The vitamin B12 seems to have been the TICKET. Bruises faded fast, toe healing, brain feeling great, get this: my once always erect nipples have gone soft for the first time in ... like 20 or so years ... ? All this time it was a B12 deficiency that plagued me? Holy cow. I even did 5 push ups. Have to go really slow & careful with recovering and then building muscle. they were not full push ups either but as good as my first attempt when trying to get into the military at the age of 32. I'm going to push myself to qualify for what would have been my 20th or so year in the military had I stayed. Pushups, situps, 2 mile run. That is my goal. Soon as it dips below 75 during the day! No way I can run or even walk fast in this shit. Even early morning has been muggy as fuck. Except this morning, I hear. Thinking it would be muggy, I slept until nearly 7 then stayed in bed another few hours reading. I did go outside to check the mail but it was beautiful. Not muggy... it was a perfectly dry hot day and felt so good. I can't remember a HOT summer's day feeling so good on my skin... and I said as much to the lady from the corner apartment... Lois. the one who loaned me the stamp... I said "Doesn't this summer remind you of how it used to be, back in the day when we were kids... and played outside in the sun and it never seemed so terribly hot like it is now... " and she said "I had to be out in the fields pulling cotton, when I was a kid". This woman is white. I did not know what to say to that. For some reason I said " I had to work on a horse ranch" but that sounds better for some reason. It might have seemed so as a kid, at the time. But the far reaching implications of it ... no one wants to have what I have as a result.
I sat on my headphones and broke the left ear. They wouldn't sit tight on my head anymore. So without a second thought I got my elastic exercise band and wrapped it around my headphone ear cups, tied it at the back like an Apache. Problem solved. I'm a bloody thrifty fucking genius and will be very helpful in the post apocalyptic world. I do know a lot about survival. Not like that YouTube guy but more than your average Joe. And I say all that while remembering I do not have any weather-proof matches in my go bag. WTF Zed. You ordered a book on Marx before you ordered personal survival supplies. What kind of card -carrying commie are you. Idiot! So it's easy to make your own survival matches...
Buy some strike-anywhere matches, dip the match in hot wax up to the middle of the matchstick. Put them all back in the box, put the box in a ziplock bag. Also have one of those striker thingys, it's good to have multiple ways. I have bic lighters. Not the best choice in the world. Better than nothing at all.
In the coming weeks I will be sorting through my belongings and only taking the absolute necessities. I will be probably making one box of mementoes and trying to find someone to hold on to them for me until I get settled. My rugby jerseys, my leather, my t-shirts. My boots. I refuse to get rid of my horse riding boots. Just in case. One never knows.
I'll be saving up money.
Thursday, September 5, 2019
Talked myself through it
There was a bad moment last night; I had tried the cartridge and went one toke over the line, sweet jesus. I have never felt so all alone-- no mother, no father. No sister, no brother. No anyone except my lovely cousin in Scotland. Luke, you are my entire family now.
I felt alone, and wondered why I should go on. Wondered what the point was. Imagined myself very old and very frail and hungry and covered in shit, as one does when one is poor and growing older. Sentiment that my old punk friends that overdosed were the lucky ones. Graves, Preston.. you missed out on wondering if the entire world was going to starve and burn in your life time! Lucky devils.
But I talked myself through it. Knowing I found the perfect spot for me to heal in, having trusted the universe to grant me sanctuary! I leapt and the bridge appeared. Some say net but who wants to fall into a net? I say bridge. The bridge that appears like in that Indiana Jones movie. This is a good reminder, I told myself, that when the time comes, the bridge will also appear in Portland. Yes, yes it will. Saving of money is all that comes now. I will be my own hero, and land in Portland in time to go back to college, come hell or high water. I talked myself through this horrible panic attack last night and I can do it again. I do not need parents or siblings. I need friends. And I need friends that 'get it'. I will tell people straight up from now on. . . you want to be my friend? Great. Just promise to not bail if it gets shitty. Just come back in a while. And don't taunt me if you don't want me to fall in lust. Just don't. Because I do.
I felt alone, and wondered why I should go on. Wondered what the point was. Imagined myself very old and very frail and hungry and covered in shit, as one does when one is poor and growing older. Sentiment that my old punk friends that overdosed were the lucky ones. Graves, Preston.. you missed out on wondering if the entire world was going to starve and burn in your life time! Lucky devils.
But I talked myself through it. Knowing I found the perfect spot for me to heal in, having trusted the universe to grant me sanctuary! I leapt and the bridge appeared. Some say net but who wants to fall into a net? I say bridge. The bridge that appears like in that Indiana Jones movie. This is a good reminder, I told myself, that when the time comes, the bridge will also appear in Portland. Yes, yes it will. Saving of money is all that comes now. I will be my own hero, and land in Portland in time to go back to college, come hell or high water. I talked myself through this horrible panic attack last night and I can do it again. I do not need parents or siblings. I need friends. And I need friends that 'get it'. I will tell people straight up from now on. . . you want to be my friend? Great. Just promise to not bail if it gets shitty. Just come back in a while. And don't taunt me if you don't want me to fall in lust. Just don't. Because I do.
Dear Andy Ngo (or NO - GO as I like to call him)
The Rolling Stone agrees with me. I think maybe it's not enough for everyone to agree with me because it's not like the world's most trusted journalist or anything but. They do have some weight. And they say the same thing I have been saying all along-- that you made this shit up. That you side with the FASCISTS and were inciting violence with your LIES and you are just a cunt like the PROUD BOYS and Prayer Saints or whatever the fuck they call themselves. Nationalists. what fucking idiot of a journalist sides with the fascists? You dumb fucking twat. You just borked yourself from ever getting any kind of real journalism award. Especially posthumously. Because you aligned yourself with the bad guys.
Andy's CUM SHOT (there was no concrete, but there might have been jizz)
Andy's CUM SHOT (there was no concrete, but there might have been jizz)
Killing Time
Well another case of "Jesus Christ why can't I have THIS living situation only in Portland? "
My roommate is chill as fuck. Never here, and when he is he's solid sleeping from working 14 hour days in the mud. I do his laundry and such happily. I just run around picking up his clothes and putting them in the washing machine. The machine takes like forever, water saver. But it's something I can do for him. I did cook some food: a big pot of chili and a pot of potatoes, making use of what was already here. He did like both! I was happy to hear. He's just working so hard... this guy. Must be about my age, or 60. Loves his job... no doubt because it's his world. I could see myself being this guy and being happy right up until my body gave up and I couldn't do it anymore. He's the born-male version of me had I stayed in Alabama from birth. The red clay mud on his shirts and in the fibers of his socks... it gets into your skin. Red neck... red ankles... red wrists. Red face, red everything. Orange, actually. It all turns a dull shade of orange. Roll fucking tide.
Anyhow it's chill as fuck here. I have the place to myself all day and into the night. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is kind of fading. My sister is not coming home this day. Or any day. I'll never see or hopefully hear from her again. This is my struggle-- last night,
Sitting here having tried (at his behest) this guy's vape pen and higher than god should allow, I felt the deepest longing for any human contact I've ever known. I felt completely alone, and felt as if it would behoove me to walk into the river with stones in my pockets like I felt when I was living with what's her name near 5 Points. That was horrid, more horrid than this current living situation. It wasn't the cockroaches, although I felt those to be horrible, it was the narcissism of the roommate. I can detect that shit now and it makes me depressed and such immediately upon finding it. It's like...
It's like finding out someone you know and like is in the Republican party. It's a big huge red flag and it's going to always depress and horrify me. Like unzipping someone and finding snakes writhing about inside. I know now that my first impressions are spot - on and I need to follow those.
Sammy was ... let's see. Sammy is probably not a narcissist but she's definitely a herd animal and afraid of actually going against the grain. I pegged her wrong, thought she was a rebel and did what she actually wants to but she doesn't. Because I know she felt the same way about me-- but then again, maybe she feels the same way about Ez. Maybe she's a serial monogamist when it comes to the friends she substitutes for her lover who is never there apparently. Whatever. I just think I should have bailed when I started feeling really hurt by her. I should have fucking bailed but I couldn't... because I was so needy. and while I did not expect Sammy to hang out with me she did, and she seemed to want me to come seek HER out for some reason but when I said I could not it ... confused her ? I do not know what she was thinking because she doesn't tell me. So... fuck that. I need people who can tell me their innermost thoughts. Also tell me the truth.
Like did Sammy tell me I was good looking just to assuage my ego? Or did she think I am? I will never know. I don't care right now because who gives a shit what she thinks now. But I am curious and always will be. Why show me pictures of your long tattooed legs stretched out on a hammock; or invite me to peruse all your pictures of you on all social media including you in your underwear... why show me these things freely, knowing how I feel... encouraging it even. Then when it happens that I got attached, it's BAIL OUT. So obviously taunting and teasing then when it has the desired effect that person is bad. Well I don't give a fuck if your'e married, those were some mixed signals. And while I have never cheated, and been with someone who was engaged only once and hate myself for it-- gotta say you knew what you were doing, Sam. Why do I have to pay for this forever? Fuck you.
Where was I. Oh yes. Killing time. Waiting for the heat to dissipate... looks like its' going to hang in there for most of the month. Fucking fuck. I'm eager to get out and about but 'feels like' temps being around 101 degrees I'm like no, let's skip it. That's a bit much. It really is. I'm sucking on B12 and eating like crazy so my body is burning calories and that's making me hot anyway, no need to be out in it. God it's hot. And oh lord....
the pot this guy has. I think I'll stick with what I have. Those cartridges are fucking insane. I can see why people seem to be on harder drugs. Pure pot oil is like... say goodbye to doing anything other than watching the weather channel. Fuck. The establishment is missing a real bet here. You give people that shit once an hour and apparently they will work until the drop, happily, very happily. Dose people with this and they'll just mindlessly move rocks in the mud all day in 100 degrees. fuck.
My roommate is chill as fuck. Never here, and when he is he's solid sleeping from working 14 hour days in the mud. I do his laundry and such happily. I just run around picking up his clothes and putting them in the washing machine. The machine takes like forever, water saver. But it's something I can do for him. I did cook some food: a big pot of chili and a pot of potatoes, making use of what was already here. He did like both! I was happy to hear. He's just working so hard... this guy. Must be about my age, or 60. Loves his job... no doubt because it's his world. I could see myself being this guy and being happy right up until my body gave up and I couldn't do it anymore. He's the born-male version of me had I stayed in Alabama from birth. The red clay mud on his shirts and in the fibers of his socks... it gets into your skin. Red neck... red ankles... red wrists. Red face, red everything. Orange, actually. It all turns a dull shade of orange. Roll fucking tide.
Anyhow it's chill as fuck here. I have the place to myself all day and into the night. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is kind of fading. My sister is not coming home this day. Or any day. I'll never see or hopefully hear from her again. This is my struggle-- last night,
Sitting here having tried (at his behest) this guy's vape pen and higher than god should allow, I felt the deepest longing for any human contact I've ever known. I felt completely alone, and felt as if it would behoove me to walk into the river with stones in my pockets like I felt when I was living with what's her name near 5 Points. That was horrid, more horrid than this current living situation. It wasn't the cockroaches, although I felt those to be horrible, it was the narcissism of the roommate. I can detect that shit now and it makes me depressed and such immediately upon finding it. It's like...
It's like finding out someone you know and like is in the Republican party. It's a big huge red flag and it's going to always depress and horrify me. Like unzipping someone and finding snakes writhing about inside. I know now that my first impressions are spot - on and I need to follow those.
Sammy was ... let's see. Sammy is probably not a narcissist but she's definitely a herd animal and afraid of actually going against the grain. I pegged her wrong, thought she was a rebel and did what she actually wants to but she doesn't. Because I know she felt the same way about me-- but then again, maybe she feels the same way about Ez. Maybe she's a serial monogamist when it comes to the friends she substitutes for her lover who is never there apparently. Whatever. I just think I should have bailed when I started feeling really hurt by her. I should have fucking bailed but I couldn't... because I was so needy. and while I did not expect Sammy to hang out with me she did, and she seemed to want me to come seek HER out for some reason but when I said I could not it ... confused her ? I do not know what she was thinking because she doesn't tell me. So... fuck that. I need people who can tell me their innermost thoughts. Also tell me the truth.
Like did Sammy tell me I was good looking just to assuage my ego? Or did she think I am? I will never know. I don't care right now because who gives a shit what she thinks now. But I am curious and always will be. Why show me pictures of your long tattooed legs stretched out on a hammock; or invite me to peruse all your pictures of you on all social media including you in your underwear... why show me these things freely, knowing how I feel... encouraging it even. Then when it happens that I got attached, it's BAIL OUT. So obviously taunting and teasing then when it has the desired effect that person is bad. Well I don't give a fuck if your'e married, those were some mixed signals. And while I have never cheated, and been with someone who was engaged only once and hate myself for it-- gotta say you knew what you were doing, Sam. Why do I have to pay for this forever? Fuck you.
Where was I. Oh yes. Killing time. Waiting for the heat to dissipate... looks like its' going to hang in there for most of the month. Fucking fuck. I'm eager to get out and about but 'feels like' temps being around 101 degrees I'm like no, let's skip it. That's a bit much. It really is. I'm sucking on B12 and eating like crazy so my body is burning calories and that's making me hot anyway, no need to be out in it. God it's hot. And oh lord....
the pot this guy has. I think I'll stick with what I have. Those cartridges are fucking insane. I can see why people seem to be on harder drugs. Pure pot oil is like... say goodbye to doing anything other than watching the weather channel. Fuck. The establishment is missing a real bet here. You give people that shit once an hour and apparently they will work until the drop, happily, very happily. Dose people with this and they'll just mindlessly move rocks in the mud all day in 100 degrees. fuck.
Nano Wrimo is coming
I have all the time in the world to finally try and complete Nano Wrimo -- if I can just get some discipline going here. I mean, I'm placing B12 lozenges under my tongue like 3x a day now. I feel better. I do. I feel nearly coalesced into something solid and human.
The heat is making it pretty difficult to assess my physical situation as it's just too hot to do anything strenuous. Walking one mile a day is about it until the weather breaks. It's just too much. The parking lot is blacktop too, makes it so much hotter in the immediate area outside the apartment. I'd be out in the parking lot right now making some stencils or something but good lord it has to wait. I have looked into fishing, magnet fishing etc along the creek. The creek is a mile away, a nice jaunt. Soon as the weather permits I'll be magnet fishing. To fish for live fish I have to have a license! OR an Alabama ID. I do not want to get an Alabama ID. I prefer my Arizona ID which doesn't expire until 2027. Ha! Imagine. I have 7 years before I have to fucking worry about going to the DMV again. Why would I trade that for a state ID ? NOT GOING TO.
the next door neighbor... I lost all hope already. Thought it might be fun to have an older, supposedly wiser lesbian living next to me but she's a fucking carbon copy of all the others. Sure I'll give her a chance to redeem herself but it's going to be hard after this morning. I was cleaning out the back shed. There's all kinds of her wood in there from her remodel and she's pretty concerned over it. I was lifting a piece up to examine the nails sticking out of it and she came right up to me and put her damn hands on it and started twisting it, while I had my hands on it. A nail pushed into my bare foot. I asked her to stop and she could not comprehend what I was saying. "PLease stop twisting the board! there's a nail in my foot!" did NOT register. she kept at it. I screwed my face up and took the pain and was glad when she stepped away from me. I don't like being that close to strangers and certainly not people who smoke Pall Malls and own Maltese named Norma Jean (jesus christ can we be any more cliche than naming our stupid pure breed dog after Marilyn Monroe)? I don't like her, she looks like and even sounds like my ex Diane. With the perfect car, the perfect clothes, and the nasty messy brain. No thank you. And stop smoking outside my bedroom window, that's going to stop. Toot fucking sweet. I ain't your typical nice dyke. I'm a trans man, and I stand up for myself and I don't like inhaling your ciggie smoke you coughing shithead. haha! Made a neighbor into an enemy and she doesn't even know it.
I know my proclivity to vilify people before I get to know them. I'm not going to do that this time. I'm going to forgive her and have patience with her. She sent her dog over to me to get to know me and she sent her nephew over too. I'm going to give him the Iron Man toy I found in the dumpster at my sister's. It is a good solid toy with no removable parts and it's really well built. I think he can have a lot of fun with it in the yard. I can put it on the little play lawnmower. I have to ask her first if Iron Man is ok to give though. What if they don't subscribe to super hero movies. I don't know. I really want to get out and about but this heat! Oh god it's brutal. I was loving this summer until this week. It's SEPTEMBER for fucks sake. Anyhow this area is WILD just a few yards past any cleared plot of land. There are tangled wild areas of brush... one could ostensibly make a nice fort in the woods and doubt it would be discovered until they developed it. Might be time for me to make a new fort like when I was kid and have my own place to meditate away from the entire civilized world. Take my knife, take a hatchet. Build a fort.
heh. At 57, learning how to be a human for the first time. Welcome to my childhood, which was stolen from me at approximately 7 when Ev walked into my bedroom shaking his dick at my face and forcing me to do things. Time to stand up to men, stand up to evil. All across the board.
The heat is making it pretty difficult to assess my physical situation as it's just too hot to do anything strenuous. Walking one mile a day is about it until the weather breaks. It's just too much. The parking lot is blacktop too, makes it so much hotter in the immediate area outside the apartment. I'd be out in the parking lot right now making some stencils or something but good lord it has to wait. I have looked into fishing, magnet fishing etc along the creek. The creek is a mile away, a nice jaunt. Soon as the weather permits I'll be magnet fishing. To fish for live fish I have to have a license! OR an Alabama ID. I do not want to get an Alabama ID. I prefer my Arizona ID which doesn't expire until 2027. Ha! Imagine. I have 7 years before I have to fucking worry about going to the DMV again. Why would I trade that for a state ID ? NOT GOING TO.
the next door neighbor... I lost all hope already. Thought it might be fun to have an older, supposedly wiser lesbian living next to me but she's a fucking carbon copy of all the others. Sure I'll give her a chance to redeem herself but it's going to be hard after this morning. I was cleaning out the back shed. There's all kinds of her wood in there from her remodel and she's pretty concerned over it. I was lifting a piece up to examine the nails sticking out of it and she came right up to me and put her damn hands on it and started twisting it, while I had my hands on it. A nail pushed into my bare foot. I asked her to stop and she could not comprehend what I was saying. "PLease stop twisting the board! there's a nail in my foot!" did NOT register. she kept at it. I screwed my face up and took the pain and was glad when she stepped away from me. I don't like being that close to strangers and certainly not people who smoke Pall Malls and own Maltese named Norma Jean (jesus christ can we be any more cliche than naming our stupid pure breed dog after Marilyn Monroe)? I don't like her, she looks like and even sounds like my ex Diane. With the perfect car, the perfect clothes, and the nasty messy brain. No thank you. And stop smoking outside my bedroom window, that's going to stop. Toot fucking sweet. I ain't your typical nice dyke. I'm a trans man, and I stand up for myself and I don't like inhaling your ciggie smoke you coughing shithead. haha! Made a neighbor into an enemy and she doesn't even know it.
I know my proclivity to vilify people before I get to know them. I'm not going to do that this time. I'm going to forgive her and have patience with her. She sent her dog over to me to get to know me and she sent her nephew over too. I'm going to give him the Iron Man toy I found in the dumpster at my sister's. It is a good solid toy with no removable parts and it's really well built. I think he can have a lot of fun with it in the yard. I can put it on the little play lawnmower. I have to ask her first if Iron Man is ok to give though. What if they don't subscribe to super hero movies. I don't know. I really want to get out and about but this heat! Oh god it's brutal. I was loving this summer until this week. It's SEPTEMBER for fucks sake. Anyhow this area is WILD just a few yards past any cleared plot of land. There are tangled wild areas of brush... one could ostensibly make a nice fort in the woods and doubt it would be discovered until they developed it. Might be time for me to make a new fort like when I was kid and have my own place to meditate away from the entire civilized world. Take my knife, take a hatchet. Build a fort.
heh. At 57, learning how to be a human for the first time. Welcome to my childhood, which was stolen from me at approximately 7 when Ev walked into my bedroom shaking his dick at my face and forcing me to do things. Time to stand up to men, stand up to evil. All across the board.
Yeah it WAS actually all my fault
There was that time earlier in the year when I had been playing with Sammy every day almost and then she stopped and went to play the other game mode. That is the moment I felt BAD, and hurt. That is the moment I knew something was very wrong. That is the moment I should have left. I should have left the discord THEN. Quietly.
Instead I burned down so many bridges and now they all speak of my badly when and if they ever do. They managed to cut me out surgically because I spoke the truth to them. This is what narcissists do. They use someone like me to find each other then they pile it on and cut me out. I'm like a magnet. Its so fucked.
Instead I burned down so many bridges and now they all speak of my badly when and if they ever do. They managed to cut me out surgically because I spoke the truth to them. This is what narcissists do. They use someone like me to find each other then they pile it on and cut me out. I'm like a magnet. Its so fucked.
Tuesday, September 3, 2019
What a morning!
Internet was out, roommate didn't pay the bill. I panicked but he called me and asked me to pay it, he'll give me cash when he gets home. I hope he does. If not I'm taking it off next months' rent. It was 250 bucks.
I feel pretty good today. went and mailed my letter, had a little walk, now resting, got banned from Facebook for a week for a post I made. Made a new account. Will not add so many people to this one. Will pick and choose only select few leftists.
The apartment is shaping up. I will leave here asap but want to leave it 10x nicer than when I arrived, as I usually try to do. Except at my sister's where I left some boxes and a bed for her to deal with. Fuck her.
I made breakfast-- need to buy some bacon though. Eggs & toast, the jam was exquisite. Thank you Aldi's for the really good blackberry jam. I needed that with my Irish Butter. Too bad it wasn't a scone but white toast is ok for now. I should attempt to make scones.
Gotta get a chair for sitting outside. I can't bring myself to ask the weird dyke next door if I can use one of hers. She seems awful fucking JUDGY!
I feel pretty good today. went and mailed my letter, had a little walk, now resting, got banned from Facebook for a week for a post I made. Made a new account. Will not add so many people to this one. Will pick and choose only select few leftists.
The apartment is shaping up. I will leave here asap but want to leave it 10x nicer than when I arrived, as I usually try to do. Except at my sister's where I left some boxes and a bed for her to deal with. Fuck her.
I made breakfast-- need to buy some bacon though. Eggs & toast, the jam was exquisite. Thank you Aldi's for the really good blackberry jam. I needed that with my Irish Butter. Too bad it wasn't a scone but white toast is ok for now. I should attempt to make scones.
Gotta get a chair for sitting outside. I can't bring myself to ask the weird dyke next door if I can use one of hers. She seems awful fucking JUDGY!
Monday, September 2, 2019
Out with the old and in with the ... old?
Totally set K free today. I feel ambivalent about it. I felt worse letting Sammy go. What does that say about my relationship with K!? It says it was often tense, often strained, often one sided. How many times did I kiss her ass and tell her how wonderful she was, and how she's my bff etc, only to get NOTHING in return. Why did I-- why. Look, K, I took it as far as I could. My shedding of people is necessary for me to make room for new folk. I'm glad you're politically active, however that must look in your weird paranoid world. But to have to encrypt every e-mail I send just because it mentions Antifa; like the NSA doesn't already have my address, phone number and if they take me down they'll come question you no doubt. But you ain't done shit. Or have you?
I just got banned from Facebook for 7 days. Someone reported my video that showed 200,000 American Nazis gathering at Madison Square Garden back during World War 2. Because the screenshot has a swastika on it. Some democrat reported me. Now, tell me I'm wrong about liberals. The women in my super secret sub-reddit shitting all over me for my politics. I had the fear of god coming out as trans in there and what is the issue that actually takes me down: politics. Like, you idiots, what good trans person would NOT be a lefty right now? Der.
And so B. and I have been getting along well via message and email , she's been smothering me with concern. Then M. and I had a lovely conversation on the PHONE of all things, for a good hour at least. And we talked Communism, Marx, Socialism, Unions, etc. and not once did either of us become paranoid. We came to the conclusion that K.'s company must be hella scary to work for if all political comms between us needed to be encrypted. That got old. I set her free. I am totally out in the world alone right now and it feels refreshing. I have a few anchors, a few people to keep me sane via phone/email. Otherwise, I am free-floating. Just need to get to Portland before school starts. I got this.
**********
Made new gaymer friends; I feel like this purge is going nicely. I need new friends, woke friends, revolutionary friends. I got me two today! This is great. I want to retool my life.
I just got banned from Facebook for 7 days. Someone reported my video that showed 200,000 American Nazis gathering at Madison Square Garden back during World War 2. Because the screenshot has a swastika on it. Some democrat reported me. Now, tell me I'm wrong about liberals. The women in my super secret sub-reddit shitting all over me for my politics. I had the fear of god coming out as trans in there and what is the issue that actually takes me down: politics. Like, you idiots, what good trans person would NOT be a lefty right now? Der.
And so B. and I have been getting along well via message and email , she's been smothering me with concern. Then M. and I had a lovely conversation on the PHONE of all things, for a good hour at least. And we talked Communism, Marx, Socialism, Unions, etc. and not once did either of us become paranoid. We came to the conclusion that K.'s company must be hella scary to work for if all political comms between us needed to be encrypted. That got old. I set her free. I am totally out in the world alone right now and it feels refreshing. I have a few anchors, a few people to keep me sane via phone/email. Otherwise, I am free-floating. Just need to get to Portland before school starts. I got this.
**********
Made new gaymer friends; I feel like this purge is going nicely. I need new friends, woke friends, revolutionary friends. I got me two today! This is great. I want to retool my life.
Saturday, August 31, 2019
Difficulty
Mainly I'm concerned over K not answering me. One thing for people like S to ditch me but K?
S is like, man she's just wanting some in-game relationship to fill her void and I fit the bill until I didn't then E came along and well, that's perfect , the two don't need to talk about anything uncomfortable. Fuck the pussies. They're both pussies so fuck them both. Fuck that noise. I'm glad to be free.
*********
I got to think about it lately. There was a definite back and forth, it was a relationship, she felt trapped, left me hanging, I got upset, it added to my already declining mental state, I fucked up by not paying attention to the first red flags, and so here I am missing someone I don't even really like when I think about how flip floppy they are and how hurtful in the end.
Fucking conservative centrists and namby pamby non-involved capitalist consumerist fucks.
I woke up angry about this. S & E deserve each other. Lazy, scared little rabbits, stuck in their hidey-holes, only doing what they think will be perceived as ok by their controlling husbands. Making it look like everything is ok when it's not. Living out their fantasy lives in a game. Getting what they do not get from their husbands, from each other, and I fell for it for a time... yeah I totally thought S was intelligent as hell and capable of understanding but she ain't shit. Feeling like I got duped. Mad. Because I'm the bad guy and I gave her the perfect out by losing my shit over the relationship. E was waiting in the wings for me to bail. And she was no doubt happy as fuck when I turned people against me. Jumped right into the void and never looked back. these people are predictable, stupid and sheeplike. I'm done with these types.
Watch them sit comfortably in their lavish homes eating bon bons and enjoying the latest music videos while someone they previously purported to love goes without friendship, love or support -- this is fucked. Fuck these people. Of course I'm upset. Because of their fake ass shit. They get to sit back and say "Zed's crazy, of course we were right to cut ties" when in fact, they are scared, white bread fucking selfish twats. Fuck those people. They are actually the problem.
And fuck me for thinking they are smart, and kind, when they are actually just trying to make themselves look good and get in a clique where they are the exulted one, and anything that upsets their world gets booted. Fuck them. Fuck you S and fuck you E.
S is like, man she's just wanting some in-game relationship to fill her void and I fit the bill until I didn't then E came along and well, that's perfect , the two don't need to talk about anything uncomfortable. Fuck the pussies. They're both pussies so fuck them both. Fuck that noise. I'm glad to be free.
*********
I got to think about it lately. There was a definite back and forth, it was a relationship, she felt trapped, left me hanging, I got upset, it added to my already declining mental state, I fucked up by not paying attention to the first red flags, and so here I am missing someone I don't even really like when I think about how flip floppy they are and how hurtful in the end.
Fucking conservative centrists and namby pamby non-involved capitalist consumerist fucks.
I woke up angry about this. S & E deserve each other. Lazy, scared little rabbits, stuck in their hidey-holes, only doing what they think will be perceived as ok by their controlling husbands. Making it look like everything is ok when it's not. Living out their fantasy lives in a game. Getting what they do not get from their husbands, from each other, and I fell for it for a time... yeah I totally thought S was intelligent as hell and capable of understanding but she ain't shit. Feeling like I got duped. Mad. Because I'm the bad guy and I gave her the perfect out by losing my shit over the relationship. E was waiting in the wings for me to bail. And she was no doubt happy as fuck when I turned people against me. Jumped right into the void and never looked back. these people are predictable, stupid and sheeplike. I'm done with these types.
Watch them sit comfortably in their lavish homes eating bon bons and enjoying the latest music videos while someone they previously purported to love goes without friendship, love or support -- this is fucked. Fuck these people. Of course I'm upset. Because of their fake ass shit. They get to sit back and say "Zed's crazy, of course we were right to cut ties" when in fact, they are scared, white bread fucking selfish twats. Fuck those people. They are actually the problem.
And fuck me for thinking they are smart, and kind, when they are actually just trying to make themselves look good and get in a clique where they are the exulted one, and anything that upsets their world gets booted. Fuck them. Fuck you S and fuck you E.
Friday, August 30, 2019
The FINAL DIAGNOSIS!
... malnutrition. To be perfectly honest, I thought that my feelings for S. is what started the whole not eating thing. I did think that. Because I was not eating about that time and dropping weight even then. From the point where I started dropping weight , going back to calculate as best I can, I have been losing about 3-5 pounds per week. And not noticing because I kept wearing the same baggy clothing every day. Then one day for no reason at all I tried on a pair of pants from my past. And they were baggy. And I nearly fainted-- surely I must have cancer, I thought.
The decision to move must have exacerbated my condition. Already weak and confused from lack of nutrition, the anxiety and stress of the impending move and my sister's increasing OCD and narcissism ... and I'm the only one who could SEE THAT SHIT, literally NO ONE ELSE ever sees it. To the rest of the world I am an asshole who hides in their room and only comes out now and then to slap their sister.
Fuck I'm having hot flashes again. But that means I'm getting better. I was cold as fuck for a while. I drank like 6 protein shakes earlier, ate half a fish sandwich and some fries. It's so odd. The smell of the food-- I love BK, I used to work there. Never got sick of the fish sandwich. Haven't had one for ages and ages. Smelled it, bit into it, regretted it. No taste, and soon as it is in my mouth I want to spit it out. It's an involuntary response! What kind of sick ass god makes it so a malnourished person doesn't want to eat? Is that to cull the herd better? I was starving in my own bedroom with food just feet away. I thought I had a crush so big it made me not want to eat. Then i thought I had diabetes/blood clot. I thought I had a brain tumor.
I was just not nourished. This fucking takes the fucking cake. Jesus Christ. Now I've been sitting here playing Fallout 76 for hours and sometimes forgetting where I am, which is nice. There's so much to do here. Endless hours of cleaning. Neighbors to meet (they're all quite friendly), Aldi to explore.
I'd been looking forward to meeting the next door neighbor because Mike said she was just like me only taller. I thought, oo you never know (hope springs eternal)... it's funny too when he said she was tall I imagined my ex Diane. And when I met my next door neighbor I was kind of stunned by how much she looks like Diane, and that is not a good thing.
Went out the back door to clean up the garden this morning and looked and saw her sitting there on her side... and she sort of aggressively said "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" as I cleaned up Mike's side. (My side. Our side). (Why you would question anyone who was doing cleaning , I'll never know).
She asked me what my name was and couldn't wrap her mind around it. It's not the first time -- this happens a LOT. I tell them "ZED" and they tilt their head like a dog hearing a high pitched noise and say " how do you say that?" and "What kind of name is that?" These people have never heard the word ZED. Not in a video game, or in a movie, or heard a Brit recite the alphabet in its entirety. That right there told me that me and nextie aren't going to be fast friends.
The decision to move must have exacerbated my condition. Already weak and confused from lack of nutrition, the anxiety and stress of the impending move and my sister's increasing OCD and narcissism ... and I'm the only one who could SEE THAT SHIT, literally NO ONE ELSE ever sees it. To the rest of the world I am an asshole who hides in their room and only comes out now and then to slap their sister.
Fuck I'm having hot flashes again. But that means I'm getting better. I was cold as fuck for a while. I drank like 6 protein shakes earlier, ate half a fish sandwich and some fries. It's so odd. The smell of the food-- I love BK, I used to work there. Never got sick of the fish sandwich. Haven't had one for ages and ages. Smelled it, bit into it, regretted it. No taste, and soon as it is in my mouth I want to spit it out. It's an involuntary response! What kind of sick ass god makes it so a malnourished person doesn't want to eat? Is that to cull the herd better? I was starving in my own bedroom with food just feet away. I thought I had a crush so big it made me not want to eat. Then i thought I had diabetes/blood clot. I thought I had a brain tumor.
I was just not nourished. This fucking takes the fucking cake. Jesus Christ. Now I've been sitting here playing Fallout 76 for hours and sometimes forgetting where I am, which is nice. There's so much to do here. Endless hours of cleaning. Neighbors to meet (they're all quite friendly), Aldi to explore.
I'd been looking forward to meeting the next door neighbor because Mike said she was just like me only taller. I thought, oo you never know (hope springs eternal)... it's funny too when he said she was tall I imagined my ex Diane. And when I met my next door neighbor I was kind of stunned by how much she looks like Diane, and that is not a good thing.
Went out the back door to clean up the garden this morning and looked and saw her sitting there on her side... and she sort of aggressively said "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" as I cleaned up Mike's side. (My side. Our side). (Why you would question anyone who was doing cleaning , I'll never know).
She asked me what my name was and couldn't wrap her mind around it. It's not the first time -- this happens a LOT. I tell them "ZED" and they tilt their head like a dog hearing a high pitched noise and say " how do you say that?" and "What kind of name is that?" These people have never heard the word ZED. Not in a video game, or in a movie, or heard a Brit recite the alphabet in its entirety. That right there told me that me and nextie aren't going to be fast friends.
Thursday, August 29, 2019
It is done.
I'm going to have to order a lapboard ... no room in here for a desk or anything. But I got my computer set up, and I think I will play some Fallout 76, to settle my nerves.
I told Mikey I'd pay him 400 today, the balance of the rent after the deposit. Minus the ... 15 for gas, ok so. I walked to ALDI which is like 1/20 of a mile away and I thought I was going to fall down. I have not been this tired since boot camp at Fort Leonard Wood. Every fiber of my poor being is shredded. Even my back hurts. I have done no physical labor in 4 years. I'm nothing but skin and bone now with just some old flab and old muscle flapping and wow it's hard out here like that. But struggling up the hill there, that tiny hill-- I remembered Chicago; and living in Pilsen. Hoo boy I was not ready then. Now I'd be in hog heaven... but I was so terrified of being in Pilsen and walking to the trains. Daily of a morning I'd be chugging through the wind or rain trying to get to the train praying no one would kill me outright. How ridiculous.
Well if Mike wants the rest he can tote me over to Walmart. Good god I think I'll be getting an accent before I leave here. I really really wish I was in Portland but now I know one fact: I'd have died if I had tried to move these boxes and all in the Portland heat, down from K's garage loft. I'd have not been able to. I'd be laying out right now just given up. Good thing I did not go try to punch a nazi before I got back into shape.
The Greenway is right down the road and there's a bike path that goes all the way to the river. Now, I have absolutely ZERO excuses to NOT FISH. Haha, at last, something to do. I'm going to get myself in shape enough to ride the bike to the river and fish. While saving up for a place in Portland.
I had 2000 dollars earlier today. I now have half that. Between my sister asking for 200 more and the moving guy and getting a new phone plan and Uber and paying this place it's going fast as fuck. If it wasn't for M I'd be going hungry for a long while.
Sure wish I was better organized at packing , now I can't find anything. I need to trim my fingernails badly. And-- wow, how odd it is to fit every single thing you own into one room.
I told Mikey I'd pay him 400 today, the balance of the rent after the deposit. Minus the ... 15 for gas, ok so. I walked to ALDI which is like 1/20 of a mile away and I thought I was going to fall down. I have not been this tired since boot camp at Fort Leonard Wood. Every fiber of my poor being is shredded. Even my back hurts. I have done no physical labor in 4 years. I'm nothing but skin and bone now with just some old flab and old muscle flapping and wow it's hard out here like that. But struggling up the hill there, that tiny hill-- I remembered Chicago; and living in Pilsen. Hoo boy I was not ready then. Now I'd be in hog heaven... but I was so terrified of being in Pilsen and walking to the trains. Daily of a morning I'd be chugging through the wind or rain trying to get to the train praying no one would kill me outright. How ridiculous.
Well if Mike wants the rest he can tote me over to Walmart. Good god I think I'll be getting an accent before I leave here. I really really wish I was in Portland but now I know one fact: I'd have died if I had tried to move these boxes and all in the Portland heat, down from K's garage loft. I'd have not been able to. I'd be laying out right now just given up. Good thing I did not go try to punch a nazi before I got back into shape.
The Greenway is right down the road and there's a bike path that goes all the way to the river. Now, I have absolutely ZERO excuses to NOT FISH. Haha, at last, something to do. I'm going to get myself in shape enough to ride the bike to the river and fish. While saving up for a place in Portland.
I had 2000 dollars earlier today. I now have half that. Between my sister asking for 200 more and the moving guy and getting a new phone plan and Uber and paying this place it's going fast as fuck. If it wasn't for M I'd be going hungry for a long while.
Sure wish I was better organized at packing , now I can't find anything. I need to trim my fingernails badly. And-- wow, how odd it is to fit every single thing you own into one room.
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