up, she puts them down a bit. If I put the vacuum cleaner away, she goes and puts it away properly. If I set something down in any room but my room, it gets put in my bathroom (which she refuses to call "MY" bathroom and insists on calling the GUEST bathroom. I'm not allowed to pick my own towels or put up a whimsical shower curtain) for me to put away in my room. No trace of me to be found out in the rest of the apartment, with the exception of one picture of me on the fridge, with grandmother. NOT one picture of me as an adult on the fridge and come to think of it, NOT ONE picture on the fridge of ANY of us OLDER adults. No pictures allowed to be seen hanging around where she is seen as "OLD". Her profile pictures are all of her much younger or they are fantasy paintings. You don't' see her real face in her FB pictures either.
So when I go out of my room I am in HER apartment. I am forced to use all her dishes and all her pots and pans and she has so many plates and glasses and tupperware containers and gadgets and shit, there is no space left for anything of mine. And she's got this system, everything in its place, which is great, except.. there are too many things. To try to get or find something you have to know where it is OR pull EVERYTHING out... which is fine, BUT... if you dont put it back properly, you're fucked. So it gets me all totally anxious trying to figure out which container she'd want me to put something in. IF I put it in any container, it's the wrong one. She'll change it out for me though. But she won't tell me what container she switched it to. So I have to hunt for it in the 'fridge.
Sis has zero boundaries so when I am cooking and using a very sharp knife she will absolutely just barge right in and weasel her way in to get to the sink, NOT SEEING that I have a big chef's knife in my hand and am chopping. I stop and hold still and stare at the wall. She's nudged me aside. While I was chopping, the idiot. NO SENSE OF HER SURROUNDINGS, or... is she that vindictive? I'll never know. I only know that I hate cooking when she is around so now I do my cooking at lunch only. Dinner is cold something or other. If I eat dinner. Good lord, I can't taste anything! For so long here I thought I wasn't eating because I had a crush but good grief, I'm still not eating. It's just that I don't taste anything, and it seems like too much trouble to cook, and my sister is always cooking really yummy SMELLING things but I go in to cook, having gotten an appetite from her cooking, and I just can't, because she's in there. So I go sit down in my room to wait and by the time she's done, I'm just not even interested any more.
When I write this it sounds like some really harsh deep depression type shit. But deep inside I'm still me, happy enough, despite the circumstances. Here I find myself having pushed away all but a tiny core of people in my life, even Karen is distancing. I know that is happening. I also know it's all I can do to keep my head above the waterline here, it's why I am writing and not playing video games right now. I want to remember it all. I've....
I've isolated myself for the past 4 years having given up entirely on life and just succumbed to my sister's will because it was easier to give up than to stand up to her. In that 4 years I learned how to build computers, mod Fallout 4, manipulate game files, maintain a PC, clean it etc. I learned a lot of Spanish words and phrases, I made some online friends, but mostly, I learned a lot about my self. The deeper I go the messier it gets but the good news is, I'm kind of a blank slate when it comes to new experiences. Wide open to them. And to new people. Forming rooted tribes or tribal experiences may not be for me. At least it doesn't look like it at present. There's a reason Stephen Elliot is my favorite author-- we're vagabonds. Barreling through life sometimes, others simpering. But moving forward, learning, thinking, being. Soon, I'll be doing.
Old ways love to entrench, and some of these behaviors are dug deep after getting rooted for 4 years. But I'm aware and I'm trying not to beat myself up. Don't I keep starting over? Don't I keep picking it up and making it better than before? While I do miss the safety and security of the job at the hospital, I do not miss the simpering writhing mess I was inside then. What a coward I was!
Another situation where, because I had promised not to leave, I could not leave when I wanted to. Bren was cheating on me, I knew it, and I should have fucking bolted before winter hit. Leaving her duplex in the middle of a blizzard to drive to Ted Steven's airport-- then leaving the car in the lot. For good. I remember looking at my dog tags hanging from the rear view and thinking: "I am too sad to even bother". Just got out and left them hanging. It's a miracle they found their way back to me. And every time I go to Tillamook I look for that stupid car. I wonder if it still has the bumper sticker "Alaska Girls Kick Ass" heh heh. I cant put that on my car now can I? Although I'm not going to own another car I guess.
Honestly I am at a crossroads. And I may need to reinvent myself because this is a real low loser type of situation here. I mean I CAN SEE how it looks from outside this bedroom. I can see how crazy I sound to just about everyone. I can hear myself screaming inside half the time. It's sort of like that disease where you can hear and see everything but you cant move or speak ... I feel like I can see what is going on inside me, I know why it's happening, I understand how it got this way, I understand how I let it happen. I understand it's all my fault, I get it. I know that this is not going to be an easy fix and I have to find a compassionate place to land and when I do land I can't fuck it up with my anger. I'm only angry at myself and my sister but mostly myself because it took 3 and 3/4 years to realize what I have become. I'm pathetic. I know that. But M has some real empathy for my plight and will take all my boxes and the computer. I'd sell the computer but it took me a year to save up for the parts. I don't think I can do without a PC for that long although a detox will certainly be in order when I get out of here.
Honestly I didn't really think about it before but my transition is being met with some real typical drama like sis dead naming me and me freaking out in every way possible about this or that to do with transition and getting to Oregon is like ... you know, OREGON OR BUST! all us poor trans want to go to Portland, it's where we are accepted. It IS a total freakout telling everyone what you are when you are just figuring it out.
Solidarity with every poor sap who ever realized they were trans and just wanted to be like all the other happy little trans... lucky bastards. Sometimes-- of course! -- I wish I'd never heard or seen any transgender people. I wish I did not know that some have found happiness by transitioning to the other gender. Because mostly I despair of ever being at home in my body, and I despair of being at home in my brain. At least if I got some help from the medical community in this I could feel a little bit of peace within. when I look at the picture of me with the photoshopped beard, I smile for real. I sort of smirk even. That 's me. But right now I'm a floppy titted splotchy skinned bow legged crooked teeth bent nose twat that lives in essentially their mom's basement and plays with the computer and the cat all day and all night.
the other thing I learned while I've been SO ONLINE for SO LONG? I'll talk about that in another post. [EXTREMELY ONLINE] [or: what's up with the youth and their acronyms and shit]
Tuesday, August 20, 2019
Revelation
One of my subs today, had a thread about how some narcissist parents will be so jealous of the child's innate talents that the parent will flat out forbid the child to do the thing it's good at. Then there are the really subtly undermining parents like my mother who instead of flat out forbidding the activity,
they push you so hard you end up quitting in frustration, unable to ever be perfect -- as perfect as the parent is trying to make you be. And after reading that I was truly gobsmacked. All over that thread we were talking about how our parent pushed us so hard on this or that talent; and I remembered how I was supposed to be absolutely perfect to the point of not having a lick of fun or enjoying anything about any aspect of certain competitive activities. It always depended on if it was something my mother wanted to be seen as good at or not. Take for instance: bareback riding. My mother cared not a whit about bareback riding so I could be the best at that. The very best! But put that saddle on and start riding English or Western Equitation, now we have to be perfect. All the life sapped out of everything to do with formal horse shows. Fuck that noise. One day after her hounding me to practice again I just threw the saddle down and never put it back on again. From that day forward, I rode only bareback. Ditto guitar. I always wondered why I quit guitar... then today I remembered. I tried to do it perfectly but my hands were too small and I was always struggling. Why I let Karen send me this huge guitar I'll never know. In fact my hands would lock up, I remember now. I think I was reading something about that on reddit not too long ago: people's hands locking up due to practicing too much. I seem to have forgotten everything I learned too, put it out of my mind.
Mother never wanted to play the trumpet so I could get really good at that. When mother could not (would not) afford lessons anymore, I stopped practicing.
Painting. Mother was on the fence about painting. So my paintings were 'ok'. But my pastels... she loved pastels. My pastel was... not her cup of tea. She didn't like it in fact. And when I made a sculpture... she had to be the one to finish it. It was not 'mine'. She took zero interest in my videos, zero interest in my book. Two things she did not care about: writing and videotape.
When my mother cast me as 'Anybody's ' in West Side Story... she pretty much did not direct me. I directed myself -- I thought that was odd. She exalted me when my Alto Tenor voice filled in a very large gap in a song during "Bye Bye Birdie" ; it was great that I could play a guy wearing a mechanic's outfit and singing that note none of the young boys could hit yet. But it was not ok if I dressed like at home. It never had been. Not because my mother cared what I wore, but because she cared what others thought. I was allowed to be the best actor I could be and not get 'rehearsed to death' because I was not playing any roles she cared about: I was doing men's roles. Except for Anybody's, but my mother would never have had any interest in playing a Tomboy. She did however make a killer WITCH. In Hansel & Gretel I played a HENCHMAN. Again, a small side part in which she had no interest and therefore could be magnanimous and praise me to no end. It was a simple, stupid part but I stole the show with an ad lib every night.
So there were so many things she pushed me to perfection on and that I would quit. I see it now -- a pattern emerges. She finds out how to make me quit asap and then ! More money for her. This is also evidenced by the money she took from me "to buy groceries" when I had saved up 50 bucks to buy a calf for 4-H.
This was going to be my first calf, my first 4-H event: county fair! But alas, no calf for me, no 4-H. I was so excited about the thought of hanging out with other farm girls or boys, in overalls, raising a calf. When I saw her pocket that 50 bucks...
*****
I found the reddit thread: Push and Sabotage. Oh man what a gut punch. Thinking back to the rides to and from the guitar lessons: why was I dissociating so hard in the back seat? What was going on in the front seat that I had to disassociate entirely the whole way to and from, pretending I was that guy from 'Wild Wild West'... tied up in the back seat of the car about to be eviscerated by a swinging saw pendulum, or the like.
What were they talking about, or doing, or why was the car ride so traumatic that I had to disassociate both ways? *strokes chin*. I remember the car rides to the Beckman's for riding lessons, they were not traumatic. Oh...because mother was not around. Someone else drove... and here again, SURELY mother knew about Paper Doll. Knowing that mother was the one who wanted to be seen as the horse whisperer, it falls into line that she bought me the worst jumper in the history of jumpers. Paper Doll was a pony that was supposedly worth 1500 dollars USd due to her bloodlines. But the pony would NOT jump a jump in a horse show. I could not get her over the jumps. It was HORRIBLY humiliating. I was a very good rider over fences. I still am. But you cannot force a pony over a jump. My show jumping career was dead in the water before it began and my mother KNEW THAT.
My sister washed my jumping habit -- my habit was something that felt right to me. I wore it with pride, it felt right. It felt good. A nice black wool habit coat and she washed it and it shrank. To this day she says she didn't know you could not wash wool but by that time she was quite the accomplished laundry person. No way that was an accident: same as when she cut my hair. I had a braid down to my ass. My sister cut it all off one day. I had not remembered that since it happened.
Well it's good I can start remembering some stuff from childhood now. It'll be good to suss it all out.
they push you so hard you end up quitting in frustration, unable to ever be perfect -- as perfect as the parent is trying to make you be. And after reading that I was truly gobsmacked. All over that thread we were talking about how our parent pushed us so hard on this or that talent; and I remembered how I was supposed to be absolutely perfect to the point of not having a lick of fun or enjoying anything about any aspect of certain competitive activities. It always depended on if it was something my mother wanted to be seen as good at or not. Take for instance: bareback riding. My mother cared not a whit about bareback riding so I could be the best at that. The very best! But put that saddle on and start riding English or Western Equitation, now we have to be perfect. All the life sapped out of everything to do with formal horse shows. Fuck that noise. One day after her hounding me to practice again I just threw the saddle down and never put it back on again. From that day forward, I rode only bareback. Ditto guitar. I always wondered why I quit guitar... then today I remembered. I tried to do it perfectly but my hands were too small and I was always struggling. Why I let Karen send me this huge guitar I'll never know. In fact my hands would lock up, I remember now. I think I was reading something about that on reddit not too long ago: people's hands locking up due to practicing too much. I seem to have forgotten everything I learned too, put it out of my mind.
Mother never wanted to play the trumpet so I could get really good at that. When mother could not (would not) afford lessons anymore, I stopped practicing.
Painting. Mother was on the fence about painting. So my paintings were 'ok'. But my pastels... she loved pastels. My pastel was... not her cup of tea. She didn't like it in fact. And when I made a sculpture... she had to be the one to finish it. It was not 'mine'. She took zero interest in my videos, zero interest in my book. Two things she did not care about: writing and videotape.
When my mother cast me as 'Anybody's ' in West Side Story... she pretty much did not direct me. I directed myself -- I thought that was odd. She exalted me when my Alto Tenor voice filled in a very large gap in a song during "Bye Bye Birdie" ; it was great that I could play a guy wearing a mechanic's outfit and singing that note none of the young boys could hit yet. But it was not ok if I dressed like at home. It never had been. Not because my mother cared what I wore, but because she cared what others thought. I was allowed to be the best actor I could be and not get 'rehearsed to death' because I was not playing any roles she cared about: I was doing men's roles. Except for Anybody's, but my mother would never have had any interest in playing a Tomboy. She did however make a killer WITCH. In Hansel & Gretel I played a HENCHMAN. Again, a small side part in which she had no interest and therefore could be magnanimous and praise me to no end. It was a simple, stupid part but I stole the show with an ad lib every night.
So there were so many things she pushed me to perfection on and that I would quit. I see it now -- a pattern emerges. She finds out how to make me quit asap and then ! More money for her. This is also evidenced by the money she took from me "to buy groceries" when I had saved up 50 bucks to buy a calf for 4-H.
This was going to be my first calf, my first 4-H event: county fair! But alas, no calf for me, no 4-H. I was so excited about the thought of hanging out with other farm girls or boys, in overalls, raising a calf. When I saw her pocket that 50 bucks...
*****
I found the reddit thread: Push and Sabotage. Oh man what a gut punch. Thinking back to the rides to and from the guitar lessons: why was I dissociating so hard in the back seat? What was going on in the front seat that I had to disassociate entirely the whole way to and from, pretending I was that guy from 'Wild Wild West'... tied up in the back seat of the car about to be eviscerated by a swinging saw pendulum, or the like.
What were they talking about, or doing, or why was the car ride so traumatic that I had to disassociate both ways? *strokes chin*. I remember the car rides to the Beckman's for riding lessons, they were not traumatic. Oh...because mother was not around. Someone else drove... and here again, SURELY mother knew about Paper Doll. Knowing that mother was the one who wanted to be seen as the horse whisperer, it falls into line that she bought me the worst jumper in the history of jumpers. Paper Doll was a pony that was supposedly worth 1500 dollars USd due to her bloodlines. But the pony would NOT jump a jump in a horse show. I could not get her over the jumps. It was HORRIBLY humiliating. I was a very good rider over fences. I still am. But you cannot force a pony over a jump. My show jumping career was dead in the water before it began and my mother KNEW THAT.
My sister washed my jumping habit -- my habit was something that felt right to me. I wore it with pride, it felt right. It felt good. A nice black wool habit coat and she washed it and it shrank. To this day she says she didn't know you could not wash wool but by that time she was quite the accomplished laundry person. No way that was an accident: same as when she cut my hair. I had a braid down to my ass. My sister cut it all off one day. I had not remembered that since it happened.
Well it's good I can start remembering some stuff from childhood now. It'll be good to suss it all out.
I feel like I helped someone.
Scary as it is, I made a Facebook page that is for Huntsville, Alabama: a Huntsville Antifa page. Yes I did. I looked at other states, other cities, they all had a lone page, curated by most likely one person like me, just trying to shine a beacon in the dark.
After a few days, one person liked it, there is one lone soul in this city that is also antifa, and brave enough to share the posts from the page. So I wrote to him to ask him if he wanted to co-mod the page, haven't heard back. But I did gank some memes from his page and shared them on my main. I want this person to know they are not alone in being anti-fascist. I wish I could have seen his face when he saw the page. Must have been like when I found out Sunday is antifa. Although I suspect she does not go to the Proud Boy rallys. Oh man I have missed seeing Sunday up there with the flag.
Found a place to put the boxes: M's house in Birmingham. Why didn't I ask her sooner? She said, anything I needed. I said I'd like to visit (never seen more than a picture of her house) but she's got the kids, and they would not understand. But my boxes will be safe. And my computer. Although I could send the computer to Travis's... I doubt Karen would like to see me hanging out at Travis's house. She's going to have to get used to it though. Trav was my buddy and keeps asking when I'm coming back. Not my fault he lives next door. Karen is being standoffish now. she's going to have to get over the fact I want to be in Portland. I cant imagine the size of her ego to think I'm coming back just to be near her. I don't really want to hang out with her that much... and I'm certain I won't feel the same way I did before now that she's turning into 'the other half' of her partner. I see her losing her personality. I'm bummed, but it happens. I think her partner is settling in and putting her foot down on things. Good for them. I just want to see the dogs honestly. If they aren't up for that, fuck it.
Not even sure I'm headed that way now. Once my boxes are away to M's house I am footloose. The question will be what mode of transport and where do I point it? My sister, so amazingly out of touch, suggests a rental car. My credit cards are long gone, sis. I used them to pay rent back in Portland when my body was giving out and I was waiting for disability. I told Karen about that yesterday... that that is how I lost my credit. I was too afraid to tell her back then; and I never got my credit back since. Just gave up on it. She's now mad because she thinks I am blaming her. I'm not. It's just that she had told me to my face "No partner of mine is going to be on disability"... and now she doesn't remember saying that. It's not her fault that I let a statement like that keep me from seeing the lawyer when I first knew I couldn't work much longer. But she did say it. I was just trying to explain something to her. I was dreading work to the point of wanting to walk in front of a bus. I told her that I could not go to this job much longer.
This was after Joel's death. Joel's death fucked her up I know; and it made it so that when I mentioned feeling suicidal due to having to go to a job that was killing me, she refused to hear it. So I kept it to myself: struggled along by myself. At this time, I was not able to afford the co-pays AND bus for therapy, as I did not have disability yet and was living off 3 credit cards. Not telling Karen this, going to work when I could but mostly just not going to work and trying to figure something out. We had some fights, and when we fought she went stone. I never knew how to react. I'd walk home and come back an hour later to find her in the same position, like a crying stone. And later she would tell me that it nearly killed her when I walked off to go home to cool off. After that she started making me promise never to leave her, ever. Of course I said I would not.
Karen now has some kind of mad on and thinks I am blaming her for my credit. If I blamed her wouldnt' I have brought that ammo out long ago during one of our hours - long volatile e-mail matches? She doesn't remember. Omg she doesn't remember how she'd write me one volatile e-mail, drunk as a lord, I'd react, begging her to be kind and not mean, and BOOM off we'd GO. For HOURS and HOURS and me not even drinking and her drinking for days. I could not not engage-- not at first. I had to learn to turn the phone off and not open the laptop. I'd have to wait 3 days.
Of course, I did this to her as well. My rejoinders were not as well thought out, and mean though. I began to see how her and Reptyler might have had some real blow-outs. Like that one time I was in college and Karen called me on my cell, crying. It was 3 p.m. in the afternoon and she was blitzed. When asked what was wrong -- she said "TYLER sent me an e-mail" and I'm OH GOD HERE WE GO. 3 p.m. and I have a class and an hour is not enough time for this, I had to promise to call her after class. That Tyler thing went on and on the whole time we were in a LDR-- you know, there were no doubt as many red flags for me with K-chop as there must have been for her with me. Why did we both ignore them? Because we really needed each other. But I think she needed me more than I needed her; since in the end, it was me that had to find a way to get her to throw me out. I had promised not to leave her-- so I made her throw me out. Now, all these years later, she's finally turning from me to her partner. I suppose it was inevitable and I'm kind of , no hugely relieved. I really am free now.
B. wants me to come to Queens or the Bronx or whatever it is. I am so tempted. I haven't been to NYC since the 80s. I'd like to see it sans Richard. You know, the people in my past were not the greatest. I wasn't the greatest. I'm definitely not the greatest now. But I always land on my feet. If I can keep Wanda from breathing down my neck... if I could find out who is spying on my FB page for her, I'd be happy. I have 5000 people to go through. For which she mocked me. She mocked me for having the full 5000 'friends' -- mostly for spreading political information. I have Fallout friends and they take up about 1 percent then the rest is political. I have unfriended most of my IRL friends to make room for people interested in politics. My sister mocks me for that. "All my Bernie friends". I know 5000 people that like Bernie Sanders. I think that's kind of neat, that we all want to learn about what is going on in the world and help each other do that. My sister thinks it's stupid.
None of it seems very stupid to me.
After a few days, one person liked it, there is one lone soul in this city that is also antifa, and brave enough to share the posts from the page. So I wrote to him to ask him if he wanted to co-mod the page, haven't heard back. But I did gank some memes from his page and shared them on my main. I want this person to know they are not alone in being anti-fascist. I wish I could have seen his face when he saw the page. Must have been like when I found out Sunday is antifa. Although I suspect she does not go to the Proud Boy rallys. Oh man I have missed seeing Sunday up there with the flag.
Found a place to put the boxes: M's house in Birmingham. Why didn't I ask her sooner? She said, anything I needed. I said I'd like to visit (never seen more than a picture of her house) but she's got the kids, and they would not understand. But my boxes will be safe. And my computer. Although I could send the computer to Travis's... I doubt Karen would like to see me hanging out at Travis's house. She's going to have to get used to it though. Trav was my buddy and keeps asking when I'm coming back. Not my fault he lives next door. Karen is being standoffish now. she's going to have to get over the fact I want to be in Portland. I cant imagine the size of her ego to think I'm coming back just to be near her. I don't really want to hang out with her that much... and I'm certain I won't feel the same way I did before now that she's turning into 'the other half' of her partner. I see her losing her personality. I'm bummed, but it happens. I think her partner is settling in and putting her foot down on things. Good for them. I just want to see the dogs honestly. If they aren't up for that, fuck it.
Not even sure I'm headed that way now. Once my boxes are away to M's house I am footloose. The question will be what mode of transport and where do I point it? My sister, so amazingly out of touch, suggests a rental car. My credit cards are long gone, sis. I used them to pay rent back in Portland when my body was giving out and I was waiting for disability. I told Karen about that yesterday... that that is how I lost my credit. I was too afraid to tell her back then; and I never got my credit back since. Just gave up on it. She's now mad because she thinks I am blaming her. I'm not. It's just that she had told me to my face "No partner of mine is going to be on disability"... and now she doesn't remember saying that. It's not her fault that I let a statement like that keep me from seeing the lawyer when I first knew I couldn't work much longer. But she did say it. I was just trying to explain something to her. I was dreading work to the point of wanting to walk in front of a bus. I told her that I could not go to this job much longer.
This was after Joel's death. Joel's death fucked her up I know; and it made it so that when I mentioned feeling suicidal due to having to go to a job that was killing me, she refused to hear it. So I kept it to myself: struggled along by myself. At this time, I was not able to afford the co-pays AND bus for therapy, as I did not have disability yet and was living off 3 credit cards. Not telling Karen this, going to work when I could but mostly just not going to work and trying to figure something out. We had some fights, and when we fought she went stone. I never knew how to react. I'd walk home and come back an hour later to find her in the same position, like a crying stone. And later she would tell me that it nearly killed her when I walked off to go home to cool off. After that she started making me promise never to leave her, ever. Of course I said I would not.
Karen now has some kind of mad on and thinks I am blaming her for my credit. If I blamed her wouldnt' I have brought that ammo out long ago during one of our hours - long volatile e-mail matches? She doesn't remember. Omg she doesn't remember how she'd write me one volatile e-mail, drunk as a lord, I'd react, begging her to be kind and not mean, and BOOM off we'd GO. For HOURS and HOURS and me not even drinking and her drinking for days. I could not not engage-- not at first. I had to learn to turn the phone off and not open the laptop. I'd have to wait 3 days.
Of course, I did this to her as well. My rejoinders were not as well thought out, and mean though. I began to see how her and Reptyler might have had some real blow-outs. Like that one time I was in college and Karen called me on my cell, crying. It was 3 p.m. in the afternoon and she was blitzed. When asked what was wrong -- she said "TYLER sent me an e-mail" and I'm OH GOD HERE WE GO. 3 p.m. and I have a class and an hour is not enough time for this, I had to promise to call her after class. That Tyler thing went on and on the whole time we were in a LDR-- you know, there were no doubt as many red flags for me with K-chop as there must have been for her with me. Why did we both ignore them? Because we really needed each other. But I think she needed me more than I needed her; since in the end, it was me that had to find a way to get her to throw me out. I had promised not to leave her-- so I made her throw me out. Now, all these years later, she's finally turning from me to her partner. I suppose it was inevitable and I'm kind of , no hugely relieved. I really am free now.
B. wants me to come to Queens or the Bronx or whatever it is. I am so tempted. I haven't been to NYC since the 80s. I'd like to see it sans Richard. You know, the people in my past were not the greatest. I wasn't the greatest. I'm definitely not the greatest now. But I always land on my feet. If I can keep Wanda from breathing down my neck... if I could find out who is spying on my FB page for her, I'd be happy. I have 5000 people to go through. For which she mocked me. She mocked me for having the full 5000 'friends' -- mostly for spreading political information. I have Fallout friends and they take up about 1 percent then the rest is political. I have unfriended most of my IRL friends to make room for people interested in politics. My sister mocks me for that. "All my Bernie friends". I know 5000 people that like Bernie Sanders. I think that's kind of neat, that we all want to learn about what is going on in the world and help each other do that. My sister thinks it's stupid.
None of it seems very stupid to me.
Monday, August 19, 2019
I am smart, I am funny, I am loved.
This will pass.
I am only like this when I feel trapped. I am only like this when I feel alone and trapped. I am not trapped. I am an adult. I have rights. I have agency. I am loved.
I am not trapped.
The door is right there.
The door is right there.
The door is right there.
I am stepping through it.
***
I do not actually believe I am loved. But B. says I am and K says I am close to her heart, so there's that. K is taking a break, for which I am quite glad. That is a good thing because she's going through some work shit and needs to start turning to her partner more anyway. Man she acts like I'm going to land on her fucking doorstep and beg for sanctuary. I'm not her other ex. I'm not tyler. But I might as well be. I never met a more paranoid person in my life. I keep getting around these people who isolate themselves and then I isolate. Like my sister. Karen. Before that, Bren. Isolationists. They draw me in somehow. I have to watch that shit. I used to be an adventurer! Yes: my physical and mental shit went WONKY as FUCK lately and my plans went ... aha! Here's a good bit:
The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men
Gang aft agley [of't go wrong]
"To a Mouse, on Turning Her Up in Her Nest With the Plough, November, 1785"
~ Robert Burns
I doubt na, whiles, but thou may thieve;
What then? poor beastie, thou maun live!
A daimen icker in a thrave
'S a sma' request;
I'll get a blessin wi' the lave,
An' never miss't!
John Steinbeck took the title of his 1937 novel Of Mice and Men from a line contained in the penultimate stanza: "The best laid schemes o' mice an' men / Gang aft agley" (often paraphrased in English as "The best-laid plans of mice and men / Go oft awry").
I am only like this when I feel trapped. I am only like this when I feel alone and trapped. I am not trapped. I am an adult. I have rights. I have agency. I am loved.
I am not trapped.
The door is right there.
The door is right there.
The door is right there.
I am stepping through it.
***
I do not actually believe I am loved. But B. says I am and K says I am close to her heart, so there's that. K is taking a break, for which I am quite glad. That is a good thing because she's going through some work shit and needs to start turning to her partner more anyway. Man she acts like I'm going to land on her fucking doorstep and beg for sanctuary. I'm not her other ex. I'm not tyler. But I might as well be. I never met a more paranoid person in my life. I keep getting around these people who isolate themselves and then I isolate. Like my sister. Karen. Before that, Bren. Isolationists. They draw me in somehow. I have to watch that shit. I used to be an adventurer! Yes: my physical and mental shit went WONKY as FUCK lately and my plans went ... aha! Here's a good bit:
The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men
Gang aft agley [of't go wrong]
"To a Mouse, on Turning Her Up in Her Nest With the Plough, November, 1785"
~ Robert Burns
Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a pannic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi' bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an' chase thee,
Wi' murd'ring pattle!
I'm truly sorry man's dominion,
Has broken nature's social union,
An' justifies that ill opinion,
Which makes thee startle
At me, thy poor, earth-born companion,
An' fellow-mortal!
What then? poor beastie, thou maun live!
A daimen icker in a thrave
'S a sma' request;
I'll get a blessin wi' the lave,
An' never miss't!
Thy wee bit housie, too, in ruin!
It's silly wa's the win's are strewin!
An' naething, now, to big a new ane,
O' foggage green!
An' bleak December's winds ensuin,
Baith snell an' keen!
Thou saw the fields laid bare an' waste,
An' weary winter comin fast,
An' cozie here, beneath the blast,
Thou thought to dwell-
Till crash! the cruel coulter past
Out thro' thy cell.
Thy wee bit heap o' leaves an' stibble,
Has cost thee mony a weary nibble!
Now thou's turn'd out, for a' thy trouble,
But house or hald,
To thole the winter's sleety dribble,
An' cranreuch cauld!
But, Mousie, thou art no thy-lane,
In proving foresight may be vain;
The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men
Gang aft agley,
An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain,
For promis'd joy!
Still thou art blest, compar'd wi' me
The present only toucheth thee:
But, Och! I backward cast my e'e.
On prospects drear!
An' forward, tho' I canna see,
I guess an' fear!
Little, silky, cowering, timid beast,
Oh, what a panic is in your breast!
You need not start away so hasty
With bickering prattle!
I would be loath to run and chase you,
With murdering paddle!
I'm truly sorry man's dominion
Has broken Nature's social union,
And justifies that ill opinion
Which makes you startle
At me, your poor, earth-born companion
And fellow mortal!
I doubt not, sometimes, that you may steal;
What then? Poor beast, you must live!
An odd ear in twenty-four sheaves
Is a small request;
I will get a blessing with what is left,
And never miss it.
Your small house, too, in ruin!
Its feeble walls the winds are scattering!
And nothing now, to build a new one,
Of coarse green foliage!
And bleak December's winds coming,
Both bitter and piercing!
You saw the fields laid bare and empty,
And weary winter coming fast,
And cozy here, beneath the blast,
You thought to dwell,
Till crash! The cruel plough passed
Out through your cell.
That small heap of leaves and stubble,
Has cost you many a weary nibble!
Now you are turned out, for all your trouble,
Without house or holding,
To endure the winter's sleety dribble,
And hoar-frost cold.
But Mouse, you are not alone,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often askew,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!
Still you are blessed, compared with me!
The present only touches you:
But oh! I backward cast my eye,
On prospects dreary!
And forward, though I cannot see,
I guess and fear!
Oh, what a panic is in your breast!
You need not start away so hasty
With bickering prattle!
I would be loath to run and chase you,
With murdering paddle!
I'm truly sorry man's dominion
Has broken Nature's social union,
And justifies that ill opinion
Which makes you startle
At me, your poor, earth-born companion
And fellow mortal!
I doubt not, sometimes, that you may steal;
What then? Poor beast, you must live!
An odd ear in twenty-four sheaves
Is a small request;
I will get a blessing with what is left,
And never miss it.
Your small house, too, in ruin!
Its feeble walls the winds are scattering!
And nothing now, to build a new one,
Of coarse green foliage!
And bleak December's winds coming,
Both bitter and piercing!
You saw the fields laid bare and empty,
And weary winter coming fast,
And cozy here, beneath the blast,
You thought to dwell,
Till crash! The cruel plough passed
Out through your cell.
That small heap of leaves and stubble,
Has cost you many a weary nibble!
Now you are turned out, for all your trouble,
Without house or holding,
To endure the winter's sleety dribble,
And hoar-frost cold.
But Mouse, you are not alone,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often askew,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!
Still you are blessed, compared with me!
The present only touches you:
But oh! I backward cast my eye,
On prospects dreary!
And forward, though I cannot see,
I guess and fear!
THE THINGS I DO
1) when I sneeze it comes on fast. I don't have time to prepare for it, they just come out. This frightens my sister, and she gets very angry. It makes me dread sneezing around her. If I think there might be any chance, I will distance myself from her, say, the next room.
2) If I come into the kitchen un-announced, I get yelled at. So I have to say "COMING IN!" every time. Loudly. IF I AM IN THE KITCHEN, she sneaks up behind me and scares the shit out of me, every time, and pushes me aside to get to the sink. It's like I do not exist.
3) When I do the dishes, she re-arranges them. They are not ever put away satisfactorily. She refuses to put my clean dishes away. I always put her clean dishes away.
4) When I clean my bathroom or the cat litter box, it is never done to her satisfaction and she will always re-do it behind me.
5) If I put a note on the counter to remind myself (in the kitchen), she will move it. If I put a cup on the counter to come back and use in a bit, it's moved. If I put a dish away, it's moved a tad. If I move the drapes or the blinds, they have to be rearranged. Any sighting of anything that belongs to me left out in the common areas is immediately whisked away to my bedroom or bathroom.
6) I am not allowed to chose my own shower curtain or bath towels or bath mats.
7) I am not allowed to hang what I want in my bathroom.
8) My closet is full of her belongings.
9) My dead brother's couch takes up half my bedroom. She refuses to remove it. I have 2/3rds of my room to myself.
10) Every time I put gas in the car she takes it away from me. Saying I owe her for breaking a water pitcher but if I ask for the gas money back, I should have thought of that before I got her angry.
11) I have told her many times I am having trouble with my vision, my brain and my balance. Despite this, she calls me a complete idiot for not remembering that Afton is a black woman. She says I am stupid for saying the things I said when I was under extreme duress in the car. I've told her time and time again I'm on disability but she keeps treating me like I should be able to think and remember like everyone else. I can't. And the anxiety and worry are making me 10 times worse. And I will write down each and every thing that happens from this moment on so that I will never, ever ever come back anywhere near this situation again. And I will share it all with whatever decent therapist I find.
12) Her constant gripe: all you do is sit in that room and play video games. When asked how this is any different from sitting in front of the TV every minute including while at work, I get no response. When told I am not playing video games the entire time, I am met with 'yeah sure'. When asked how much she thinks my computer actually costs to run per day, I get no answer. But I do hear "IT'S A LOT". And when told that I am volunteering for the Bernie campaign? "Yeah you and your stupid Bernie friends. Get one of them to help you out". "Bunch of fucking losers".
13) I built my own computer. My sibling's response? "It looks just like the other one you had" (it looks NOTHING like the other one). Despite me having built my computer, my brother turns to my sister for computer help. She rules him, he won't even talk to me now.
14) Despite the fact that I clean the cat litter box every morning, she is now, of a sudden as of this week, cleaning it again before she goes to bed. Which is usually around 11 pm. And right next to my door.
15) I just got up to go pee. As I was passing through the doorway, my body lurched. My body sort of ... pushed one say, then the other. Like that dude in Altered States going down the hallway. I could not control my legs for a bit. I crashed into the wall. I'm going 'oof' and 'urgh' because it's alarming and weird. My sister: " Jesus Christ, MARIA". the dead name she now uses with glee. And not one bit of empathy or sympathy for someone crashing down a hallway, nope. I think of that kind of behavior as psychopathic. Sociopathic? One of those. My body straightened out and I walked normally down the rest of the hall. It mostly happens when I get up, I have to remember to wait a bit and not start walking immediately. I don't know what is happening but I think it's just my blood pressure and the barometric pressure outside. Still, it's exacerbated by whatever this shit is
16) "I can't read your MIND"... I put 1/2 & 1/2 on the list, she did not buy it. I used her milk for my coffee. I sent her a text saying "Since you didn't get 1/2 & 1/2, I'm using your milk for my coffee & cereal." that's me, having to head off at the pass a big mad for opening her milk. *** So, she's not been communicating, and since she didn't buy my cream-- I assumed she was now not buying my groceries. All my other food had run out-- except a block of cheese. She used to replenish things as they ran out; now, I had nothing to eat but cheese and oatmeal. So I figured she was not going to buy my food. She says "I can't read your MIND you know. You didn't put anything on the list!" I say to her "I put cream on there, you didn't get it. " She tells me why she didn't go to the store. But remember, I am the one not communicating. the problem here is, she keeps me so off balance, I am afraid to do something and afraid not to do it, and so I waffle and never do the same thing the same way twice. I over think the simplest thing like how to place an item in the fridge. Everything has to go back exactly as it was. When I take a bunch of items out of the fridge, I panic if I do not remember how they go back in. This often makes me wary of taking things out to begin with. So here I sit with no food, because I was too afraid to write it down because I thought she would laugh at me because I thought she would think I was now begging her for food. And she is sitting in there watching that cunt Bill Maher and laughing her head off while the Oligarchy laughs all the way to the bank and she is aiding them. And by following their lead, lost all empathy to her own sister, whom the family has always treated like dog shit anyway and so why should she be any different.
The other day she said I was angry at David. I said WHAT? This was a classic movie DOUBLETAKE moment. WHAT??? David was the only nice one. Why the fuck would I be mad at... oh fuck. She's read my Facebook posts about how I was mad at my brother for dying and now she's going around saying I have anger towards my brother who died of AIDS. This is the moment when you realize your mother had sex with someone in the family and that's who my sister's father is, because she is dumb as a fucking post. A STUPID narcissist. A goddam stupid narcissist. You know, I say this to everyone who will listen to me: "Narcissists are not human and I need to remember that from now on." I keep expecting someone to say OH MY GOD that is AWFUL to say! or 'how inhumane' but nope. EVERYONE nods and says "You gotta get out of there".
I am not going to discredit the past 4 years as I have definitely had some serious insights. In 4 years I have slain quite a few dragons. Whooo. Mother of dragons! My mother. And the relationship so called with my sister and brother here; that's closing. The only thing making me sad about leaving here is the cat. Bonnie is going to miss me terribly, and my narcissist sister is evil enough that she refuses to give Bonnie any succor when I leave. I know, because I heard about last time I moved for a month: the cat just wanted to lay in the sun where she was used to laying, and my sister refused to put anything in the window for Bonnie. Because that's where MY stuff had been, that the cat liked to lay on... or whatever twisted reasons my sister comes up with, the cat is going to suffer.
**********
the cat knows, is following me around. She follows me at a distance, because she is skittish, but she is terribly concerned that I am leaving again. She knows, and it is breaking my heart. I wake up to her face staring at me from her little bed atop the dresser.
2) If I come into the kitchen un-announced, I get yelled at. So I have to say "COMING IN!" every time. Loudly. IF I AM IN THE KITCHEN, she sneaks up behind me and scares the shit out of me, every time, and pushes me aside to get to the sink. It's like I do not exist.
3) When I do the dishes, she re-arranges them. They are not ever put away satisfactorily. She refuses to put my clean dishes away. I always put her clean dishes away.
4) When I clean my bathroom or the cat litter box, it is never done to her satisfaction and she will always re-do it behind me.
5) If I put a note on the counter to remind myself (in the kitchen), she will move it. If I put a cup on the counter to come back and use in a bit, it's moved. If I put a dish away, it's moved a tad. If I move the drapes or the blinds, they have to be rearranged. Any sighting of anything that belongs to me left out in the common areas is immediately whisked away to my bedroom or bathroom.
6) I am not allowed to chose my own shower curtain or bath towels or bath mats.
7) I am not allowed to hang what I want in my bathroom.
8) My closet is full of her belongings.
9) My dead brother's couch takes up half my bedroom. She refuses to remove it. I have 2/3rds of my room to myself.
10) Every time I put gas in the car she takes it away from me. Saying I owe her for breaking a water pitcher but if I ask for the gas money back, I should have thought of that before I got her angry.
11) I have told her many times I am having trouble with my vision, my brain and my balance. Despite this, she calls me a complete idiot for not remembering that Afton is a black woman. She says I am stupid for saying the things I said when I was under extreme duress in the car. I've told her time and time again I'm on disability but she keeps treating me like I should be able to think and remember like everyone else. I can't. And the anxiety and worry are making me 10 times worse. And I will write down each and every thing that happens from this moment on so that I will never, ever ever come back anywhere near this situation again. And I will share it all with whatever decent therapist I find.
12) Her constant gripe: all you do is sit in that room and play video games. When asked how this is any different from sitting in front of the TV every minute including while at work, I get no response. When told I am not playing video games the entire time, I am met with 'yeah sure'. When asked how much she thinks my computer actually costs to run per day, I get no answer. But I do hear "IT'S A LOT". And when told that I am volunteering for the Bernie campaign? "Yeah you and your stupid Bernie friends. Get one of them to help you out". "Bunch of fucking losers".
13) I built my own computer. My sibling's response? "It looks just like the other one you had" (it looks NOTHING like the other one). Despite me having built my computer, my brother turns to my sister for computer help. She rules him, he won't even talk to me now.
14) Despite the fact that I clean the cat litter box every morning, she is now, of a sudden as of this week, cleaning it again before she goes to bed. Which is usually around 11 pm. And right next to my door.
15) I just got up to go pee. As I was passing through the doorway, my body lurched. My body sort of ... pushed one say, then the other. Like that dude in Altered States going down the hallway. I could not control my legs for a bit. I crashed into the wall. I'm going 'oof' and 'urgh' because it's alarming and weird. My sister: " Jesus Christ, MARIA". the dead name she now uses with glee. And not one bit of empathy or sympathy for someone crashing down a hallway, nope. I think of that kind of behavior as psychopathic. Sociopathic? One of those. My body straightened out and I walked normally down the rest of the hall. It mostly happens when I get up, I have to remember to wait a bit and not start walking immediately. I don't know what is happening but I think it's just my blood pressure and the barometric pressure outside. Still, it's exacerbated by whatever this shit is
16) "I can't read your MIND"... I put 1/2 & 1/2 on the list, she did not buy it. I used her milk for my coffee. I sent her a text saying "Since you didn't get 1/2 & 1/2, I'm using your milk for my coffee & cereal." that's me, having to head off at the pass a big mad for opening her milk. *** So, she's not been communicating, and since she didn't buy my cream-- I assumed she was now not buying my groceries. All my other food had run out-- except a block of cheese. She used to replenish things as they ran out; now, I had nothing to eat but cheese and oatmeal. So I figured she was not going to buy my food. She says "I can't read your MIND you know. You didn't put anything on the list!" I say to her "I put cream on there, you didn't get it. " She tells me why she didn't go to the store. But remember, I am the one not communicating. the problem here is, she keeps me so off balance, I am afraid to do something and afraid not to do it, and so I waffle and never do the same thing the same way twice. I over think the simplest thing like how to place an item in the fridge. Everything has to go back exactly as it was. When I take a bunch of items out of the fridge, I panic if I do not remember how they go back in. This often makes me wary of taking things out to begin with. So here I sit with no food, because I was too afraid to write it down because I thought she would laugh at me because I thought she would think I was now begging her for food. And she is sitting in there watching that cunt Bill Maher and laughing her head off while the Oligarchy laughs all the way to the bank and she is aiding them. And by following their lead, lost all empathy to her own sister, whom the family has always treated like dog shit anyway and so why should she be any different.
The other day she said I was angry at David. I said WHAT? This was a classic movie DOUBLETAKE moment. WHAT??? David was the only nice one. Why the fuck would I be mad at... oh fuck. She's read my Facebook posts about how I was mad at my brother for dying and now she's going around saying I have anger towards my brother who died of AIDS. This is the moment when you realize your mother had sex with someone in the family and that's who my sister's father is, because she is dumb as a fucking post. A STUPID narcissist. A goddam stupid narcissist. You know, I say this to everyone who will listen to me: "Narcissists are not human and I need to remember that from now on." I keep expecting someone to say OH MY GOD that is AWFUL to say! or 'how inhumane' but nope. EVERYONE nods and says "You gotta get out of there".
I am not going to discredit the past 4 years as I have definitely had some serious insights. In 4 years I have slain quite a few dragons. Whooo. Mother of dragons! My mother. And the relationship so called with my sister and brother here; that's closing. The only thing making me sad about leaving here is the cat. Bonnie is going to miss me terribly, and my narcissist sister is evil enough that she refuses to give Bonnie any succor when I leave. I know, because I heard about last time I moved for a month: the cat just wanted to lay in the sun where she was used to laying, and my sister refused to put anything in the window for Bonnie. Because that's where MY stuff had been, that the cat liked to lay on... or whatever twisted reasons my sister comes up with, the cat is going to suffer.
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the cat knows, is following me around. She follows me at a distance, because she is skittish, but she is terribly concerned that I am leaving again. She knows, and it is breaking my heart. I wake up to her face staring at me from her little bed atop the dresser.
IF it's not my thyroid...
Then this has been all in my head. It has to be my thyroid. I lost my vision and I lost my taste-- half of my taste anyway. I can't taste anything all the way. And my glasses stopped working. And I'm too tired to do much, and it feels like I'm made of lead. And I can't concentrate. There are snakes in my belly. My brain is black. My heart is full though. Through all of this, my heart is full. Must. Stand. Up. for . Self.
Crawl through this, Zed. Remember what she said to you: "When you are going through Hell... keep going."
Crawl through this, Zed. Remember what she said to you: "When you are going through Hell... keep going."
I'm sort of fucked
Why did Caitlin J write about me? (lol)
"We’ve all got that one friend or family member who’s completely miserable and is always quitting jobs and relationships and moving house and changing their diet in a desperate attempt to find happiness. They rearrange their lifestyle for the umpteenth time and they’re barely settled in before their gaze lands on some other aspect of their life and they think, “That’s the source of my unhappiness right there. If I can only escape from that, I’ll be happy.”
" Such people are exasperating to be around, because you can see what they’re doing and you just want to sit them down and go “The problem is in you, babe. Moving won’t help; your inner demons will follow you every time. You’ve got to stay put and deal with your issues.”
"We’ve got to turn inward and evolve beyond our self-destructive impulses. The only way out is through. The mind virus of celestial escapism stops us from doing this, because it offers us yet another false promise of deus ex machina. It lets us run away from doing the hard but necessary real inner work, just like doing drugs or binging on Netflix or any other kind of escapism."
I get to see my doctor in a couple of days but to what avail. I don't see how I can stay here. Getting a room in this town is going to be impossible. I am stuck. I've been living like this so long I have made no friends in this town and so I have this huge problem and no one to help me. My brother has dropped out of the picture, the coward, and my sister is a complete and utter bitch. She's not even going to do the shopping. I have no groceries now. I'm going to have to shell out money for Uber.
Well I just heard that you can rent a truck from Lowe's for 20 bucks so I can use that to get all my boxes shipped. As for the bike & guitar that I never did sell... pawn shop at this point. There's easily 500 dollars worth of stuff that I'll get 40 for if I'm lucky.
At this point I want to die so it's no longer about money it's about I have to get out of here before I hurt myself. This has been going on 4 years and I have finally had enough and have to take back my life from the narcissist. I don't know where I will go. I don't know what the doctor is going to say and as long as I am not going to die on the flight from unmanaged diabetes or a blood clot then I should get out of here. I'm desperate and crying all day and it's just not ok. My sister is laying around reading a Hillary book because she doesn't want to have the TV sound on so she can track my every move by listening in. It's insidious
Part of me is just sitting back figuring there isn't anything she can really DO to me. She can't call the cops for no reason. I do not give her a reason to do that. Although she does give ME a reason, I won't call them on her. She can't kick me out without 30 days notice either. I don't literally have to pay her for the remaining 2 weeks since I have been overpaying her for 4 years. Also, the rent is paid for the month at the office. I paid half a months' rent. Which is what I should have been paying her all this time since I have no agency outside of my own room.
All she cares about is money. I'm trying like hell to save up every penny and all she cares about is getting as much out of me as possible. And blaming me for everything that goes wrong now, like she didn't push her own disabled sister into a room and basically let her rot in there while being abusive behind my back. Everything a narcissist says to me is a reflection of what they find wrong with themselves. She's telling me that I am calling her names and threatening her; the 'threat' was this: I said verbatim:
"If you want me on the streets I can leave right now but you will never hear from me again" and she said she is ok with that so... no obligation there. That's my 'threat' to her. And she will go around telling everyone I am threatening her, letting them use their imagination as to what the threat looks like.
Narcissists are accomplished, polished, extreme sports level liars. I learned from the two best in the nation and everything out of my fucking mouth has to be inspected carefully because of it. Right now my heart rate is up, I'm sweating, I'm anxious, I'm frightened, I'm alone.
I'm completely alone in this. My ex is dogpiling on now. She says I am near and dear to her heart but she offers no solutions, only dire warnings. I have NO FAMILY to turn to, no close person I trust. They've all moved on with their life while I go through this with no real support. Which is my fault for choosing to live and stay here where there really is no good support for people like me. I did this to myself.
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So she's just taken me off the lease, and said she will evict me if I don't pay. It isn't that I don't want to pay. It's that I was hoping to pay after I had seen if I had everything I needed for say, a plane ticket, or the like. But she's in full blown narc mode and a terror to behold. Having just told her that she is a full blown narcissist, she's let that roll off her back and is settling into the roll quite nicely now. I have 5 boxes and a computer I need to send somewhere... but where?
OK you know, I have to find a place to send my boxes. That's the first priority. AND.... she has screamed at me for hours about how I stopped communicating. I think that's pretty funny, considering most people I know have had to tell me to STOP writing them at some point because all I want to do is communicate. But there is one person I cannot communicate with and I live with that person. How many years wasted, trying to communicate with anyone in this family?
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It's so weird to me. An hour conversation with someone about politics, love, life, death, philosophy, current events, you name it. A lovely discussion. Turn from that, to my sister, who is spouting absolute non-sense. NON SENSE. Not a sane word to be heard in this apartment when she's speaking. But I'm crazy. So the entire family in America has always just used me to piss on. And here I am , intelligent, decent, wanting to be helpful to people. But my family wants no part of that. I can't talk to them, I can't do things with them (I've begged them to come do stuff with me), there is really no point in me being around. The more I try to tell my truth, the less sense my truth makes when I try to tell it to THEM. Nothing I say makes any sense to them and trying to explain it gets you rolled eyes. They are going to live and die in Alabama-- alone. That is not going to be my fate!
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I will never understand how my sister can go off for hours about things I write on social media about her, saying she is terribly upset and going to sue me for slander! THEN, a few minutes later, having gotten some money, she's completely fine and it's all forgotten. I mean was she upset or not? My ex the therapist: 'that's why I don't use FB' me: "THAT IS NOT HELPFUL RIGHT NOW B!" her: chuckle.
Sometimes I think B is a bit of a sadist.
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In the middle of this convo with B, whose mother is laying near death nearby, (her mother is very old, a Polish Jew from Argentina who, with B's father, lived through the concentration camps)... I get a text from a random Alabama number (Birmingham, where my friend M lives). Apparently this woman thinks I am some guy she met on a flight out of B'ham the other day. I'm like, 'hi, wrong number lol' and she's like 'woo that could have been embarrassing' ... and I cock my head and think, is this happening? I thought this only happened in movies! '
Well, I tell B. what's happening and she says the universe LOVES me. Bea's an old soul, full of that light and wisdom shit so I take this as a good sign. And I simply cannot believe that at the age of 56 almost 57, after years of crippling depression and flatlined libido, I'm horny enough at any given time of the day to bust a nut with a rando in Birmingham. With only enough hesitation to alert my good friend B. who sits deathwatch over her poor mother-- that poor dying Jew who has to see FASCISTS marching up the street on her position, AGAIN. Can you imagine.
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So apparently random sexting with total strangers DOES happen in real life and I have decided to save the texts so I can prove it. Noone is going to get her number, but I have to see them myself to prove I didn't make it up. And I was truthful to the stranger, too. About my age, situation, gender issues, everything. Ha, figuring with each text I'd scare them off. Who knows who or what it really was. Who cares, they were kind, and did me a damn good turn just by being sexy and sweet to a stranger. Praxis! I wonder what Chapo Trap House would think about this. I mean; I have to sit here and laugh. It's been what, 6 years since I had sex, and that was with K with whom it was always awkward and difficult. It is entirely not her fault. Poor K had a pretty damned hard time in her youth... let's just say I will forever cut her slack. Whew, sexting. Ok. I AM 14.
You know at this point, I have forgotten (with the exception of surprise sexting apparently) how to live. But a sexy encounter ... however anonymous... can certainly remind someone of the good things in life. My taste buds may or may not come back , my skin may never clear up. I might never get my teeth straightened. But dammit, I can still be good at and enjoy the sexy times! Got a few years left where that might actually happen, who knows. It's not something I'm actively seeking, especially since I do not enjoy, or haven't, so far, the sex act itself. Of course that could change. But I don't seek sex out. I have sexual feelings... but when I think them through to the actual act, they usually dissipate. It's the rare human I like well enough to imagine it through and not be dissuaded by visions of them being taken aback by something such as psoriasis, or my crooked teeth that I don't show unless something makes me smile so hard I can't hide my teeth... I start imagining that and then how I hate trying to get people to tell me what they like. Have I only been with people who can't tell me what they like? I think maybe. Like they had to be really drunk to talk about it. Me, I can't just do it unless they do... talk about it I mean. If they are open to it, I am. If they aren't, I can't. Well so far. I might just go ahead and tell them what I like now, although, what do I like? I like to get it over with ASAP is what I like. Being turned on is more an annoyance to me. Lately anyway. Maybe it's because I'm so not used to it. Was it like this before?
Sad that a person has to be so messed up about so many things and it has to include sex of all things. Hard enough to find the sex, with someone who likes you back, but then it's got to have all this baggage and ... I see the baggage coming too. I have mine, I see theirs, I'm cool with theirs but mine is a bit too heavy for them. I don't blame them. I once had my shit on lockdown... I did. But I have one fatal flaw to end all fatal flaws: I cannot pretend to be normal for longer than 4 years. That is my breaking point every time. I had a button down job and I had a career path laid out and I looked at it hard and I said I cannot do this and I walked away from it. Because I could see myself dying down the road, just a shell of an automatron. It has long been my mantra that I will hitchhike to Portland, or to San Fran, to see their beauty one last time before I were to jump from a high rise or the like. I promised myself. A person who has not ever belonged anywhere and suddenly belonged somewhere has a very hard time leaving that place behind. Especially since seeking high and low within their means, they have not felt a part of since.
I wouldn't even be thinking about it had my libido not come back, I swear to god why. B. says I have too much adrenaline. Who knows maybe THAT is the stupid thyroid TOO. I absolutely hate that I had to go to the ER, and to the clinic, and waste hundreds of dollars, when it was undoubtedly my thyroid, and we could have checked that if my doctor wasn't booked 3 months solid, because they are packing patients in like CRAZY for some reason. My sleepy little neighborhood clinic got so busy I can't see my doctor anymore. Them trying to squeeze every dollar out of everything (it's a non profit hospital of course) has cost ME a couple hundred, thanks, US gov.
B. has been awfully attentive since I told her I always imagine her as one of the characters when I read a Gabrielle Garcia Marquez book. It will never make any sense how we were lovers at one point, she and I. It is sad too because I was so small minded I missed out on 90 percent of her huge personality. It's really unfortunate. She keeps saying I'm welcome there. But I know she has no idea what she'd be in for. Her mother would not understand me. Although I have seen a picture of B's romantic interest of current, and that person seems more masculine than I do, still. that person has not been invited to B's mother's house.
Which is bloody weird because long ago I thought I had lost touch with B. when she was living in Columbine. I had always wanted to meet her parents, as they were survivors of the concentration camps and I'd read Elie Wiesel--"NIGHT" and all kinds of books on the Holocaust. I was and remain insatiable on information pertaining to it because I have always thought America capable of nazi-ism and here we are. I'm seeing signs I learned about decades ago. And now here I am again, in touch with B. of a night, her mother laying near death, B reminiscing, and showing me pictures of her walks through the Burrough with her mother. Personally I think it would be absolutely flat out fascinating to hang out with B. for a while but I am distrustful of her motives. I have no intention of hooking up with an ex right now, and when it comes to hooking up with exes, lesbians tend to do that shit too much. I don't find her in the least attractive, and I'm not sure why we hooked up in the first place. We were destined to be friends, just like me and every other lover I've ever had other than the Gremlin. When I think of past lovers, I feel sorry for them each one. It's never a good idea to hook up with a street urchin. You really can't ever make a street urchin feel welcome, or satiated.
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So now I sit, deathwatch with B. I suppose my little problems take her mind off her mother's impending release.
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