3 days of peace

I mean, I had three days without Mike around.  Hear keys in the door then there's a woman in my room sitting on my bed and I'm freaking out; it's his ex and she's there to tell me I HAVE to go get Mike's car so i can pick him up in the morning. Holy fuck I did not want to so I told her no but she talked me into it; I was tempted to run right then but she promised to talk to him and she did and he was contrite enough that the morning wasn't horrid when I picked him up at the jail.

  Then he drove himself to work and got in trouble for it, he's not supposed to drive himself anywhere. And now I have his ex g/f's support, and the next door neighbor's support. Mike's supposed to be in jail when not at work, and I'm not going to allow him to hang out here if he's not working. I'm just not. Right now as it stands,
Mike is to be in jail when not at work according to his work release. He's not to drive. If he violates these rules I will be calling his ex who will chastise him then call the police if necessary.

  This has him in the apartment only an hour here and an hour there. I'd say though that for being in jail having an hour in your apartment to shit shower and shave and get your high on is quite the luxury. Much less 2 hours.

  Been texting and messaging B. a lot, it's really nice to finally get to know her. I was not receptive to her exoticness when we were together. But she IS amazed at how much I remember from our time together, she does not remember much of it. I'm finding out such interesting and sorrowful and lovely things about her.

  M. sent me a birthday card... B. was going to but asked first and I said dont', no one knows how long I'll be here. But M. didn't ask and just sent it, so it was nice to get. Very nice card. B. is going to transfer me money. What dear friends I have ... that I rarely see. I need friends that I can see... but for now these are the best remote friends one can have. M. goes above and beyond for me. It's touching every single day.

My stuff is stored

So now I'm down to just a few things. I have been getting rid of excess weight and condensing things. There are still things I will get rid of before I leave the state, like ... face lotion and razors and clippers. Stuff I will hang on to until I leave. So I have been throwing out clothes and shoes and all kinds of crap.

  My friend Mikki came up from Birmingham to gather my belongings for me. Now 90 percent of my stuff is in a safe place. Free storage, Mikki's the best. Now I have my bike & desktop which I will probably trade for a really  nice Chromebook. The bike ... man it's going to be too hot to ride it right up until it's cold, looks like. I wont be using it.

 Still pissed off at Sammy. I could so use a good friend right now and thinking I had one that was going to be on this journey with me... only to find out that they are lazy, boring bougie twats, well that is going to rankle for some time. Emotionally lazy I mean. I do not give a flying fuck how hard you work at your stupid bougie job. You said you'd be there and you dropped me like a hot potato after leading me on and you can suck it. I'm still pissed off.

Stuck again

Well things went to shit fast as they usually do when you're poor and have few options. This guy -- I called him out on his shit and he went ballistic but then after threatening to have the cops throw my shit out and put me in jail for trespassing he hugged me and said it was all good. So I'm asking M to come get my boxes, since I may need to be out on the street soon. I can't be worrying about all this stuff I have. This guy is a loose cannon.

  I am too sapped in dealing with him to write or eat or anything. I Have got to find a safe haven somewhere

Heat will break soon

Looks like we have another week or so of this insane 100 degree (feels like) temperature forecast. It's getting up to 95 or so with a feels like of 100 plus. I loathe going outside to do anything.

  We got rid of the tweaker who stopped being helpful and did not end up giving me a tattoo sadly. I was ready! Sadly we tore up numerous pencils for no reason. Or perhaps she managed to keep the pencil lead to give someone a shitty tweaker tat. Who knows. My roommate is fucking impossible to deal with... well he's possible to deal with but it's not helping my mental state much. NO comfort or anything from him but absolute chaos. I am getting up at 4 am to go collect him from jail and taking him back at 8 pm. He fucks around the entire way to and from the jail and drives high as a kite. I expect to die in a fiery crash any night now. (I drive to jail to get him, he drives me home, despite this being illegal).

 Not sure how long I'm supposed to do this, or how long I can take it. It does mean I have the place to myself from 8:30 to 5 am then from about 7 am to 7-pm.

  And I was just informed I am to sweep and mop the downstairs as he has someone coming by to look at the extra room. If it's another tweaker I'm going to have to be out of here.

So much has happened. AND, it's HOT

My roommate is in jail. Apparently he was arrested last month and released to work and was supposed to take drug tests but refused and was found to have marijuana in his system (they said nothing about the other drugs! WTF) and so he's on work release now. He thought they'd let him drive his own car to work but he's to be driven by me. I will be getting up at 0 dark thirty to drive him to work. He has said he will pay me. I will have the use of the car meanwhile.

  I can get a lot done in a few weeks with a car. I can get my things in order, I can ship my belongings and I can properly sell my computer and bike instead of taking them to a pawn shop. Any money Mike might actually pay  me I can give to the neighbor, whom he owes-- thus engendering good faith between all. I doubt she would accept it. But she turns out be a much better person than I judged her for. She totally 'gets' the way the state/criminal justice system is nickle and diming Mike and she knows he hasn't the mental energy for the fight to get out from under it. She has his social security card and will be paying rent for us on the 3rd if he's not out of jail. I'm to ask him , when I hear from him again, where his car is parked, and when he's to be released from jail for good.

  I have paid 260 for cable, and 120 for utilities. I have given him 100 for a deposit, and 400 for rent. That's all nearly 700 and so looks like I'll not be paying rent next month. I spent a pretty sleepless night last night worrying thinking I might have to bolt from here but it looks like the neighbor is cool and rent will be paid so it seems all will be well as long as she holds on to his card, he keeps getting his SSI, and the woman he brought home doesn't OD or anything like that. She's currently trying to not use any meth this morning although I know she did some earlier. I gave her some Naproxen Sodium and I hope that helps her, she's twisting around and sweating and talking to herself but she's lucid and cognizant enough, not tweaking or anything. God this is depressing from their point of view.

  Mike is a mess. He's not giving one shit about his own body or life. All he cares about is getting to his job. He smokes pot, does meth, sleeps, works. Eats whatever comes across his path when he's hungry. Drinks Pepsi all day long in order to work. Has drugs in his car... antidepressants he doesn't take, and some pain pills for nerve damage. I saw him pop one before he went in to court. I do not know how he managed to stay awake through the lawyer session. the man's body has got to be in turmoil. I don't think he ever drinks a drop of water or eats any vegetables that do not come on a burger. A 3 day old burger that has been sitting in the fridge. UGH

  The guy nods off in front of the TV watching videos on his phone. Then sleeps with his hands down his pants a-la Al Bundy. But he's been nothing but decent, nice, and caring to me. I'm learning so much, to be honest, about life on the streets as a criminal trying to work. Mike is in the enclave called "Alternative Sentencing" in which they keep you in jail and get the monies from you for fines, fees, court costs etc, AND they get the money from the for-profit prison system, because you take up a bed and eat their food. THEN they allow you to go to work so you still make money to be taxed and you still get to pay rent on the place you can't sleep at or go to. I saw a paper with a list of his fines for yesterday and it was like 14,000 dollars. Plus he has to pay his probation officer 40 bucks each time they meet? FOR WHAT??? That's two bags of basic groceries. BASIC. Mike shows no indication of ever changing, and his body isn't going to be able to keep this work up for long. He'll be on full disability soon, and will probably perish in an apartment fire since the cigarettes he smokes often can be found half burned on the floor or table then next morning. I don't care enough about this shitty life to worry about burning to death in my sleep, to be honest.  If that is how it goes down , so be it.

  I just want to get my shit together, get my brain working well enough for school, my body in shape, and get out of this state. It's so fucking hot right now that nothing can really be done. September has turned into HELL MONTH. JFC this summer just got brootal.

A COUP! And, an important day

 My super secret lesbian sub splintered today.  At my suggestion. Well others were talking about it but it LOOKS like everyone was waiting to see what I would do. So I made a post about splintering, and within a half hour, one of the old mods of the crappy sub which used to be my favorite had  made a new sub and now we have a progressive home.
  It was an entire day of arguing about hate speech and TERFS (Trans Exclusionary radical feminists). TERFS use hate speech and some TERFS were recruited on purpose. Friends of the mods apparently. So we trans got up in arms and shit went down and we splintered. It was a big day for me because some great people came to my aid, backed me up, supported my words, and defended me. All while the TERFS degraded me, called me  names and said I was crazy etc. They all remind me of my sister. They know not one fucking thing about anything to do with trans rights or the like, and they don't understand it so they are afraid. And they try to back up their unrealistic beliefs with jargon they heard in some debate somewhere. I heard someone refer to a statement as a back pedal when it was clearly not and I heard someone say I'd gotten an intractable roll (??) -- they use these weird sayings and phrases like my sister, that are out of context and not ... they don't fit the situation. Gaslighting, subterfuge, obfuscation and prestidigitation are their tools. Making it SEEM to the world like they know what they are talking about but they do not. It's an echo chamber just like all the other echo chambers.
  Anyhow I did not back down, I did not lose my shit, and I did not flounce. I haven't even un-subbed yet. But I am going to tomorrow after I make sure everyone that wants an invite to the new sub gets one. We did a great thing today, standing up for trans rights. And lots of people came along with me.

  To all of these people my malnourishment and my B12 problem is a joke. They literally said I was 'blaming shit on the vitamin deficiency' when I was so weakened by it and the malnourishment I was hitting walls, stumbling, feinting.

TAT postponed, but working on it

New roommate can't get to her tattoo supplies so we are looking to buy a set if we can find an affordable kit. I've learned how to make prison tattoos as of yesterday. Ink can be made from : pencil lead, or the inner guts of playing cards, or you can burn paper and use the ash. she has a prison tattoo needle. I am going to try to get some playing cards today. I want this to happen.

  I helped my homeless friend out yesterday by washing her clothes and feeding her and buying her milk and OJ. She seems to be eating much better. she's cleaned the entire living room, washed the walls and everything. It's too hot to do ANYTHING right now but soon as it cools we're going to go magnet fishing. Soon as I find the creek lol. I found 3 railroad spikes at the railroad tracks the other day. Wish I had a coal forge & an anvil!

  Mike is going to get put on work release tomorrow morning. We'd been having some concerns with him as he seems to "SLEEP JERK". Meaning in his sleep he has his hand down his pants; and he sleeps on the couch with no blanket. Yes, he is deffo asleep when this is happening -- so we won't have to be exposed to that for a while. He's going to be sleeping in jail for a bit. Otherwise nothing changes. He'll be coming here to eat and have a shower etc. But, I won't be exposed to his cigarette smoke all night so things are looking up for me!

 I've gotten the woman to smoke outside. I've had some headaches from the inside smoking.. .can't keep that up too  long. The heat here is unbearable despite this COLD as fUCK AC. Summer is brutal now-- it was so nice for so long I forgot how horrid it has been in recent years. Oh well.

  I found this picture from when I was living at my mom's and dying my hair, when I had met K.
  This is approx. 9 years ago. Flagstaff, Arizona

The bike is ready!

 Spent the morning walking to Walmart (vomit) and buying : bike pump, bike lock (cheap one, just for running into a store), bike lube, helmet. The helmet... it's a child sized. It was the only child sized helmet at Walmart that I liked. It fit perfectly but it did not have a label so they asked me where I got it.
   First off, it was like early as fuck and I hadn't had any coffee or vitamins (trying to get the walk/shopping over before the day got hot!) and I had only been to that Walmart once. They looked at me like I was crazy when I said I had no idea where I got the helmet from. I felt high as a kite but I had not smoked anything since the previous night! It was me, being confused as hell, and them, asking where I got the helmet and getting irate at me. I almost walked out but I really wanted that helmet. Anyhow I got the fucking helmet and I walked home with it and the other stuff and then I took a shower. Then I trotted out the bike and the nosy next door neighbor had to have her say in everything. But I got it working, its' all tuned up. The wheels are in great alignment. The brakes are working fine. My bike tools have rusted but I got them cleaned up. We're ready to roll should it ever cool the fuck down, whoa it's hot as fuck.
 
  Mike and the homeless woman are downstairs. She's smoking meth in the bathroom; Mike is passed out from his pot carts. Me, I'm sitting here talking to my ex (B. -- K abandoned me. Fuck K) about her dying kitty. And talking to M about her kid's upcoming history test. I have found 2 new (OLD) friends. Hooray for cleaning house.

Mountain Honey

 I was on the fence about the tattoo but then the universe plopped a tattoo artist down in my lap so looks like it's happening after all. A tattoo to remember this year by. The worst and most informative year of my life.

  Summed up by a tattoo that says MOUNTAIN HONEY.  I cannot wait. Where should I put it. HHmmmm

Who the fuck is this girl downstairs

My roommate is about my age, a man who works construction. I know nothing about his family or friends. There is a young woman downstairs and I do not know if she is a prostitute or a friend or his daughter or what. I made her coffee and talked to her a bit, she's as uneducated as a rock. In fact a rock would have been on the earth long enough to absorb more information. We could not be two more different people. She's sitting on the couch texting, writing something in a notebook... could she be in High School? holy fuck. she's been smoking all day inside. I have a terrible headache from it. TOO HOT outside. I have the fan pointed at my door. My serenity has been BROACHED. Oh well.

  Had a nice talk on the phone with an ex. I wish I'd been more mature when we were together. I had so much to learn from her and had to go learn it on my own, she could have and would have saved me so much time. It really is too bad we had to go our separate ways for so long to come to the conclusion we make good friends. She is pro- WARREN though and I have to nip that in the bud. Listening to her drive around Brooklyn looking for a street vendor in order to buy a cousin a home made gift is absolutely heart warming. Being a huge fan of street vendor art and products I heartily approve. I really wish I was rich and could just pop up for a visit. I really did want to meet her mother. I keep my eyes on airfare. Just in case. This would be a nice time to have a credit card. Brooklyn in the fall. Maybe I can swing it. Although she's headed into High Holy Days. Might be too tight.

 

No Seriously. I need to listen to pay attention to red flags

  She made fun of me for  using mods in Fallout 4. Dismissed me rudely about it, saying it was 'cheating'. When in fact it is merely manipulating the game to do things we want it to. Things she would have liked it to do. This was my first red flag and I did not understand it at the time but now I do. This is the way substanceless people go about their day. Pretending to know something about something and lying and subterfuge when it comes to brass tacks. They ride on my back all the way to the top then oust me every time because I won't stand up for myself. Just like my sister who could not break into theater or rugby on her own but when I joined, she joined, and took over the club or organization and alienated me from both of those. And now she can sit around pretending to be a stage manager when she's just sitting there keeping track of everyone, shittiest director's assistant in town and hasn't even acted herself in decades. Just like S. Pretending to be this or that but in truth, just a sad, lonely husk of a person. Why do I elevate these losers. I think it's because they have the trappings of 'success' but they also have the stink of desperation about them.

  She's wrong and she knows it. She's unhappy and she knows it. She's a fake, a fraud, a liar. And she knows it. Me, I'd let her come up behind me and fall in step with me where she belongs but she won't. She'll stay in that whitewashed boring shit life, same as before. same as it ever was. While I go exploring, adventuring. In real life. come see me in real life you chicken shit. Talking about how you can never come to the US because your husband smokes pot. OMG. Fuck off with that noise and just hop a plane and go to the US and stop holding that shit over people's heads. Do you purposely pick people from the US so you can't visit them? Is your husband using a keylogger on you or what? Something ain't right over there.

Smart & Resourceful

 The vitamin B12 seems to have been the TICKET.  Bruises faded fast, toe healing, brain feeling great, get this: my once always erect nipples have gone soft for the first time in ... like 20 or so  years ... ? All this time it was a B12 deficiency that plagued me? Holy cow. I even did 5 push ups. Have to go really slow & careful with recovering and then building muscle. they were not full push ups either but as good as my first attempt when trying to get into the military at the age of 32. I'm going to push myself to qualify for what would have been my 20th or so year in the military had I stayed. Pushups, situps, 2 mile run. That is my goal. Soon as it dips below 75 during the day! No way I can run or even walk fast in this shit. Even early morning has been muggy as fuck. Except this morning, I hear. Thinking it would be muggy, I slept until nearly 7 then stayed in bed another few hours reading. I did go outside to check the mail but it was beautiful. Not muggy... it was a perfectly dry hot day and felt so good. I can't remember a HOT summer's day feeling so good on my skin... and I said as much to the lady from the corner apartment... Lois. the one who loaned me the stamp... I said "Doesn't this summer remind you of how it used to be, back in the day when we were kids... and played outside in the sun and it never seemed so terribly hot like it is now... " and she said "I had to be out in the fields pulling cotton, when I was a kid". This woman is white. I did not know what to say to that. For some reason I said " I had to work on a horse ranch" but that sounds better for some reason. It might have seemed so as a kid, at the time. But the far reaching implications of it ... no one wants to have what I have as a result.

  I sat on my headphones and broke the left ear. They wouldn't sit tight on my head anymore. So without a second thought I got my elastic exercise band and wrapped it around my headphone ear cups, tied it at the back like an Apache. Problem solved. I'm a bloody thrifty fucking genius and will be very helpful in the post apocalyptic world. I do know a lot about survival. Not like that YouTube guy but more than your average Joe. And I say all that while remembering I do not have any weather-proof matches in my go bag. WTF Zed. You ordered a book on Marx before you ordered personal survival supplies. What kind of card -carrying commie are you. Idiot! So it's easy to make your own survival matches...

   Buy some strike-anywhere matches, dip the match in hot wax up to the middle of the matchstick. Put them all back in the box, put the box in a ziplock bag. Also have one of those striker thingys, it's good to have multiple ways. I have bic lighters. Not the best choice in the world. Better than nothing at all.

  In the coming weeks I will be sorting through my belongings and only taking the absolute necessities.  I will be probably making one box of mementoes and trying to find someone to hold on to them for me until I get settled. My rugby jerseys, my leather, my t-shirts. My boots. I refuse to get rid of my horse riding boots. Just in case. One never knows.

  I'll be saving up money.

Talked myself through it

 There was a bad moment last night; I had tried the cartridge and went one toke over the line, sweet jesus. I have never felt so all alone-- no mother, no father. No sister, no brother. No anyone except my lovely cousin in Scotland. Luke, you are my entire family now.

  I felt alone, and wondered why I should go on. Wondered what the point was. Imagined myself very old and very frail and hungry and covered in shit, as one does when one is poor and growing older.  Sentiment that my old punk friends that overdosed were the lucky ones. Graves, Preston.. you missed out on wondering if the entire world was going to starve and burn in your life time! Lucky devils.

  But I talked myself through it.  Knowing I found the perfect spot for me to heal in, having trusted the universe to grant me sanctuary! I leapt and the bridge appeared. Some say net but who wants to fall into a net? I say bridge. The bridge that appears like in that Indiana Jones movie. This is a good reminder, I told myself, that when the time comes, the bridge will also appear in Portland. Yes, yes it will. Saving of money is all that comes now. I will be my own hero, and land in Portland in time to go back to college, come hell or high water. I talked myself through this horrible panic attack last night and I can do it again. I do not need parents or siblings. I need friends. And I need friends that 'get it'. I will tell people straight up from now on. . . you want to be my friend? Great. Just promise to not bail if it gets shitty. Just come back in a while. And don't taunt me if you don't want me to fall in lust. Just don't. Because I do.

Dear Andy Ngo (or NO - GO as I like to call him)

 The Rolling Stone agrees with me. I think maybe it's not enough for everyone to agree with me because it's not like the world's most trusted journalist or anything but. They do have some weight. And they say the same thing I have been saying all along-- that you made this shit up. That you side with the FASCISTS and were inciting violence with your LIES and you are just a cunt like the PROUD BOYS and Prayer Saints or whatever the fuck they call themselves. Nationalists. what fucking idiot of a journalist sides with the fascists? You dumb fucking twat. You just borked yourself from ever getting any kind of real journalism award. Especially posthumously. Because you aligned yourself with the bad guys.

  Andy's CUM SHOT (there was no concrete, but there might have been jizz)

Killing Time

 Well another case of "Jesus Christ why can't I have THIS living situation only in Portland? "
  My roommate is chill as fuck. Never here, and when he is he's solid sleeping from working 14 hour days in the mud. I do his laundry and such happily. I just run around picking up his clothes and putting them in the washing machine. The machine takes like forever,  water saver.  But it's something I can do for him. I did cook some food: a big pot of chili and a pot of potatoes, making use of what was already here. He did like both! I was happy to hear. He's just working so hard... this guy. Must be about my age, or 60. Loves his job... no doubt because it's his world. I could see myself being this guy and being happy right up until my body gave up and I couldn't do it anymore. He's the born-male version of me had I stayed in Alabama from birth. The red clay mud on his shirts and in the fibers of his socks... it gets into your skin. Red neck... red ankles... red wrists. Red face, red everything. Orange, actually. It all turns a dull shade of orange. Roll fucking tide.

  Anyhow it's chill as fuck here. I have the place to myself all day and into the night. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is kind of fading. My sister is not coming home  this day. Or any day. I'll never see or hopefully hear from her again.  This is my struggle-- last night,

   Sitting here having tried (at his behest) this guy's vape pen and higher than god should allow, I felt the deepest longing for any human contact I've ever known. I felt completely alone, and felt as if it would behoove me to walk into the river with stones in my pockets like I felt when I was living with what's her name near 5 Points. That was horrid, more horrid than this current living situation. It wasn't the cockroaches, although I felt those to be horrible, it was the narcissism of the roommate. I can detect that shit now and it makes me depressed and such immediately upon finding it. It's like...

   It's like finding out someone you know and like is in the Republican party. It's a big huge red flag and it's going to always depress and horrify me. Like unzipping someone and finding snakes writhing about inside. I know now that my first impressions are spot - on and I need to follow those.
  Sammy was ... let's see. Sammy is probably not a narcissist but she's definitely a herd animal and afraid of actually going against the grain. I pegged her wrong, thought she was a rebel and did what she actually wants to but she doesn't. Because I know she felt the same way about me-- but then again, maybe she feels the same way about Ez. Maybe she's a serial monogamist when it comes to the friends she substitutes for her lover who is never there apparently. Whatever. I just think I should have bailed when I started feeling really hurt by her. I should have fucking bailed but I couldn't... because I was so needy.  and while I did not expect Sammy to hang out with me she did, and she seemed to want me to come seek HER out for some reason but when I said I could not it ... confused her ? I do not know what she was thinking because she doesn't tell me. So... fuck that. I need people who can tell me their innermost thoughts. Also tell me the truth.

  Like did Sammy tell me I was good looking just to assuage my ego? Or did she think I am? I will never know. I don't care right now because who gives a shit what she thinks now. But I am curious and always will be. Why show me pictures of your long tattooed legs stretched out on a hammock; or invite me to peruse all your pictures of you on all social media including you in your underwear... why show me these things freely, knowing how I feel... encouraging it even. Then when it happens that I got attached, it's BAIL OUT.  So obviously taunting and teasing then when it has the desired effect that person is bad. Well I don't give a fuck if your'e married,  those were some mixed signals. And while I have never cheated, and been with someone who was engaged only once and hate myself for it-- gotta say you knew what you were doing, Sam. Why do I have to pay for this forever? Fuck you.

  Where was I. Oh yes. Killing time. Waiting for the heat to dissipate... looks like its' going to hang in there for most of the month. Fucking fuck. I'm eager to get out and about but 'feels like' temps being around 101 degrees I'm like no, let's skip it. That's a bit much. It really is. I'm sucking on B12 and eating like crazy so my body is burning calories and that's making me hot anyway, no need to be out in it. God it's hot.  And oh lord....
   the pot this guy has. I think I'll stick with what I have. Those cartridges are fucking insane. I can see why people seem to be on harder drugs. Pure pot oil is like... say goodbye to doing anything other than watching the weather channel. Fuck. The establishment is missing a real bet here. You give people that shit once an hour and apparently they will work until the drop, happily, very happily. Dose people with this and they'll just mindlessly move rocks in the mud all day in 100 degrees. fuck.

Nano Wrimo is coming

 I have all the time in the world to finally try and complete Nano Wrimo -- if I can just get some discipline going here. I mean, I'm placing B12 lozenges under my tongue like 3x a day now. I feel better. I do. I feel nearly coalesced into something solid and human.

  The heat is making it pretty difficult to assess my physical situation as it's just too hot to do anything strenuous. Walking one mile a day is about it until the weather breaks. It's just too much. The parking lot is blacktop too, makes it so much hotter in the immediate area outside the apartment. I'd be out in the parking lot right now making some stencils or something but good lord it has to wait. I have looked into fishing, magnet fishing etc along the creek. The creek is a mile away, a nice jaunt. Soon as the weather permits I'll be magnet fishing. To fish for live fish I have to have  a license! OR an Alabama ID. I do not want to get an Alabama ID. I prefer my Arizona ID which doesn't expire until 2027. Ha! Imagine. I have 7 years before I have to fucking worry about going to the DMV again. Why would I trade that for a state ID ? NOT GOING TO.

   the next door neighbor... I lost all hope already. Thought it might be fun to have an older, supposedly wiser lesbian living next to me but she's a fucking carbon copy of all the others. Sure I'll give her a chance to redeem herself but it's going to be hard after this morning. I was cleaning out the back shed. There's all kinds of her wood in there from her remodel and she's pretty concerned over it. I was lifting a piece up to examine the nails sticking out of it and she came right up to me and put her damn hands on it and started twisting it, while I had my hands on it.  A nail pushed into my bare foot. I asked her to stop and she could not comprehend what I was saying. "PLease stop twisting the board! there's a nail in my foot!" did NOT register. she kept at it. I screwed my face up and took the pain and was glad when she stepped away from me. I don't like being that close to strangers and certainly not people who smoke Pall Malls and own Maltese named Norma Jean (jesus christ can we be any more cliche than naming our stupid pure breed dog after Marilyn Monroe)? I don't like her, she looks like and even sounds like my ex Diane. With the perfect car, the perfect clothes, and the nasty messy brain. No thank you. And stop smoking outside my bedroom window, that's going to stop. Toot fucking sweet. I ain't your typical nice dyke. I'm a trans man, and I stand up for myself and I don't like inhaling your ciggie smoke you coughing shithead. haha! Made a neighbor into an enemy and she doesn't even know it.

  I know my proclivity to vilify people before I get to know them. I'm not going to do that this time. I'm going to forgive her and have patience with her. She sent her dog over to me to get to know me and she sent her nephew over too. I'm going to give him the Iron Man toy I found in the dumpster at my sister's.  It is a good solid toy with no removable parts and it's really well built. I think he can have a lot of fun with it in the yard. I can put it on the little play lawnmower. I have to ask her first if Iron Man is ok to give though. What if they don't subscribe to super hero movies. I don't know. I really want to get out and about but this heat! Oh god it's brutal. I was loving this summer until this week. It's SEPTEMBER for fucks sake. Anyhow this area is WILD just a few yards past any cleared plot of land. There are tangled wild areas of brush... one could ostensibly make a nice fort in the woods and doubt it would be discovered until they developed it. Might be time for me to make a new fort like when I was kid and have my own place to meditate away from the entire civilized world. Take my knife, take a hatchet. Build a fort.

 heh. At 57, learning how to be a human for the first time. Welcome to my childhood, which was stolen from me at approximately 7 when Ev walked into my bedroom shaking his dick at my face and forcing me to do things. Time to stand up to men, stand up to evil. All across the board.

Yeah it WAS actually all my fault

There was that time earlier in the year when I had been playing with Sammy every day almost and then she stopped and went to play the other game mode. That is the moment I felt BAD, and hurt. That is the moment I knew something was very wrong. That is the moment I should have left. I should have left the discord THEN. Quietly.

  Instead I burned down so many bridges and now they all speak of my badly when and if they ever do. They managed to cut me out surgically because I spoke the truth to them. This is what narcissists do. They use someone like me to find each other then they pile it on and cut me out. I'm like a magnet. Its so fucked.

What a morning!

Internet was out, roommate didn't pay the bill. I panicked but he called me and asked me to pay it, he'll give me cash when he gets home. I hope he does. If not I'm taking it off next months' rent. It was 250 bucks.
  I feel pretty good today. went and mailed my letter, had a little walk, now resting, got banned from Facebook for a week for a post I made. Made a new account. Will not add so many people to this one. Will pick and choose only select few leftists.
  The apartment is shaping up. I will leave here asap but want to leave it 10x nicer than when I arrived, as I usually try to do. Except at my sister's where I left some boxes and a bed for her to deal with. Fuck her.
 I made breakfast-- need to buy some bacon though. Eggs & toast, the jam was exquisite. Thank you Aldi's for the really good blackberry jam. I needed that with my Irish Butter. Too bad it wasn't a scone but white toast is ok for now. I should attempt to make scones.
 Gotta get a chair for sitting outside. I can't bring myself to ask the weird dyke  next door if I can use one of hers. She seems awful fucking JUDGY!

Out with the old and in with the ... old?

  Totally set K free today. I feel ambivalent about it. I felt worse letting Sammy go. What does that say about my relationship with K!? It says it was often tense, often strained, often one sided. How many times did I kiss her ass and tell her how wonderful she was, and how she's my bff etc, only to get NOTHING in return. Why did I-- why.  Look, K,  I took it as far as I could. My shedding of people is necessary for me to make room for new folk. I'm glad you're politically active, however that must look in your weird paranoid world. But to have to encrypt every e-mail I send just because it mentions Antifa; like the NSA doesn't already have my address, phone number and if they take me down they'll come question you no doubt. But you ain't done shit. Or have you?

  I just got banned from Facebook for 7 days. Someone reported my video that showed 200,000 American Nazis gathering at Madison Square Garden back during World War 2.  Because the screenshot has a swastika on it. Some democrat reported me.  Now, tell me I'm wrong about liberals. The women in my super secret sub-reddit shitting all over me for my politics. I had the fear of god coming out as trans in there and what is the issue that actually takes me down: politics. Like, you idiots, what good trans person would NOT be a lefty right now? Der.

  And so B. and I have been getting along well via message and email , she's been smothering me with concern. Then M. and I had a lovely conversation on the PHONE of all things, for a good hour at least. And we talked Communism, Marx, Socialism, Unions, etc. and not once did either of us become paranoid. We came to the conclusion that K.'s company must be hella scary to work for if all political comms between us needed to be encrypted. That got old.  I set her free. I am totally out in the world alone right now and it feels refreshing. I have a few anchors, a few people to keep me sane via phone/email. Otherwise, I am free-floating.  Just need to get to Portland before school starts. I got this.
**********
Made new gaymer friends; I feel like this purge is going nicely. I need new friends, woke friends, revolutionary friends. I got me two today! This is great. I want to retool my life.

Difficulty

Mainly I'm concerned over K not answering me. One thing for people like S to ditch me but K?

 S is like, man she's just wanting some in-game relationship to fill her void and I fit the bill until I didn't then E came along and well, that's perfect , the two don't need to talk about anything uncomfortable. Fuck the pussies. They're both pussies so fuck them both. Fuck that noise. I'm glad to be free.

*********
 I got to think about it lately. There was a definite back and forth, it was a relationship, she felt trapped, left me hanging, I got upset, it added to my already declining mental state, I fucked up by not paying attention to the first red flags, and so here I am missing someone I don't even really like when I think about how flip floppy they are and how hurtful in the end.

 Fucking conservative centrists and namby pamby non-involved capitalist consumerist fucks.

   I woke up angry about this. S & E deserve each other. Lazy, scared little rabbits, stuck in their hidey-holes, only doing what they think will be perceived as ok by their controlling husbands. Making it look like everything is ok when it's not. Living out their fantasy lives in a game. Getting what they do not get from their  husbands, from each other, and I fell for it for a time... yeah I totally thought S was intelligent as hell and capable of understanding but she ain't shit. Feeling like I got duped. Mad. Because I'm the bad guy and I gave her the perfect out by losing my shit over the relationship. E was waiting in the wings for me to bail. And she was no doubt happy as fuck when I turned people against me. Jumped right into the void and never looked back. these people are predictable, stupid and sheeplike. I'm done with these types.

 Watch them sit comfortably in their lavish homes eating bon bons and enjoying the latest music videos while someone they previously purported to love goes without friendship, love or support -- this is fucked. Fuck these people. Of course I'm upset. Because of their fake ass shit. They get to sit back and say "Zed's crazy, of course we were right to cut ties" when in fact, they are scared, white bread fucking selfish twats. Fuck those people. They are actually the problem.
 
 And fuck me for thinking they are smart, and kind, when they are actually just trying to make themselves look good and get in a clique where they are the exulted one, and anything that upsets their world gets booted. Fuck them. Fuck you S and fuck you E.

The FINAL DIAGNOSIS!

 ... malnutrition. To be perfectly honest, I thought that my feelings for S. is what started the whole not eating thing. I did think that. Because I was not eating about that time and dropping weight even then. From the point where I started dropping weight , going back to calculate as best I can, I have been losing about 3-5 pounds per week. And not noticing because I kept wearing the same baggy clothing every day. Then one day for no reason at all I tried on a pair of pants from my past. And they were baggy. And I nearly fainted-- surely I must have cancer, I thought.

  The decision to move must have exacerbated my condition. Already weak and confused from lack of nutrition, the anxiety and stress of the impending move and my sister's increasing OCD and narcissism ... and I'm the only one who could SEE THAT SHIT,  literally NO ONE ELSE ever sees it. To the rest of the world I am an asshole who hides in their room and only comes out now and then to slap their sister.

 Fuck I'm having hot flashes again. But that means I'm getting better. I was cold as fuck for a while. I drank like 6 protein shakes earlier, ate half a fish sandwich and some fries. It's so odd. The smell of the food-- I love BK, I used to work there. Never got sick of the fish sandwich. Haven't had one for ages and ages. Smelled it, bit into it, regretted it. No taste, and soon as it is in my mouth I want to spit it out. It's an involuntary response! What kind of sick ass god makes it so a malnourished person doesn't want to eat? Is that to cull the herd better? I was starving in my own bedroom with food just feet away.  I thought I had a crush so big it made me not want to eat. Then i thought I had diabetes/blood clot. I thought I had a brain tumor.

  I was just not nourished. This fucking takes the fucking cake. Jesus Christ. Now I've been sitting here playing Fallout 76 for hours and sometimes forgetting where I am, which is nice. There's so much to do here. Endless hours of cleaning. Neighbors to meet (they're all quite friendly), Aldi to explore.

  I'd been looking forward to meeting the next door neighbor because Mike said she was just like me only taller. I thought, oo you never know (hope springs eternal)... it's funny too when he said she was tall I imagined my ex Diane. And when I met my next door neighbor I was kind of stunned by how much she looks like Diane, and that is not a good thing.

  Went out the back door to clean up the garden this morning and looked and saw her sitting there on her side... and she sort of aggressively said "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"  as I cleaned up Mike's side. (My side. Our side). (Why you would question anyone who was doing cleaning , I'll never know).

  She asked me what my name was and couldn't wrap her mind around it. It's not the first time -- this happens a LOT. I tell them "ZED" and they tilt their head like a dog hearing a high pitched noise and say " how do you say that?" and "What kind of name is that?" These people have never heard the word ZED. Not in a video game, or in a movie, or heard a Brit recite the alphabet in its entirety. That right there told me that me and nextie aren't going to be fast friends.

It is done.

I'm going to have to order a lapboard ... no room in here for a desk or anything. But I got my computer set up, and I think I will play some Fallout 76, to settle my nerves.

  I told Mikey I'd pay him 400 today, the balance of the rent after the deposit. Minus the ... 15 for gas, ok so. I walked to ALDI which is like 1/20 of a mile away and I thought I was going to fall down. I have not been this tired since boot camp at Fort Leonard Wood. Every fiber of my poor being is shredded. Even my back hurts. I have done no physical labor in 4 years. I'm nothing but skin and bone now with just some old flab and old muscle flapping and wow it's hard out here like that. But struggling up the hill there, that tiny hill-- I remembered Chicago; and living in Pilsen. Hoo boy I was not ready then. Now I'd be in hog heaven...  but I was so terrified of being in Pilsen and walking to the trains. Daily of a morning I'd be chugging through the wind or rain trying to get to the train praying no one would kill me outright. How ridiculous.

   Well if Mike wants the rest he can tote me over to Walmart. Good god I think I'll be getting an accent before I leave here. I really really wish I was in Portland but now I know one fact: I'd have died if I had tried to move these boxes and all in the Portland heat, down from K's garage loft. I'd have not been able to. I'd be laying out right now just given up. Good thing I did not go try to punch a nazi before I got back into shape.

  The Greenway is right down the road and there's a bike path that goes all the way to the river. Now, I have absolutely ZERO excuses to NOT FISH. Haha, at last, something to do. I'm going to get myself in shape enough to ride the bike to the river and fish. While saving up for a place in Portland.

  I had 2000 dollars earlier today. I now have half that. Between my sister asking for 200 more and the moving guy and getting a new phone plan and Uber and paying this place it's going fast as fuck. If it wasn't for M I'd be going hungry for a long while.
  Sure wish I was better organized at packing , now I can't find anything. I need to trim my fingernails badly. And-- wow, how odd it is to fit every single thing you own into one room. 

Real Talk

  Ok so the new place is really isolated from anything like Bus or Sidewalks but it's got Walmart and Aldi and Burger King so I won't die. There's a bike trail very close and so I need a bike pump, for certain. And a helmet. And a lock. Oh fuck there's a hundred bucks right there guess I'll just go with the pump for the first purchase.

  I'm weak as can be. I did not sleep last night, the heat has come of course, when it has been so cool lately now of course on this day the heat is unbearable. I stink of sweat and fear. Fear of leaving the prison I made for myself. I must never ever bow to another narcissist. I must never ever allow myself to be controlled by another human. I'm too fucking crazy for that shit. I do not fit in any pigeonholes.  God I wish I could eat something WHERE ARE MY TASTE BUDS AND WILL THEY COME BACK? Why did you have to take my taste buds?

Fuck it costs a lot to be poor

 Yeah whew I'll just be 5 miles from where I have been living but Uber is going to be much higher from that location. Sucks. Whatever. I'll be fully out tomorrow. I had a HELL of a time moving my stuff today. Mikey seems to be on some kind of drug. I gave him a deposit for the room and then he was suddenly barely able to talk and fell asleep the moment he got home and hit the couch. Yep, something going on . But he's really nice, so. I just need to fucking get my head clear of this sister thing for a bit of time. I am struggling so hard right now. No help from any side. My sister won't even hold the door open for me. I broke my toe today, just walking in my room. I am debating going to the clinic tomorrow to get it splinted.

   It's a decent enough room. I mean, it's about like a motel 6. I get the run of the place, wifi. It's serviceable. Walking (spitting) distance of ALDI's. So, food. Also, Burger King. I could use a fucking Whopper Jr. about now, holy fuck. My pants are falling off, the belt is too small. Well, for the type of pants. I mean, the belt is a waist belt and these are hip hugger pants. So I have to pull them way up and look like a HAYSEED. I love it. It's all good.

  Saying goodbye to the cat today and tonight and tomorrow morning. Just hanging with her, chilling and such. Earlier I had some pizza and I've taken to putting a lot of hot sauce and pepper on my pizza - otherwise I cannot taste it. I can barely taste the hotsauce... in face, forgot I had put it on the pizza when I gave the cat a tiny taste of the sauce (she likes it!) and the poor thing sneezed her head off for 5 minutes. I still feel bad. But I did laugh quite a bit. Poor Bonnie. I'm going to miss that cat terribly. I can't even talk about it. she's been my only friend in this place.

  The new place is weird, just a little shitty apartment in a bunch of apartments that are called condos-- they are not the nicest let me just say. I'm happy to have the opportunity to clean it up for this guy, he's taking me in without a lease. I was in my new room today vacuuming and looked down at the back 'garden' area (tiny bit of area with a table to have coffee at -- I 'll enjoy that) and saw a child pushing a toy truck back and forth. Looks like the single lady next door has a kid, kids love the shit out of me, oh god do they. Because I am one I reckon. Anyhow, I looked down there and saw trash and stuff where this kid is playing and thought to myself, here's my project, clean that up and make it LOVELY for a KID. There ya go, there's your praxis for right the fuck now. Make it so that when that mom comes home from work and her kid goes outside, it's all pristine and smells good and the kid is safe. Thinking about that makes me happy. 

  Last night here. Last night in prison. Damn narcissists put me in prison. I even think my ex was somewhat of a narcissist. I do. Cuz for the 2 weeks she's been in absentia I've felt much better about things.

Can't stay too long

 new roommate smokes in the apartment. Well, I figured he didn't because first thing he told me was: You aren't supposed to smoke in the apartment. I should have paid attention to the wording haha. BUT, I have a bedroom door that I am going to put a lock on immediately AND I can keep the windows open. I'm only here to sort my life out as far as moving.

  There's a nice big bed for me to use... yay. Cable. Internet. Kitchen is clean, bathroom is clean, he's a redneck with half a brain but he's nice and he's clean. Poor dude is on meds of some kind but doesn't party. I think he's on a med that won't allow him to and that's good unless he goes off it. I'll have a lock. I trust him so far.

  The location is good for peace of mind: bike trail right there, Walmart (gonna have to shop at Walmart!), LOWES. Thank god because I have to buy a locking door knob (in case he finds another renter).

 I think it will be ok. I can't wait to meet the next door neighbor. He says she's a 'tall lanky woman who is just like you' .... yeah. Sounds like a tomboy to me. He says she is remodeling her kitchen. HHhhmmm she might need some help! Hopefully she is intelligent? I could use a smart friend to have coffee with of a morning...

New Digs

 Just down the street a bit is a nice group of apartments that are called CONDOS, nestled in some nice trees to obscure the Walmart and gas station nearby. With a tiny back garden and lovely residential streets nearby, I may be able to feel far enough away from my sister to breathe for the first time in 4 years.

  There is internet, a kitchen and my own room. I have a bathroom. I have plenty to do (it needs some cleaning). This guy is really nice, and I hope it works out until I can bolt from this town.

  Meanwhile,  I just ordered a new sim for my phone. I am spending my last hours with the cat, under constant high stress as my sister sits reading the paper in the next room.

  My weight is at 120 now. I am losing 5 pounds or so per week. It is my distinct hope that moving out of here will bring my taste buds back; otherwise I am going to have to find a spice that I can taste. Food is tasting like cardboard right now and I miss Sammy like hell and I just want this all to be over.  I'm under so much constant stress and scrutiny and I'm so volatile and ancy and fuck~!

  Soon. It will be over soon. I have the keys to the new place.

SLAVES, every one of us

This country runs on slave labor. We are almost ALL slaves. I say almost because there are a few who live off the grid entirely but they are hard to count haha. But we're mostly all slaves. You're a slave. Just probably a better paid one than I will be when they take me to prison for being trans or gay or not paying my student loans back or ... protesting...

It's raining!

  We had this super cell of heat for a few days but now it's raining and looks so lush out I'll be adding a picture soon. I'm saying goodbye to the kitty by just watching her and trying to provide a calm peaceful last day with her.  I will miss this cat but not the constant frustration of how she only gives me a tiny percent of her love... when she feels it is safe to do so. Right now I need full on full frontal blast of love and this cat is not up to the task, she was abused and is broken to the point of never going to sit in anyone's lap. Although the last time I came back from being away for a month, she laid on my chest for 3 nights. I wish she had not done that as it drives home how she is going to miss me. I would be ok leaving if she was not going to miss me terribly, and if my sister was not going to refuse the cat the place in the window I made for it, just to spite me. 

  HOW TO KILL A NARCISSIST I'll be ordering this book toot sweet. You bet.

I have to move into a hotel asap. I would rather not but I have to. I can't really think living under this roof. 

Put aside the self for the greater good-- saving the planet

It occurs to me that if we are going to 'win'-- that is, save the earth, we are going to have to take the same mindset as soldiers. By that I mean, we are going to have to relinquish the sense that we are precious individually, and begin to act as an organism. What makes ME so special that I am afraid to go punch a nazi in the face for real? What makes me so special that I am afraid to be hurt when I lay down in front of a TANK? I get it now. The way I felt in the military, when I was ready to do unspeakable things, as an organism, I must channel that same feeling now. To head into battle, as it is nothing short of a battle. I risk jail, prison, or worse, just by labeling myself ANITIFA and TRANS. I do this not to be a hero but to shine a light for anyone out there who feels the same way and is alone with those feelings. I am me, I will always be different, but I am part of something bigger than me now. A collective consciousness is growing again. We MUST begin to reach out to our fellow humans. Be honest with one another. Bare some feelings. Make some bonds, we are going to bloody well need them, badly. Do something bold. School some racists. Start a union. I'm reaching out, trying to make some really close lefty friends. You want in, PM me your email. Be well, be safe, be left. LOVE, ZED

Red and Black. OR, what they fear more than the word ANTIFA

BLARGH the STRESS

 Guess I left my local ad up because some dude just emailed me about a house he's got in NW H'ville. Internet, AC and within biking distance to the bus stop. Provided I could get him to not make me sign a lease I could see wintering here while I get my shit together, but if this doesn't pan out, I am definitely on the road to I don't know where.

   With Trump rolling back protections for glbtqi, I might have to stop wearing the binder and show the girls off more, which is going to demean me further. Trying to get my ex in NYC to fucking say yes or no to a visit. She's got so many people visiting her all the time and she didn't  mention she was a travel destination until I asked if I could really visit then she's like "OH well let's see I have people coming all of Sept. and October, and then the high Jewish Holidays, etc etc " and I'm like "So. When you say 'Mi casa is su casa" you mean ... at some possible date in the future but not right now? Or, can you shoehorn in a desperate person who really just needs your advice and counsel? We'll see. I'm quickly running out of options. If I hadn't totally fucked up my hair I'd be in a better position to look around. It's also hot as FUCK for some reason after not being hot for so long, it's literally so crazy hot out right now it's debilitating. Was going to walk down to Tuesday Morning to get some new readers but fuck I'll wait until the sun goes down.

  M. has sent me 500 dollars via PayPal. She wants to help. She insists. So I'll be off to a room at a hotel by Monday looks like. I'll need to: Uber to LOWE's, rent a truck, get my boxes to the hotel, take the truck back, Uber back to the hotel ....

  and then what. I am currently terrified. What am I going to do all day? I'm free. What does a newly freed prisoner do all day? I'm batshit terrified.  Where do I go? Other than a hotel. Oh lord I'm afraid. And I have never felt so alone. I just wish I was in a different city. This one sucks so bad, it's not even funny.
  Wait, I got some information today that might re-shape my thoughts on moving. In Portland there is an organization that helps trans people do all the things, including find housing. Like I could legit land there, find a hostel for the night, go talk to them and hit the Q Center. It might be time for me to re-enter the world, sans girlfriend or family and go out there alone. I've never done it before, and I'm terrified. TERRIFIED.

I cannot talk to narcissists.

 I must stay away from all narcissists from now on.

  So it looks like I am 'sacrificial self'.  Certainly I must have some narcissistic tendencies. We've talked about how I learned how to do things from narcissists. However the fact that I am questioning this possibility in my own mind means I am not a narcissist.  I do however have absolutely no sense of self or agency.

  https://www.thehartcentre.com.au/what-is-narcissism-and-what-is-narcissistic-behaviour/?fbclid=IwAR2knGVDRxpu7-owUYpwt2f6AbuLY-2-ngIozP-iH-oZKuvnvy2kQfWh1g8

  I bend to people who send up red flags for me, and I kowtow to them -- bow and scrape, because I want their approval, or their love, or something. This is going to have to be the next big thing I work on soon as I get out of this situation. I am beginning to think that Karen has some NPD, but not fully -- just enough though to worry me about staying friends. I have to be REALLY careful from now on. Otherwise I may lose all sense of self I garner from here on out. I like to communicate, it's my favorite thing, I like to talk things out until they are settled. And if that is not going to happen, I will not get along with someone. I should know that. A real solid relationship will never be one sided as it can be with narcissists. Can be, hell. Always is. When you sit around wondering what the hell they are thinking... just stop. Because they are only thinking about how to manipulate someone for their own gains. Fuck narcs. How did I end up with 2-- count 'em, 2 in my family?  I don't usually do the woe is me thing but fuck me that's rough.  And of course these people tend to glom onto people like me who can be easily bent to their will.

  Just to keep the peace I'd shut my mouth and take the abuse. And lose my own sense of agency, not that I have much to begin with. I'm fine one moment, tooling along minding my own business when they come along and BOOM I'm like...  hooked, or imprisoned or both ... like with Karen. To know her now is to wonder how the fuck we ever hooked up. And while I am sure she is asking herself the same question... it's not fair for her to think of herself as superior to me as she does. It takes two to tango. It bothers me endlessly when one person never admits their wrongdoings and expects the other to do all the apologizing. I'm about to say fuck that noise to everyone who is like this in my life. If I say I am sorry to you for all the things I did, and I even admit to them and list them and work on them and shit, and you don't admit a fucking one thing you did, then fuck you.

SANER HEADS

 My brain farted and I missed my ride for therapy but was able to have a phone convo so that's cool. My therapist says she is almost glad I didn't actually make it to her office because she is dressed as Tallulah Bankhead for the cemetary walk. I should go sneak up on her in the graveyard. Yes I am going to do that.

  Just talking to a sane person makes all the difference. I need people to talk to on the phone she says. Texting is not going to help me right now, I need sane convos she says. I think so too. So I will be asking my friends if they can spare a few minutes a week for a bit. Karen is answering my protonmail emails but not my gmail emails haha. So we can talk about revolution stuff but nothing else for now. Bea is pretty busy with her mom. I think if I want to meet Bea's mom before she kicks it I better head up. I'm going to ask her tomorrow if we can firm up deets. And get her address so I can check it out on google maps.

  Trying to see myself in NYC right now. There sure would be a lot of leftists to connect with. Finding them though. I should ask reddit what is going on in that area so I can network while there. Maybe I can even baby sit mom while Bea goes on a date with her paramour. They haven't done the deed yet... I have just asked her if it was ok to come very soon. She is awaiting a reply from a friend who is visiting in September. There are many Jewish Holidays coming up and I can't be there for that but there may be a window here in the next couple of weeks.

  speaking of deed. My anonymous random sexting buddy flaked off. It was fun while it lasted. I simply can't believe that happens in real life but I'd glad it does. 4 years without hugs and love, can really mess with a person. A bit of intense concentrated sexual texting can really be a nice diversion from the politics and the insanity of the narcissist with OCD shit I've been dealing with. And I had no idea how bad her OCD is because all these years she's kept it under control sort of but this time it's off the charts. She's focused on me like a dog with a bone.

  Meh. Can't wait to go no contact. Although my FB spy will surely alert her to my every move. Good. Can't wait to post about how happy I am being FREE.

Trans suffering

It's all in my head!

 So I saw my doctor today. This is a nice guy, a younger fellow, kind. Immediately upon him sitting down to talk to me I feel better. After dealing with my sister only for days, it was so nice to sit with a professional and have a little chat.

  He says my thyroid is doing so good I'll be off the levothyroxine in no time. I did not think I'd be BEATING hypothyroidism. But I am. So all the symptoms were my body dealing with the stress and not having an exit plan etc. My doctor says "Get yourself to Oregon, it's your best bet for getting on T and having the rest done." He proceeds to tell me that he has 3 patients that are wanting to get to Oregon right now. For the same reasons. But they are stuck. I am not stuck. I am going to go. He is only worried about me not having a place to live. I said Doc, you just told me I'm healthy as hell, I'll be ok. As long as it's not winter, and it won't get that cold at night for a couple of months, I'll be fine. I have a sister I never met in California, I could always go visit her for a minute too. I have options. He's only worried about me being homeless, but the rest of our convo he seems to agree that I have thought things out about the transition, he won't give me T now because of all the complications and he'd not be there to see it through. My doc in Oregon is on board since 5 years ago so... this doc thinks I have a good head on my shoulders for it. Soon as I started talking to a normal, educated, intelligent person, I calmed right down and felt quite good and normal. Then I got in the Uber to get home and the guy told me he has a ride service that operates outside and independently of Uber. He drives for Lyft/Uber solely to get clients for the ride service! I took his card. I can't afford 600 to go to Atlanta but I can afford 100 to go to the next city. So there's that.

  He said someone hired him to go with them to Birmingham and stay with them all weekend. NICE.  I'm jealous. I said I wanted to join haha. That there would be a good job for me. I could do that work.

  I could go back to work ! Wow. I Hadn't thought of that in some time but it's true, I can. If I could find a job that didn't try to kill me, let me have some freedom like driving around, I could do it. I could work again.

  Huh. That's kind of cool.

Funny

 I have a need for something to make me laugh uncontrollably. I am going to make a page of funny videos to look at when I am really panicking. Seems to work pretty good and bring back good memories.

Sole Survivor has a stroke -- OR, when the Psycho Jet kicks in


The Humans are dead -- OR, the new Fallout 4 RICK ROLL

People see the thing that they do and they accuse you of it-- because that's all they see through their guilt? or something

  Like, if I am a liar, an accomplished one, I'd pick up on other's lies quite easily, since I knew the tricks.  I mean, we all lie. But some are so good at it they don't even know they are lying anymore... but they are REALLY good at accusing others of lying, to throw onlookers off to the fact of the matter that the real liar is doing the accusing.   This goes for any behavior. And you can use a simpler example to illustrate:

  Say I was (am) a highly trained equestrian. I might notice some gestures or clothing items (lapel pins even) that might denote  another of my ilk. I'd most certainly mention that I used to show hunters over fences. NOW, that's not a lie, and I am not going to go into the fact that Paper Doll was a murderous cunt of a pony that tried to throw me into the jumps every time. But I did know what I was doing. I just couldn't pick the pony up and make it fly over the rails. So I can talk hunter over fences. I don't need to go into the fact that it was all shit for me. My point being, I can spot another rider. Just as I can spot another trans man. A liar can spot a liar... and a liar looks for certain 'scenarios' that they themselves could manipulate, and realizing the situation could be manipulated, assumes YOU are going to be the one trying whatever it was they thought of. So they head you off at the pass and accuse you of what THEY would do in the situation. And it's gaslighting isn't it? Isn't that gaslighting?   It keeps me unstable.  I begin to question everything I said. I begin to wonder and I begin to doubt and now I'm in full shame for having my head injuries and what if I really am a piece of shit? And off to my room I go to sit and play video games or type on my stupid fucking idiotic blog.  The video games are not cutting it at the moment. I want to be reading. But my vision is still fucked. I think I'm not getting enough protein. Fuck, I'm just flat out not eating. I lost 3 pounds in the past 8 days. My pants are falling off. I can't afford new pants so; I should eat but I can't taste anything.  Oh god I'm so hungry but nothing tastes. And this is all in my head, w00000t this is fucking fantastic. I can't wait to read this fucking bullshit saga from the other goddamn side, hopefully somewhere settled and warm and dry and with someone who loves me. That would be totally rad but until then, we keep writing this piecemeal shit just to keep sane, keep the ideas flowing, we'll have to pick through all of this for the book. The book has been rewritten 2x and now I'm thinking a 3rd. I NEVER finish any fucking thing I do (that's a lie, I finish about half of the things I start) so it's going to be refreshing to write a 3rd book after tossing the first two in the stupid bin.  I do not do any motherfucking thing according to any kind of standard, I reinvent the fucking wheel every time I get in a car. It's a goddamn CURSE.

  It's the same with other things. Like if I am a liar, and hear someone lying, I get to call them out on it knowing full well they are lying because they are using my tactic. (I have lived with 2 narcissists in my life, and enablers and golden children. Learned how to lie AND steal from the BEST, let me tell you. But now, trying to catch lies before they form, I'd like to say I am exorcising that part of my life.  A lifelong learned behavior is a HARD habit to break let me just say.)

  If a person was an emotionally abusive sibling who reveled in having control over just one disenfranchised person, they are going to call out everything I do that is manipulative, even when it is just me trying to get something I need from her. I might try every avenue and every venue trying to get what I need but that looks like wheedling and manipulation and so I am called out and retreat. And stop asking for what I need. I ask for so little now. I ask for nothing but my food. I can't get my food stamps card. Not without involving the government. She just has to hold on to that one little thing.

  But if I post about that I get the card thrown in my face and told that I need to stop spreading my lies on Facebook. If I hadn't posted on Facebook and if the spy in my friends list hadn't told my sister what I was posting, I'd not have gotten my groceries this week. So double edged sword I guess.

  All I know is that I have no one to talk to in depth about any of this so I write. It's all I can do, just talk to myself. My therapist is going to be so full of shit and I still go. Because therapy good right? ugh not really. Not this one.

  I see my doctor today and hoo boy that's going to be emotional. Far as he knows I've just had a stressful time lately due to my thyroid. He has no idea what baggage is going to follow me in there today and I'm willing to bet I start crying when I tell him about how I've been living since I told her I was leaving.  I tell him how narcissistic she is and he nods and yet he's her doctor. I wonder if he believes me. My sister manipulates the assistant to tell her what's in my file too. I could get them all in trouble. My sister is the master manipulator. I know, we both learned from  mother. The difference is I know what it is and I want to cut it out of me. My sister refuses to believe it's in her. She's a complete and utter facade, a lie, a robot who goes on auxiliary power when there's no man around to impress. I told her she was basically married to our brother yesterday and that's the weird thing with narcissists...

  they never get upset at the OUTRAGEOUS but TRUE statements. Like, I say "You and Donnie are a married couple!" and "All you care about is men who can help you fix your car or computer cheaply"  ... that ought to send someone into a RAGE but it just slides by. That's what is deeply disturbing to me. What I get all the flak for is the stupid shit that comes out when I'm enraged and backed into a corner. Her favorite place to put me since it shows me becoming unhinged and unbalanced. And then she can point to how I acted, leaving out her spitting wild tearing-doors-off-hinges shit. Just exactly like mother. And then to tell me I am exactly like mother while I am telling her she is, and that's just the stupidest exchange in the history of fights.

I can't communicate

  It's gotta be me. I mean, doesn't it have to be me, if everyone is mad at me, and distancing themselves, yes, it's me then. Ok, how can I get across what is going on in my head?

  My sister is a narcissist and the effects of her personality (if you can call it that) on my psyche are far-reaching when you consider decades of programming.  I literally get paralyzed around her, and to break the paralysis it takes a LOT of fortitude and I am reaching deep for that shit right now.  I have to go over the top -- way over-- angry to the point of spouting actual nonsense right up in her face. I say the most idiotic and made up crap.  If it was anyone else I'd assume they too were just mad and making up dumb shit to say in anger but this one, this one definitely believes what she's saying.  I DO mean it however when I call her a full blown narcissist and tell her that she is going to die alone surrounded by all her precious knick knacks... just like our mother is going to do and just like her mother before her and her mother before her.  Old crones all that rotted away in obscurity left to die by their families. And now we know why.  That is not going to be me. Many is the time I have imagined it, the slow drop from a tall building or the long walk into the sea. That's quite the risky gamble however,

  ... trying to grow old as long as you can without passing over that line where they park you in a nursing home and you have lost your personal freedom and are now governed by others. How would I end it then? I'd have to end it before that happened. But, no matter how or when it happens, it won't be me in a bed surrounded by junk and a couple of offspring hoping you actually stowed a bit of money away somewhere and are going to leave it to them. Ho! naw, I'll be hopefully found curled up in a ball in the snow in Alaska (If there's any snow left by then) having just walked out into a blizzard naked to die like a free human.  No undertaker or oven for me thank you. Let my bones and bits feed the bears and may my bear-host be nourished mightily. But please, do not let the bear start to eat me before I am dead. That is what I hope for.  One cannot speak for the bear.

  ***********
What I would like to know, and what I suppose my stupid therapist will not be able to figure out this decade, is why I am SO paralyzed by my sister's presence. At my age, with the experiences I have had (rugby, military, cowboi, et cetera), I'd not be afraid of a middle aged sister that is shorter than me and out of shape (more so than me!).  Others see her as the most generous, sweetest stage manager, or the kindest, most caring caregiver.  They do not see the vitriol that spews forth when ever we get into the past. Which is, of course, OK for HER to bring up, but if I do it, not relevant, move on. I cannot win, gave up on winning and now don't even know what game it is. Now, I'm just trying to keep my piece on the board, and she keeps setting it back even if it's not her turn.

  My sister erases all traces of me the moment I have passed through a room. 

At first I thought this was her OCD or anal retentive or whatever it is called; I'd joke about how I'd fuck with her by moving a knick knack slightly-- she'd immediately arise and move it back to it's normal position the moment she spotted the error. But as the years wore on I began to realize that she was erasing all traces of me the moment I'd passed through any given room. IF I had washed dishes and put them in the sink drainer, she re-arranges them. IF I have left a pan on the stove top to soak a bit and cool off while I eat, she moves it. Into the sink, or if it was in the sink, she puts it on the stove top. IF I move the blinds up, she puts them down a bit. If I put the vacuum cleaner away, she goes and puts it away properly. If I set something down in any room but my room, it gets put in my bathroom (which she refuses to call "MY" bathroom and insists on calling the GUEST bathroom. I'm not allowed to pick my own towels or put up a whimsical shower curtain) for me to put away in my room.  No trace of me to be found out in the rest of the apartment, with the exception of one picture of me on the fridge, with grandmother. NOT one picture of me as an adult on the fridge and come to think of it, NOT ONE picture on the fridge of ANY of us OLDER adults. No pictures allowed to be seen hanging around where she is seen as "OLD". Her profile pictures are all of her much younger or they are fantasy paintings. You don't' see her real face in her FB pictures either.

   So when I go out of my room I am in HER apartment. I am forced to use all her dishes and all her pots and pans and she has so many plates and glasses and tupperware containers and gadgets and shit, there is no space left for anything of mine. And she's got this system, everything in its place, which is great, except.. there are too many things. To try to get or find something you have to know where it is OR pull EVERYTHING out... which is fine, BUT...  if you dont put it back properly, you're fucked.  So it gets me all totally anxious trying to figure out which container she'd want me to put something in. IF I put it in any container, it's the wrong one. She'll change it out for me though. But she won't tell me what container she switched it to. So I have to hunt for it in the 'fridge.

  Sis has zero boundaries so when I am cooking and using a very sharp knife she will absolutely just barge right in and weasel her way in to get to the sink, NOT SEEING that I have a big chef's knife in my hand and am chopping. I stop and hold still and stare at the wall. She's nudged me aside. While I was chopping, the idiot. NO SENSE OF HER SURROUNDINGS, or... is she that vindictive?  I'll never know. I only know that I hate cooking when she is around so now I do my cooking at lunch only. Dinner is cold something or other. If I eat dinner. Good lord, I can't taste anything! For so long here I thought I wasn't eating because I had a crush but good grief, I'm still not eating. It's just that I don't taste anything, and it seems like too much trouble to cook, and my sister is always cooking really yummy SMELLING things but I go in to cook, having gotten an appetite from her cooking, and I just can't, because she's in there. So I go sit down in my room to wait and by the time she's done, I'm just not even interested any more.

  When I write this it sounds like some really harsh deep depression type shit. But deep inside I'm still me, happy enough, despite the circumstances.  Here I find myself having pushed away all but a tiny core of people in my life, even Karen is distancing. I know that is happening.  I also know it's all I can do to keep my head above the waterline here, it's why I am writing and not playing video games right now. I want to remember it all. I've....

  I've isolated myself for the past 4 years having given up entirely on life and just succumbed to my sister's will because it was easier to give up than to stand up to her.  In that 4 years I learned how to build computers, mod Fallout 4, manipulate game files, maintain a PC, clean it etc. I learned a lot of Spanish words and phrases, I made some online friends, but mostly, I learned a lot about my self. The deeper I go the messier it gets but the good news is, I'm kind of a blank slate when it comes to new experiences. Wide open to them. And to new people. Forming rooted tribes or tribal experiences may not be for me. At least it doesn't look like it at present. There's a reason Stephen Elliot is my favorite author-- we're vagabonds. Barreling through life sometimes, others simpering. But moving forward, learning, thinking, being. Soon, I'll be doing.

  Old ways love to entrench, and some of these behaviors are dug deep after getting rooted for 4 years. But I'm aware and I'm trying not to beat myself up. Don't I keep starting over? Don't I keep picking it up and making it better than before?  While I do miss the safety and security of the job at the hospital, I do not miss the simpering writhing mess I was inside then. What a coward I was!

  Another situation where, because I had promised not to leave, I could not leave when I wanted to. Bren was cheating on me, I knew it, and I should have fucking bolted before winter hit. Leaving her duplex in the middle of a blizzard to drive to Ted Steven's airport-- then leaving the car in the lot. For good. I remember looking at my dog tags hanging from the rear view and thinking: "I am too sad to even bother". Just got out and left them hanging. It's a miracle they found their way back to me.  And every time I go to Tillamook I look for that stupid car. I wonder if it still has the bumper sticker "Alaska Girls Kick Ass" heh heh. I cant put that on my car now can I? Although I'm not going to own another car I guess.

  Honestly I am at a crossroads. And I may need to reinvent myself because this is a real low loser type of situation here. I mean I CAN SEE how it looks from outside this bedroom. I can see how crazy I sound to just about everyone. I can hear myself screaming inside half the time.  It's sort of like that disease where you can hear and see everything but you cant move or speak ... I feel like I can see what is going on inside me, I know why it's happening, I understand how it got this way, I understand how I let it happen. I understand it's all my fault, I get it. I know that this is not going to be an easy fix and I have to find a compassionate place to land and when I do land I can't fuck it up with my anger. I'm only angry at myself and my sister but mostly myself because it took 3 and 3/4 years to realize what I have become.  I'm pathetic.  I know that. But M has some real empathy for my plight and will take all my boxes and the computer. I'd sell the computer but it took me a year to save up for the parts. I don't think I can do without a PC for that long although a detox will certainly be in order when I get out of here.

  Honestly I didn't really think about it before but my transition is being met with some real typical drama like sis dead naming me and me freaking out in every way possible about this or that to do with transition and getting to Oregon is like ... you know, OREGON OR BUST!  all us poor trans want to go to Portland, it's where we are accepted. It IS a total freakout telling everyone what you are when you are just figuring it out.

 Solidarity with every poor sap who ever realized they were trans and just wanted to be like all the other happy little trans... lucky bastards. Sometimes-- of course! -- I wish I'd never heard or seen any transgender people.  I wish I did not know that some have found happiness by transitioning to the other gender. Because mostly I despair of ever being at home in my body, and I despair of being at home in my brain. At least if I got some help from the medical community in this I could feel a little bit of peace within.  when I look at the picture of me with the photoshopped beard, I smile for real. I sort of smirk even. That 's me. But right now I'm a floppy titted splotchy skinned bow legged crooked teeth bent nose twat that lives in essentially their mom's basement and plays with the computer and the cat all day and all night.

  the other thing I learned while I've been SO ONLINE for SO LONG? I'll talk about that in another post. [EXTREMELY ONLINE] [or: what's up with the youth and their acronyms and shit]

Revelation

  One of my subs today, had a thread about how some narcissist parents will be so jealous of the child's innate talents that the parent will flat out forbid the child to do the thing it's good at. Then there are the really subtly undermining parents like my mother who instead of flat out forbidding the activity,

   they push you so hard you end up quitting in frustration, unable to ever be perfect -- as perfect as the parent is trying to make you be. And after reading that I was truly gobsmacked. All over that thread we were talking about how our parent pushed us so hard on this or that talent; and I remembered how I was supposed to be absolutely perfect to the point of not having a lick of fun or enjoying anything about any aspect of certain competitive activities. It always depended on if it was something  my mother wanted to be seen as good at or not. Take for instance: bareback riding. My mother cared not a whit about bareback riding so I could be the best at that. The very best! But put that saddle on and start riding English or Western Equitation, now we have to be perfect. All the life sapped out of everything to do with formal horse shows. Fuck that noise. One day after her hounding me to practice again I just threw the saddle down and never put it back on again. From that day forward, I rode only bareback.  Ditto guitar. I always wondered why I quit guitar... then today I remembered. I tried to do it perfectly but my hands were too small and I was always struggling. Why I let Karen send me this huge guitar I'll never know. In fact my hands would lock up, I remember now. I think I was reading something about that on reddit not too long ago: people's hands locking up due to practicing too much.  I seem to have forgotten everything I learned too, put it out of my mind.

   Mother never wanted to play the trumpet so I could get really good at that. When mother could not (would not) afford lessons anymore, I stopped practicing.

  Painting. Mother was on the fence about painting. So my paintings were 'ok'. But my pastels... she loved pastels. My pastel was... not her cup of tea. She didn't like it in fact. And when I made a sculpture... she had to be the one to finish it. It was not 'mine'. She took zero interest in my videos, zero interest in my book. Two things she did not care about: writing and videotape.

  When my mother cast me as 'Anybody's ' in West Side Story... she pretty much did not direct me. I directed myself -- I thought that was odd. She exalted me when my Alto Tenor voice filled in a very large gap in a song during "Bye Bye Birdie" ; it was great that I could play a guy wearing a mechanic's outfit and singing that note none of the young boys could hit yet. But it was not ok if I dressed like at home. It never had been. Not because my mother cared what I wore, but because she cared what others thought.   I was allowed to be the best actor I could be and not get 'rehearsed to death' because I was not playing any roles she cared about: I was doing men's roles. Except for Anybody's, but my mother would never have had any interest in playing a Tomboy. She did however make a killer WITCH. In Hansel & Gretel I played a HENCHMAN. Again, a small side part in which she had no interest and therefore could be magnanimous and praise me to no end. It was a simple, stupid part but I stole the show with an ad lib every night.

  So there were so many things she pushed me to perfection on and that I would quit. I see it now -- a pattern emerges. She finds out how to make me quit asap and then ! More money for her. This is also evidenced by the money she took from me "to buy groceries" when I had saved up 50 bucks to buy a calf for 4-H.

  This was going to be my first calf, my first 4-H event: county fair! But alas, no calf for me, no 4-H. I was so excited about the thought of hanging out with other farm girls or boys, in overalls, raising a calf. When I saw her pocket that 50 bucks...

*****
I found the reddit thread:  Push and Sabotage.  Oh man what a gut punch.  Thinking back to the rides to and from the guitar lessons: why was I dissociating so hard in the back seat? What was going on in the front seat that I had to disassociate entirely the whole way to and from, pretending I was that guy from 'Wild Wild West'... tied up in the back seat of the car about to be eviscerated by a swinging saw pendulum, or the like.
What were they talking about, or doing, or why was the car ride so traumatic that I had to disassociate both ways?  *strokes chin*.   I remember the car rides to the Beckman's for riding lessons, they were not traumatic. Oh...because mother was not around. Someone else drove... and here again, SURELY mother knew about Paper Doll.   Knowing that mother was the one who wanted to be seen as the horse whisperer, it falls into line that she bought me the worst jumper in the history of jumpers. Paper Doll was a pony that was supposedly worth 1500 dollars USd due to her bloodlines. But the pony would NOT jump a jump in a horse show. I could not get her over the jumps. It was HORRIBLY humiliating. I was a very good rider over fences. I still am. But you cannot force a pony over a jump. My show jumping career was dead in the water before it began and my mother KNEW THAT.

  My sister washed my jumping habit -- my habit was something that felt right to me. I wore it with pride, it felt right. It felt good. A nice black wool habit coat and she washed it and it shrank. To this day she says she didn't know you could not wash wool but by that time she was quite the accomplished laundry person. No way that was an accident: same as when she cut my hair. I had a braid down to my ass. My sister cut it all off one day. I had not remembered that since it happened. 

Well it's good I can start remembering some stuff from childhood now. It'll be good to suss it all out.

I feel like I helped someone.

   Scary as it is, I made a Facebook page that is for Huntsville, Alabama: a Huntsville Antifa page. Yes I did. I looked at other states, other cities, they all had a lone page, curated by most likely one person like me, just trying to shine a beacon in the dark.

  After a few days, one person liked it, there is one lone soul in this city that is also antifa, and brave enough to share the posts from the page. So I wrote to him to ask him if he wanted to co-mod the page, haven't heard back. But I did gank some memes from his page and shared them on my main. I want this person to know they are not alone in being anti-fascist.  I wish I could have seen his face when he saw the page. Must have been like when I found out Sunday is antifa. Although I suspect she does not go to the Proud Boy rallys. Oh man I have missed seeing Sunday up there with the flag.

  Found a place to put the boxes: M's house in Birmingham. Why didn't I ask her sooner? She said, anything I needed. I said I'd like to visit (never seen more than a picture of her house) but she's got the kids, and they would not understand. But my boxes will be safe. And my computer. Although I could send the computer to Travis's... I doubt Karen would like to see me hanging out at Travis's house. She's going to have to get used to it though. Trav was my buddy and keeps asking when I'm coming back. Not my fault he lives next door. Karen is being standoffish now.  she's going to have to get over the fact I want to be in Portland. I cant imagine the size of her ego to think I'm coming back just to be near her. I don't really want to hang out with her that much... and I'm certain I won't feel the same way I did before now that she's turning into 'the other half' of her partner. I see her losing her personality. I'm bummed, but it happens. I think her partner is settling in and putting her foot down on things. Good for them. I just want to see the dogs honestly. If they aren't up for that, fuck it.

    Not even sure I'm headed that way now. Once my boxes are away to M's house I am footloose. The question will be what mode of transport and where do I point it? My sister, so amazingly out of touch, suggests a rental car. My credit cards are long gone, sis. I used them to pay rent back in Portland when my body was giving out and I was waiting for disability. I told Karen about that yesterday... that that is how I lost my credit. I was too afraid to tell her back then; and I never got my credit back since. Just gave up on it. She's now mad because she thinks I am blaming her. I'm not. It's just that she had told me to my face "No partner of mine is going to be on disability"... and now she doesn't remember saying that. It's not her fault that I let a statement like that keep me from seeing the lawyer when I first knew I couldn't work much longer. But she did say it. I was just trying to explain something to her.  I was dreading work to the point of wanting to walk in front of a bus. I told her that I could not go to this job much longer.

  This was after Joel's death.  Joel's death fucked her up I know; and it made it so that when I mentioned feeling suicidal due to having to go to a job that was killing me, she refused to hear it. So I kept it to myself: struggled along by myself. At this time, I was not able to afford the co-pays AND bus for therapy, as I did not have disability yet and was living off 3 credit cards. Not telling Karen this, going to work when I could but mostly just not going to work and trying to figure something out. We had some fights, and when we fought she went stone. I never knew how to react. I'd walk home and come back an hour later to find her in the same position, like  a crying stone.  And later she would tell me that it nearly killed her when I walked off to go home to cool off. After that she started making me promise never to leave her, ever. Of course I said I would not.

   Karen now has some kind of mad on and thinks I am blaming her for my credit. If I blamed her wouldnt' I have brought that ammo out long ago during one of our hours - long volatile e-mail matches? She doesn't remember.  Omg she doesn't remember how she'd write me one volatile e-mail, drunk as a lord, I'd react, begging her to be kind and not mean, and BOOM off we'd GO. For HOURS and HOURS and me not even drinking and her drinking for days. I could not not engage-- not at first. I had to learn to turn the phone off and not open the laptop. I'd have to wait 3 days.

  Of course, I did this to her as well. My rejoinders were not as well thought out, and mean though. I began to see how her and Reptyler might have had some real blow-outs. Like that one time I was in college and Karen called me on my cell, crying. It was 3 p.m. in the afternoon and she was blitzed.  When asked what was wrong -- she said "TYLER sent me an e-mail" and I'm OH GOD HERE WE GO.  3 p.m. and I have a class and an hour is not enough time for this, I had to promise to call her after class. That Tyler thing went on and on  the whole time we were in a LDR-- you know, there were no doubt as many red flags for me with K-chop as there must have been for her with me. Why did we both ignore them? Because we really needed each other. But I think she needed me more than I needed her; since in the end, it was me that had to find a way to get her to throw me out. I had promised not to leave her-- so I made her throw me out. Now, all these years later, she's finally turning from me to her partner. I suppose it was inevitable and I'm kind of , no hugely relieved. I really am free now.

  B. wants me to come to Queens or the Bronx or whatever it is. I am so tempted. I haven't been to NYC since the 80s. I'd like to see it sans Richard. You know, the people in my past were not the greatest. I wasn't the greatest. I'm definitely not the greatest now. But I always land on my feet. If I can keep Wanda from breathing down my neck... if I could find out who is spying on my FB page for her, I'd be happy. I have 5000 people to go through.  For which she mocked me. She mocked me for having the full 5000 'friends' -- mostly for spreading political information. I have Fallout friends and they take up about 1 percent then the rest is political. I have unfriended most of my IRL friends to make room for people interested in politics.  My sister mocks me for that. "All my Bernie friends". I know 5000 people that like Bernie Sanders.  I think that's kind of neat, that we all want to learn about what is going on in the world and help each other do that. My sister thinks it's stupid.

  None of it seems very stupid to me.