Totally set K free today. I feel ambivalent about it. I felt worse letting Sammy go. What does that say about my relationship with K!? It says it was often tense, often strained, often one sided. How many times did I kiss her ass and tell her how wonderful she was, and how she's my bff etc, only to get NOTHING in return. Why did I-- why. Look, K, I took it as far as I could. My shedding of people is necessary for me to make room for new folk. I'm glad you're politically active, however that must look in your weird paranoid world. But to have to encrypt every e-mail I send just because it mentions Antifa; like the NSA doesn't already have my address, phone number and if they take me down they'll come question you no doubt. But you ain't done shit. Or have you?
I just got banned from Facebook for 7 days. Someone reported my video that showed 200,000 American Nazis gathering at Madison Square Garden back during World War 2. Because the screenshot has a swastika on it. Some democrat reported me. Now, tell me I'm wrong about liberals. The women in my super secret sub-reddit shitting all over me for my politics. I had the fear of god coming out as trans in there and what is the issue that actually takes me down: politics. Like, you idiots, what good trans person would NOT be a lefty right now? Der.
And so B. and I have been getting along well via message and email , she's been smothering me with concern. Then M. and I had a lovely conversation on the PHONE of all things, for a good hour at least. And we talked Communism, Marx, Socialism, Unions, etc. and not once did either of us become paranoid. We came to the conclusion that K.'s company must be hella scary to work for if all political comms between us needed to be encrypted. That got old. I set her free. I am totally out in the world alone right now and it feels refreshing. I have a few anchors, a few people to keep me sane via phone/email. Otherwise, I am free-floating. Just need to get to Portland before school starts. I got this.
**********
Made new gaymer friends; I feel like this purge is going nicely. I need new friends, woke friends, revolutionary friends. I got me two today! This is great. I want to retool my life.
Monday, September 2, 2019
Saturday, August 31, 2019
Difficulty
Mainly I'm concerned over K not answering me. One thing for people like S to ditch me but K?
S is like, man she's just wanting some in-game relationship to fill her void and I fit the bill until I didn't then E came along and well, that's perfect , the two don't need to talk about anything uncomfortable. Fuck the pussies. They're both pussies so fuck them both. Fuck that noise. I'm glad to be free.
*********
I got to think about it lately. There was a definite back and forth, it was a relationship, she felt trapped, left me hanging, I got upset, it added to my already declining mental state, I fucked up by not paying attention to the first red flags, and so here I am missing someone I don't even really like when I think about how flip floppy they are and how hurtful in the end.
Fucking conservative centrists and namby pamby non-involved capitalist consumerist fucks.
I woke up angry about this. S & E deserve each other. Lazy, scared little rabbits, stuck in their hidey-holes, only doing what they think will be perceived as ok by their controlling husbands. Making it look like everything is ok when it's not. Living out their fantasy lives in a game. Getting what they do not get from their husbands, from each other, and I fell for it for a time... yeah I totally thought S was intelligent as hell and capable of understanding but she ain't shit. Feeling like I got duped. Mad. Because I'm the bad guy and I gave her the perfect out by losing my shit over the relationship. E was waiting in the wings for me to bail. And she was no doubt happy as fuck when I turned people against me. Jumped right into the void and never looked back. these people are predictable, stupid and sheeplike. I'm done with these types.
Watch them sit comfortably in their lavish homes eating bon bons and enjoying the latest music videos while someone they previously purported to love goes without friendship, love or support -- this is fucked. Fuck these people. Of course I'm upset. Because of their fake ass shit. They get to sit back and say "Zed's crazy, of course we were right to cut ties" when in fact, they are scared, white bread fucking selfish twats. Fuck those people. They are actually the problem.
And fuck me for thinking they are smart, and kind, when they are actually just trying to make themselves look good and get in a clique where they are the exulted one, and anything that upsets their world gets booted. Fuck them. Fuck you S and fuck you E.
S is like, man she's just wanting some in-game relationship to fill her void and I fit the bill until I didn't then E came along and well, that's perfect , the two don't need to talk about anything uncomfortable. Fuck the pussies. They're both pussies so fuck them both. Fuck that noise. I'm glad to be free.
*********
I got to think about it lately. There was a definite back and forth, it was a relationship, she felt trapped, left me hanging, I got upset, it added to my already declining mental state, I fucked up by not paying attention to the first red flags, and so here I am missing someone I don't even really like when I think about how flip floppy they are and how hurtful in the end.
Fucking conservative centrists and namby pamby non-involved capitalist consumerist fucks.
I woke up angry about this. S & E deserve each other. Lazy, scared little rabbits, stuck in their hidey-holes, only doing what they think will be perceived as ok by their controlling husbands. Making it look like everything is ok when it's not. Living out their fantasy lives in a game. Getting what they do not get from their husbands, from each other, and I fell for it for a time... yeah I totally thought S was intelligent as hell and capable of understanding but she ain't shit. Feeling like I got duped. Mad. Because I'm the bad guy and I gave her the perfect out by losing my shit over the relationship. E was waiting in the wings for me to bail. And she was no doubt happy as fuck when I turned people against me. Jumped right into the void and never looked back. these people are predictable, stupid and sheeplike. I'm done with these types.
Watch them sit comfortably in their lavish homes eating bon bons and enjoying the latest music videos while someone they previously purported to love goes without friendship, love or support -- this is fucked. Fuck these people. Of course I'm upset. Because of their fake ass shit. They get to sit back and say "Zed's crazy, of course we were right to cut ties" when in fact, they are scared, white bread fucking selfish twats. Fuck those people. They are actually the problem.
And fuck me for thinking they are smart, and kind, when they are actually just trying to make themselves look good and get in a clique where they are the exulted one, and anything that upsets their world gets booted. Fuck them. Fuck you S and fuck you E.
Friday, August 30, 2019
The FINAL DIAGNOSIS!
... malnutrition. To be perfectly honest, I thought that my feelings for S. is what started the whole not eating thing. I did think that. Because I was not eating about that time and dropping weight even then. From the point where I started dropping weight , going back to calculate as best I can, I have been losing about 3-5 pounds per week. And not noticing because I kept wearing the same baggy clothing every day. Then one day for no reason at all I tried on a pair of pants from my past. And they were baggy. And I nearly fainted-- surely I must have cancer, I thought.
The decision to move must have exacerbated my condition. Already weak and confused from lack of nutrition, the anxiety and stress of the impending move and my sister's increasing OCD and narcissism ... and I'm the only one who could SEE THAT SHIT, literally NO ONE ELSE ever sees it. To the rest of the world I am an asshole who hides in their room and only comes out now and then to slap their sister.
Fuck I'm having hot flashes again. But that means I'm getting better. I was cold as fuck for a while. I drank like 6 protein shakes earlier, ate half a fish sandwich and some fries. It's so odd. The smell of the food-- I love BK, I used to work there. Never got sick of the fish sandwich. Haven't had one for ages and ages. Smelled it, bit into it, regretted it. No taste, and soon as it is in my mouth I want to spit it out. It's an involuntary response! What kind of sick ass god makes it so a malnourished person doesn't want to eat? Is that to cull the herd better? I was starving in my own bedroom with food just feet away. I thought I had a crush so big it made me not want to eat. Then i thought I had diabetes/blood clot. I thought I had a brain tumor.
I was just not nourished. This fucking takes the fucking cake. Jesus Christ. Now I've been sitting here playing Fallout 76 for hours and sometimes forgetting where I am, which is nice. There's so much to do here. Endless hours of cleaning. Neighbors to meet (they're all quite friendly), Aldi to explore.
I'd been looking forward to meeting the next door neighbor because Mike said she was just like me only taller. I thought, oo you never know (hope springs eternal)... it's funny too when he said she was tall I imagined my ex Diane. And when I met my next door neighbor I was kind of stunned by how much she looks like Diane, and that is not a good thing.
Went out the back door to clean up the garden this morning and looked and saw her sitting there on her side... and she sort of aggressively said "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" as I cleaned up Mike's side. (My side. Our side). (Why you would question anyone who was doing cleaning , I'll never know).
She asked me what my name was and couldn't wrap her mind around it. It's not the first time -- this happens a LOT. I tell them "ZED" and they tilt their head like a dog hearing a high pitched noise and say " how do you say that?" and "What kind of name is that?" These people have never heard the word ZED. Not in a video game, or in a movie, or heard a Brit recite the alphabet in its entirety. That right there told me that me and nextie aren't going to be fast friends.
The decision to move must have exacerbated my condition. Already weak and confused from lack of nutrition, the anxiety and stress of the impending move and my sister's increasing OCD and narcissism ... and I'm the only one who could SEE THAT SHIT, literally NO ONE ELSE ever sees it. To the rest of the world I am an asshole who hides in their room and only comes out now and then to slap their sister.
Fuck I'm having hot flashes again. But that means I'm getting better. I was cold as fuck for a while. I drank like 6 protein shakes earlier, ate half a fish sandwich and some fries. It's so odd. The smell of the food-- I love BK, I used to work there. Never got sick of the fish sandwich. Haven't had one for ages and ages. Smelled it, bit into it, regretted it. No taste, and soon as it is in my mouth I want to spit it out. It's an involuntary response! What kind of sick ass god makes it so a malnourished person doesn't want to eat? Is that to cull the herd better? I was starving in my own bedroom with food just feet away. I thought I had a crush so big it made me not want to eat. Then i thought I had diabetes/blood clot. I thought I had a brain tumor.
I was just not nourished. This fucking takes the fucking cake. Jesus Christ. Now I've been sitting here playing Fallout 76 for hours and sometimes forgetting where I am, which is nice. There's so much to do here. Endless hours of cleaning. Neighbors to meet (they're all quite friendly), Aldi to explore.
I'd been looking forward to meeting the next door neighbor because Mike said she was just like me only taller. I thought, oo you never know (hope springs eternal)... it's funny too when he said she was tall I imagined my ex Diane. And when I met my next door neighbor I was kind of stunned by how much she looks like Diane, and that is not a good thing.
Went out the back door to clean up the garden this morning and looked and saw her sitting there on her side... and she sort of aggressively said "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" as I cleaned up Mike's side. (My side. Our side). (Why you would question anyone who was doing cleaning , I'll never know).
She asked me what my name was and couldn't wrap her mind around it. It's not the first time -- this happens a LOT. I tell them "ZED" and they tilt their head like a dog hearing a high pitched noise and say " how do you say that?" and "What kind of name is that?" These people have never heard the word ZED. Not in a video game, or in a movie, or heard a Brit recite the alphabet in its entirety. That right there told me that me and nextie aren't going to be fast friends.
Thursday, August 29, 2019
It is done.
I'm going to have to order a lapboard ... no room in here for a desk or anything. But I got my computer set up, and I think I will play some Fallout 76, to settle my nerves.
I told Mikey I'd pay him 400 today, the balance of the rent after the deposit. Minus the ... 15 for gas, ok so. I walked to ALDI which is like 1/20 of a mile away and I thought I was going to fall down. I have not been this tired since boot camp at Fort Leonard Wood. Every fiber of my poor being is shredded. Even my back hurts. I have done no physical labor in 4 years. I'm nothing but skin and bone now with just some old flab and old muscle flapping and wow it's hard out here like that. But struggling up the hill there, that tiny hill-- I remembered Chicago; and living in Pilsen. Hoo boy I was not ready then. Now I'd be in hog heaven... but I was so terrified of being in Pilsen and walking to the trains. Daily of a morning I'd be chugging through the wind or rain trying to get to the train praying no one would kill me outright. How ridiculous.
Well if Mike wants the rest he can tote me over to Walmart. Good god I think I'll be getting an accent before I leave here. I really really wish I was in Portland but now I know one fact: I'd have died if I had tried to move these boxes and all in the Portland heat, down from K's garage loft. I'd have not been able to. I'd be laying out right now just given up. Good thing I did not go try to punch a nazi before I got back into shape.
The Greenway is right down the road and there's a bike path that goes all the way to the river. Now, I have absolutely ZERO excuses to NOT FISH. Haha, at last, something to do. I'm going to get myself in shape enough to ride the bike to the river and fish. While saving up for a place in Portland.
I had 2000 dollars earlier today. I now have half that. Between my sister asking for 200 more and the moving guy and getting a new phone plan and Uber and paying this place it's going fast as fuck. If it wasn't for M I'd be going hungry for a long while.
Sure wish I was better organized at packing , now I can't find anything. I need to trim my fingernails badly. And-- wow, how odd it is to fit every single thing you own into one room.
I told Mikey I'd pay him 400 today, the balance of the rent after the deposit. Minus the ... 15 for gas, ok so. I walked to ALDI which is like 1/20 of a mile away and I thought I was going to fall down. I have not been this tired since boot camp at Fort Leonard Wood. Every fiber of my poor being is shredded. Even my back hurts. I have done no physical labor in 4 years. I'm nothing but skin and bone now with just some old flab and old muscle flapping and wow it's hard out here like that. But struggling up the hill there, that tiny hill-- I remembered Chicago; and living in Pilsen. Hoo boy I was not ready then. Now I'd be in hog heaven... but I was so terrified of being in Pilsen and walking to the trains. Daily of a morning I'd be chugging through the wind or rain trying to get to the train praying no one would kill me outright. How ridiculous.
Well if Mike wants the rest he can tote me over to Walmart. Good god I think I'll be getting an accent before I leave here. I really really wish I was in Portland but now I know one fact: I'd have died if I had tried to move these boxes and all in the Portland heat, down from K's garage loft. I'd have not been able to. I'd be laying out right now just given up. Good thing I did not go try to punch a nazi before I got back into shape.
The Greenway is right down the road and there's a bike path that goes all the way to the river. Now, I have absolutely ZERO excuses to NOT FISH. Haha, at last, something to do. I'm going to get myself in shape enough to ride the bike to the river and fish. While saving up for a place in Portland.
I had 2000 dollars earlier today. I now have half that. Between my sister asking for 200 more and the moving guy and getting a new phone plan and Uber and paying this place it's going fast as fuck. If it wasn't for M I'd be going hungry for a long while.
Sure wish I was better organized at packing , now I can't find anything. I need to trim my fingernails badly. And-- wow, how odd it is to fit every single thing you own into one room.
Real Talk
Ok so the new place is really isolated from anything like Bus or Sidewalks but it's got Walmart and Aldi and Burger King so I won't die. There's a bike trail very close and so I need a bike pump, for certain. And a helmet. And a lock. Oh fuck there's a hundred bucks right there guess I'll just go with the pump for the first purchase.
I'm weak as can be. I did not sleep last night, the heat has come of course, when it has been so cool lately now of course on this day the heat is unbearable. I stink of sweat and fear. Fear of leaving the prison I made for myself. I must never ever bow to another narcissist. I must never ever allow myself to be controlled by another human. I'm too fucking crazy for that shit. I do not fit in any pigeonholes. God I wish I could eat something WHERE ARE MY TASTE BUDS AND WILL THEY COME BACK? Why did you have to take my taste buds?
I'm weak as can be. I did not sleep last night, the heat has come of course, when it has been so cool lately now of course on this day the heat is unbearable. I stink of sweat and fear. Fear of leaving the prison I made for myself. I must never ever bow to another narcissist. I must never ever allow myself to be controlled by another human. I'm too fucking crazy for that shit. I do not fit in any pigeonholes. God I wish I could eat something WHERE ARE MY TASTE BUDS AND WILL THEY COME BACK? Why did you have to take my taste buds?
Wednesday, August 28, 2019
Fuck it costs a lot to be poor
Yeah whew I'll just be 5 miles from where I have been living but Uber is going to be much higher from that location. Sucks. Whatever. I'll be fully out tomorrow. I had a HELL of a time moving my stuff today. Mikey seems to be on some kind of drug. I gave him a deposit for the room and then he was suddenly barely able to talk and fell asleep the moment he got home and hit the couch. Yep, something going on . But he's really nice, so. I just need to fucking get my head clear of this sister thing for a bit of time. I am struggling so hard right now. No help from any side. My sister won't even hold the door open for me. I broke my toe today, just walking in my room. I am debating going to the clinic tomorrow to get it splinted.
It's a decent enough room. I mean, it's about like a motel 6. I get the run of the place, wifi. It's serviceable. Walking (spitting) distance of ALDI's. So, food. Also, Burger King. I could use a fucking Whopper Jr. about now, holy fuck. My pants are falling off, the belt is too small. Well, for the type of pants. I mean, the belt is a waist belt and these are hip hugger pants. So I have to pull them way up and look like a HAYSEED. I love it. It's all good.
Saying goodbye to the cat today and tonight and tomorrow morning. Just hanging with her, chilling and such. Earlier I had some pizza and I've taken to putting a lot of hot sauce and pepper on my pizza - otherwise I cannot taste it. I can barely taste the hotsauce... in face, forgot I had put it on the pizza when I gave the cat a tiny taste of the sauce (she likes it!) and the poor thing sneezed her head off for 5 minutes. I still feel bad. But I did laugh quite a bit. Poor Bonnie. I'm going to miss that cat terribly. I can't even talk about it. she's been my only friend in this place.
The new place is weird, just a little shitty apartment in a bunch of apartments that are called condos-- they are not the nicest let me just say. I'm happy to have the opportunity to clean it up for this guy, he's taking me in without a lease. I was in my new room today vacuuming and looked down at the back 'garden' area (tiny bit of area with a table to have coffee at -- I 'll enjoy that) and saw a child pushing a toy truck back and forth. Looks like the single lady next door has a kid, kids love the shit out of me, oh god do they. Because I am one I reckon. Anyhow, I looked down there and saw trash and stuff where this kid is playing and thought to myself, here's my project, clean that up and make it LOVELY for a KID. There ya go, there's your praxis for right the fuck now. Make it so that when that mom comes home from work and her kid goes outside, it's all pristine and smells good and the kid is safe. Thinking about that makes me happy.
Last night here. Last night in prison. Damn narcissists put me in prison. I even think my ex was somewhat of a narcissist. I do. Cuz for the 2 weeks she's been in absentia I've felt much better about things.
It's a decent enough room. I mean, it's about like a motel 6. I get the run of the place, wifi. It's serviceable. Walking (spitting) distance of ALDI's. So, food. Also, Burger King. I could use a fucking Whopper Jr. about now, holy fuck. My pants are falling off, the belt is too small. Well, for the type of pants. I mean, the belt is a waist belt and these are hip hugger pants. So I have to pull them way up and look like a HAYSEED. I love it. It's all good.
Saying goodbye to the cat today and tonight and tomorrow morning. Just hanging with her, chilling and such. Earlier I had some pizza and I've taken to putting a lot of hot sauce and pepper on my pizza - otherwise I cannot taste it. I can barely taste the hotsauce... in face, forgot I had put it on the pizza when I gave the cat a tiny taste of the sauce (she likes it!) and the poor thing sneezed her head off for 5 minutes. I still feel bad. But I did laugh quite a bit. Poor Bonnie. I'm going to miss that cat terribly. I can't even talk about it. she's been my only friend in this place.
The new place is weird, just a little shitty apartment in a bunch of apartments that are called condos-- they are not the nicest let me just say. I'm happy to have the opportunity to clean it up for this guy, he's taking me in without a lease. I was in my new room today vacuuming and looked down at the back 'garden' area (tiny bit of area with a table to have coffee at -- I 'll enjoy that) and saw a child pushing a toy truck back and forth. Looks like the single lady next door has a kid, kids love the shit out of me, oh god do they. Because I am one I reckon. Anyhow, I looked down there and saw trash and stuff where this kid is playing and thought to myself, here's my project, clean that up and make it LOVELY for a KID. There ya go, there's your praxis for right the fuck now. Make it so that when that mom comes home from work and her kid goes outside, it's all pristine and smells good and the kid is safe. Thinking about that makes me happy.
Last night here. Last night in prison. Damn narcissists put me in prison. I even think my ex was somewhat of a narcissist. I do. Cuz for the 2 weeks she's been in absentia I've felt much better about things.
Can't stay too long
new roommate smokes in the apartment. Well, I figured he didn't because first thing he told me was: You aren't supposed to smoke in the apartment. I should have paid attention to the wording haha. BUT, I have a bedroom door that I am going to put a lock on immediately AND I can keep the windows open. I'm only here to sort my life out as far as moving.
There's a nice big bed for me to use... yay. Cable. Internet. Kitchen is clean, bathroom is clean, he's a redneck with half a brain but he's nice and he's clean. Poor dude is on meds of some kind but doesn't party. I think he's on a med that won't allow him to and that's good unless he goes off it. I'll have a lock. I trust him so far.
The location is good for peace of mind: bike trail right there, Walmart (gonna have to shop at Walmart!), LOWES. Thank god because I have to buy a locking door knob (in case he finds another renter).
I think it will be ok. I can't wait to meet the next door neighbor. He says she's a 'tall lanky woman who is just like you' .... yeah. Sounds like a tomboy to me. He says she is remodeling her kitchen. HHhhmmm she might need some help! Hopefully she is intelligent? I could use a smart friend to have coffee with of a morning...
There's a nice big bed for me to use... yay. Cable. Internet. Kitchen is clean, bathroom is clean, he's a redneck with half a brain but he's nice and he's clean. Poor dude is on meds of some kind but doesn't party. I think he's on a med that won't allow him to and that's good unless he goes off it. I'll have a lock. I trust him so far.
The location is good for peace of mind: bike trail right there, Walmart (gonna have to shop at Walmart!), LOWES. Thank god because I have to buy a locking door knob (in case he finds another renter).
I think it will be ok. I can't wait to meet the next door neighbor. He says she's a 'tall lanky woman who is just like you' .... yeah. Sounds like a tomboy to me. He says she is remodeling her kitchen. HHhhmmm she might need some help! Hopefully she is intelligent? I could use a smart friend to have coffee with of a morning...
Tuesday, August 27, 2019
New Digs
Just down the street a bit is a nice group of apartments that are called CONDOS, nestled in some nice trees to obscure the Walmart and gas station nearby. With a tiny back garden and lovely residential streets nearby, I may be able to feel far enough away from my sister to breathe for the first time in 4 years.
There is internet, a kitchen and my own room. I have a bathroom. I have plenty to do (it needs some cleaning). This guy is really nice, and I hope it works out until I can bolt from this town.
Meanwhile, I just ordered a new sim for my phone. I am spending my last hours with the cat, under constant high stress as my sister sits reading the paper in the next room.
My weight is at 120 now. I am losing 5 pounds or so per week. It is my distinct hope that moving out of here will bring my taste buds back; otherwise I am going to have to find a spice that I can taste. Food is tasting like cardboard right now and I miss Sammy like hell and I just want this all to be over. I'm under so much constant stress and scrutiny and I'm so volatile and ancy and fuck~!
Soon. It will be over soon. I have the keys to the new place.
There is internet, a kitchen and my own room. I have a bathroom. I have plenty to do (it needs some cleaning). This guy is really nice, and I hope it works out until I can bolt from this town.
Meanwhile, I just ordered a new sim for my phone. I am spending my last hours with the cat, under constant high stress as my sister sits reading the paper in the next room.
My weight is at 120 now. I am losing 5 pounds or so per week. It is my distinct hope that moving out of here will bring my taste buds back; otherwise I am going to have to find a spice that I can taste. Food is tasting like cardboard right now and I miss Sammy like hell and I just want this all to be over. I'm under so much constant stress and scrutiny and I'm so volatile and ancy and fuck~!
Soon. It will be over soon. I have the keys to the new place.
Monday, August 26, 2019
SLAVES, every one of us
This country runs on slave labor. We are almost ALL slaves. I say almost because there are a few who live off the grid entirely but they are hard to count haha. But we're mostly all slaves. You're a slave. Just probably a better paid one than I will be when they take me to prison for being trans or gay or not paying my student loans back or ... protesting...
It's raining!
We had this super cell of heat for a few days but now it's raining and looks so lush out I'll be adding a picture soon. I'm saying goodbye to the kitty by just watching her and trying to provide a calm peaceful last day with her. I will miss this cat but not the constant frustration of how she only gives me a tiny percent of her love... when she feels it is safe to do so. Right now I need full on full frontal blast of love and this cat is not up to the task, she was abused and is broken to the point of never going to sit in anyone's lap. Although the last time I came back from being away for a month, she laid on my chest for 3 nights. I wish she had not done that as it drives home how she is going to miss me. I would be ok leaving if she was not going to miss me terribly, and if my sister was not going to refuse the cat the place in the window I made for it, just to spite me.
HOW TO KILL A NARCISSIST I'll be ordering this book toot sweet. You bet.
I have to move into a hotel asap. I would rather not but I have to. I can't really think living under this roof.
Saturday, August 24, 2019
Put aside the self for the greater good-- saving the planet
It occurs to me that if we are going to 'win'-- that is, save the earth, we are going to have to take the same mindset as soldiers. By that I mean, we are going to have to relinquish the sense that we are precious individually, and begin to act as an organism. What makes ME so special that I am afraid to go punch a nazi in the face for real? What makes me so special that I am afraid to be hurt when I lay down in front of a TANK? I get it now. The way I felt in the military, when I was ready to do unspeakable things, as an organism, I must channel that same feeling now. To head into battle, as it is nothing short of a battle. I risk jail, prison, or worse, just by labeling myself ANITIFA and TRANS. I do this not to be a hero but to shine a light for anyone out there who feels the same way and is alone with those feelings. I am me, I will always be different, but I am part of something bigger than me now. A collective consciousness is growing again. We MUST begin to reach out to our fellow humans. Be honest with one another. Bare some feelings. Make some bonds, we are going to bloody well need them, badly. Do something bold. School some racists. Start a union. I'm reaching out, trying to make some really close lefty friends. You want in, PM me your email. Be well, be safe, be left. LOVE, ZED
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