Killing Time

 Well another case of "Jesus Christ why can't I have THIS living situation only in Portland? "
  My roommate is chill as fuck. Never here, and when he is he's solid sleeping from working 14 hour days in the mud. I do his laundry and such happily. I just run around picking up his clothes and putting them in the washing machine. The machine takes like forever,  water saver.  But it's something I can do for him. I did cook some food: a big pot of chili and a pot of potatoes, making use of what was already here. He did like both! I was happy to hear. He's just working so hard... this guy. Must be about my age, or 60. Loves his job... no doubt because it's his world. I could see myself being this guy and being happy right up until my body gave up and I couldn't do it anymore. He's the born-male version of me had I stayed in Alabama from birth. The red clay mud on his shirts and in the fibers of his socks... it gets into your skin. Red neck... red ankles... red wrists. Red face, red everything. Orange, actually. It all turns a dull shade of orange. Roll fucking tide.

  Anyhow it's chill as fuck here. I have the place to myself all day and into the night. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is kind of fading. My sister is not coming home  this day. Or any day. I'll never see or hopefully hear from her again.  This is my struggle-- last night,

   Sitting here having tried (at his behest) this guy's vape pen and higher than god should allow, I felt the deepest longing for any human contact I've ever known. I felt completely alone, and felt as if it would behoove me to walk into the river with stones in my pockets like I felt when I was living with what's her name near 5 Points. That was horrid, more horrid than this current living situation. It wasn't the cockroaches, although I felt those to be horrible, it was the narcissism of the roommate. I can detect that shit now and it makes me depressed and such immediately upon finding it. It's like...

   It's like finding out someone you know and like is in the Republican party. It's a big huge red flag and it's going to always depress and horrify me. Like unzipping someone and finding snakes writhing about inside. I know now that my first impressions are spot - on and I need to follow those.
  Sammy was ... let's see. Sammy is probably not a narcissist but she's definitely a herd animal and afraid of actually going against the grain. I pegged her wrong, thought she was a rebel and did what she actually wants to but she doesn't. Because I know she felt the same way about me-- but then again, maybe she feels the same way about Ez. Maybe she's a serial monogamist when it comes to the friends she substitutes for her lover who is never there apparently. Whatever. I just think I should have bailed when I started feeling really hurt by her. I should have fucking bailed but I couldn't... because I was so needy.  and while I did not expect Sammy to hang out with me she did, and she seemed to want me to come seek HER out for some reason but when I said I could not it ... confused her ? I do not know what she was thinking because she doesn't tell me. So... fuck that. I need people who can tell me their innermost thoughts. Also tell me the truth.

  Like did Sammy tell me I was good looking just to assuage my ego? Or did she think I am? I will never know. I don't care right now because who gives a shit what she thinks now. But I am curious and always will be. Why show me pictures of your long tattooed legs stretched out on a hammock; or invite me to peruse all your pictures of you on all social media including you in your underwear... why show me these things freely, knowing how I feel... encouraging it even. Then when it happens that I got attached, it's BAIL OUT.  So obviously taunting and teasing then when it has the desired effect that person is bad. Well I don't give a fuck if your'e married,  those were some mixed signals. And while I have never cheated, and been with someone who was engaged only once and hate myself for it-- gotta say you knew what you were doing, Sam. Why do I have to pay for this forever? Fuck you.

  Where was I. Oh yes. Killing time. Waiting for the heat to dissipate... looks like its' going to hang in there for most of the month. Fucking fuck. I'm eager to get out and about but 'feels like' temps being around 101 degrees I'm like no, let's skip it. That's a bit much. It really is. I'm sucking on B12 and eating like crazy so my body is burning calories and that's making me hot anyway, no need to be out in it. God it's hot.  And oh lord....
   the pot this guy has. I think I'll stick with what I have. Those cartridges are fucking insane. I can see why people seem to be on harder drugs. Pure pot oil is like... say goodbye to doing anything other than watching the weather channel. Fuck. The establishment is missing a real bet here. You give people that shit once an hour and apparently they will work until the drop, happily, very happily. Dose people with this and they'll just mindlessly move rocks in the mud all day in 100 degrees. fuck.