There was a bad moment last night; I had tried the cartridge and went one toke over the line, sweet jesus. I have never felt so all alone-- no mother, no father. No sister, no brother. No anyone except my lovely cousin in Scotland. Luke, you are my entire family now.
I felt alone, and wondered why I should go on. Wondered what the point was. Imagined myself very old and very frail and hungry and covered in shit, as one does when one is poor and growing older. Sentiment that my old punk friends that overdosed were the lucky ones. Graves, Preston.. you missed out on wondering if the entire world was going to starve and burn in your life time! Lucky devils.
But I talked myself through it. Knowing I found the perfect spot for me to heal in, having trusted the universe to grant me sanctuary! I leapt and the bridge appeared. Some say net but who wants to fall into a net? I say bridge. The bridge that appears like in that Indiana Jones movie. This is a good reminder, I told myself, that when the time comes, the bridge will also appear in Portland. Yes, yes it will. Saving of money is all that comes now. I will be my own hero, and land in Portland in time to go back to college, come hell or high water. I talked myself through this horrible panic attack last night and I can do it again. I do not need parents or siblings. I need friends. And I need friends that 'get it'. I will tell people straight up from now on. . . you want to be my friend? Great. Just promise to not bail if it gets shitty. Just come back in a while. And don't taunt me if you don't want me to fall in lust. Just don't. Because I do.
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