I was on the fence about the tattoo but then the universe plopped a tattoo artist down in my lap so looks like it's happening after all. A tattoo to remember this year by. The worst and most informative year of my life.
Summed up by a tattoo that says MOUNTAIN HONEY. I cannot wait. Where should I put it. HHmmmm
Saturday, September 7, 2019
Who the fuck is this girl downstairs
My roommate is about my age, a man who works construction. I know nothing about his family or friends. There is a young woman downstairs and I do not know if she is a prostitute or a friend or his daughter or what. I made her coffee and talked to her a bit, she's as uneducated as a rock. In fact a rock would have been on the earth long enough to absorb more information. We could not be two more different people. She's sitting on the couch texting, writing something in a notebook... could she be in High School? holy fuck. she's been smoking all day inside. I have a terrible headache from it. TOO HOT outside. I have the fan pointed at my door. My serenity has been BROACHED. Oh well.
Had a nice talk on the phone with an ex. I wish I'd been more mature when we were together. I had so much to learn from her and had to go learn it on my own, she could have and would have saved me so much time. It really is too bad we had to go our separate ways for so long to come to the conclusion we make good friends. She is pro- WARREN though and I have to nip that in the bud. Listening to her drive around Brooklyn looking for a street vendor in order to buy a cousin a home made gift is absolutely heart warming. Being a huge fan of street vendor art and products I heartily approve. I really wish I was rich and could just pop up for a visit. I really did want to meet her mother. I keep my eyes on airfare. Just in case. This would be a nice time to have a credit card. Brooklyn in the fall. Maybe I can swing it. Although she's headed into High Holy Days. Might be too tight.
Had a nice talk on the phone with an ex. I wish I'd been more mature when we were together. I had so much to learn from her and had to go learn it on my own, she could have and would have saved me so much time. It really is too bad we had to go our separate ways for so long to come to the conclusion we make good friends. She is pro- WARREN though and I have to nip that in the bud. Listening to her drive around Brooklyn looking for a street vendor in order to buy a cousin a home made gift is absolutely heart warming. Being a huge fan of street vendor art and products I heartily approve. I really wish I was rich and could just pop up for a visit. I really did want to meet her mother. I keep my eyes on airfare. Just in case. This would be a nice time to have a credit card. Brooklyn in the fall. Maybe I can swing it. Although she's headed into High Holy Days. Might be too tight.
Friday, September 6, 2019
No Seriously. I need to listen to pay attention to red flags
She made fun of me for using mods in Fallout 4. Dismissed me rudely about it, saying it was 'cheating'. When in fact it is merely manipulating the game to do things we want it to. Things she would have liked it to do. This was my first red flag and I did not understand it at the time but now I do. This is the way substanceless people go about their day. Pretending to know something about something and lying and subterfuge when it comes to brass tacks. They ride on my back all the way to the top then oust me every time because I won't stand up for myself. Just like my sister who could not break into theater or rugby on her own but when I joined, she joined, and took over the club or organization and alienated me from both of those. And now she can sit around pretending to be a stage manager when she's just sitting there keeping track of everyone, shittiest director's assistant in town and hasn't even acted herself in decades. Just like S. Pretending to be this or that but in truth, just a sad, lonely husk of a person. Why do I elevate these losers. I think it's because they have the trappings of 'success' but they also have the stink of desperation about them.
She's wrong and she knows it. She's unhappy and she knows it. She's a fake, a fraud, a liar. And she knows it. Me, I'd let her come up behind me and fall in step with me where she belongs but she won't. She'll stay in that whitewashed boring shit life, same as before. same as it ever was. While I go exploring, adventuring. In real life. come see me in real life you chicken shit. Talking about how you can never come to the US because your husband smokes pot. OMG. Fuck off with that noise and just hop a plane and go to the US and stop holding that shit over people's heads. Do you purposely pick people from the US so you can't visit them? Is your husband using a keylogger on you or what? Something ain't right over there.
She's wrong and she knows it. She's unhappy and she knows it. She's a fake, a fraud, a liar. And she knows it. Me, I'd let her come up behind me and fall in step with me where she belongs but she won't. She'll stay in that whitewashed boring shit life, same as before. same as it ever was. While I go exploring, adventuring. In real life. come see me in real life you chicken shit. Talking about how you can never come to the US because your husband smokes pot. OMG. Fuck off with that noise and just hop a plane and go to the US and stop holding that shit over people's heads. Do you purposely pick people from the US so you can't visit them? Is your husband using a keylogger on you or what? Something ain't right over there.
Thursday, September 5, 2019
Smart & Resourceful
The vitamin B12 seems to have been the TICKET. Bruises faded fast, toe healing, brain feeling great, get this: my once always erect nipples have gone soft for the first time in ... like 20 or so years ... ? All this time it was a B12 deficiency that plagued me? Holy cow. I even did 5 push ups. Have to go really slow & careful with recovering and then building muscle. they were not full push ups either but as good as my first attempt when trying to get into the military at the age of 32. I'm going to push myself to qualify for what would have been my 20th or so year in the military had I stayed. Pushups, situps, 2 mile run. That is my goal. Soon as it dips below 75 during the day! No way I can run or even walk fast in this shit. Even early morning has been muggy as fuck. Except this morning, I hear. Thinking it would be muggy, I slept until nearly 7 then stayed in bed another few hours reading. I did go outside to check the mail but it was beautiful. Not muggy... it was a perfectly dry hot day and felt so good. I can't remember a HOT summer's day feeling so good on my skin... and I said as much to the lady from the corner apartment... Lois. the one who loaned me the stamp... I said "Doesn't this summer remind you of how it used to be, back in the day when we were kids... and played outside in the sun and it never seemed so terribly hot like it is now... " and she said "I had to be out in the fields pulling cotton, when I was a kid". This woman is white. I did not know what to say to that. For some reason I said " I had to work on a horse ranch" but that sounds better for some reason. It might have seemed so as a kid, at the time. But the far reaching implications of it ... no one wants to have what I have as a result.
I sat on my headphones and broke the left ear. They wouldn't sit tight on my head anymore. So without a second thought I got my elastic exercise band and wrapped it around my headphone ear cups, tied it at the back like an Apache. Problem solved. I'm a bloody thrifty fucking genius and will be very helpful in the post apocalyptic world. I do know a lot about survival. Not like that YouTube guy but more than your average Joe. And I say all that while remembering I do not have any weather-proof matches in my go bag. WTF Zed. You ordered a book on Marx before you ordered personal survival supplies. What kind of card -carrying commie are you. Idiot! So it's easy to make your own survival matches...
Buy some strike-anywhere matches, dip the match in hot wax up to the middle of the matchstick. Put them all back in the box, put the box in a ziplock bag. Also have one of those striker thingys, it's good to have multiple ways. I have bic lighters. Not the best choice in the world. Better than nothing at all.
In the coming weeks I will be sorting through my belongings and only taking the absolute necessities. I will be probably making one box of mementoes and trying to find someone to hold on to them for me until I get settled. My rugby jerseys, my leather, my t-shirts. My boots. I refuse to get rid of my horse riding boots. Just in case. One never knows.
I'll be saving up money.
I sat on my headphones and broke the left ear. They wouldn't sit tight on my head anymore. So without a second thought I got my elastic exercise band and wrapped it around my headphone ear cups, tied it at the back like an Apache. Problem solved. I'm a bloody thrifty fucking genius and will be very helpful in the post apocalyptic world. I do know a lot about survival. Not like that YouTube guy but more than your average Joe. And I say all that while remembering I do not have any weather-proof matches in my go bag. WTF Zed. You ordered a book on Marx before you ordered personal survival supplies. What kind of card -carrying commie are you. Idiot! So it's easy to make your own survival matches...
Buy some strike-anywhere matches, dip the match in hot wax up to the middle of the matchstick. Put them all back in the box, put the box in a ziplock bag. Also have one of those striker thingys, it's good to have multiple ways. I have bic lighters. Not the best choice in the world. Better than nothing at all.
In the coming weeks I will be sorting through my belongings and only taking the absolute necessities. I will be probably making one box of mementoes and trying to find someone to hold on to them for me until I get settled. My rugby jerseys, my leather, my t-shirts. My boots. I refuse to get rid of my horse riding boots. Just in case. One never knows.
I'll be saving up money.
Talked myself through it
There was a bad moment last night; I had tried the cartridge and went one toke over the line, sweet jesus. I have never felt so all alone-- no mother, no father. No sister, no brother. No anyone except my lovely cousin in Scotland. Luke, you are my entire family now.
I felt alone, and wondered why I should go on. Wondered what the point was. Imagined myself very old and very frail and hungry and covered in shit, as one does when one is poor and growing older. Sentiment that my old punk friends that overdosed were the lucky ones. Graves, Preston.. you missed out on wondering if the entire world was going to starve and burn in your life time! Lucky devils.
But I talked myself through it. Knowing I found the perfect spot for me to heal in, having trusted the universe to grant me sanctuary! I leapt and the bridge appeared. Some say net but who wants to fall into a net? I say bridge. The bridge that appears like in that Indiana Jones movie. This is a good reminder, I told myself, that when the time comes, the bridge will also appear in Portland. Yes, yes it will. Saving of money is all that comes now. I will be my own hero, and land in Portland in time to go back to college, come hell or high water. I talked myself through this horrible panic attack last night and I can do it again. I do not need parents or siblings. I need friends. And I need friends that 'get it'. I will tell people straight up from now on. . . you want to be my friend? Great. Just promise to not bail if it gets shitty. Just come back in a while. And don't taunt me if you don't want me to fall in lust. Just don't. Because I do.
I felt alone, and wondered why I should go on. Wondered what the point was. Imagined myself very old and very frail and hungry and covered in shit, as one does when one is poor and growing older. Sentiment that my old punk friends that overdosed were the lucky ones. Graves, Preston.. you missed out on wondering if the entire world was going to starve and burn in your life time! Lucky devils.
But I talked myself through it. Knowing I found the perfect spot for me to heal in, having trusted the universe to grant me sanctuary! I leapt and the bridge appeared. Some say net but who wants to fall into a net? I say bridge. The bridge that appears like in that Indiana Jones movie. This is a good reminder, I told myself, that when the time comes, the bridge will also appear in Portland. Yes, yes it will. Saving of money is all that comes now. I will be my own hero, and land in Portland in time to go back to college, come hell or high water. I talked myself through this horrible panic attack last night and I can do it again. I do not need parents or siblings. I need friends. And I need friends that 'get it'. I will tell people straight up from now on. . . you want to be my friend? Great. Just promise to not bail if it gets shitty. Just come back in a while. And don't taunt me if you don't want me to fall in lust. Just don't. Because I do.
Dear Andy Ngo (or NO - GO as I like to call him)
The Rolling Stone agrees with me. I think maybe it's not enough for everyone to agree with me because it's not like the world's most trusted journalist or anything but. They do have some weight. And they say the same thing I have been saying all along-- that you made this shit up. That you side with the FASCISTS and were inciting violence with your LIES and you are just a cunt like the PROUD BOYS and Prayer Saints or whatever the fuck they call themselves. Nationalists. what fucking idiot of a journalist sides with the fascists? You dumb fucking twat. You just borked yourself from ever getting any kind of real journalism award. Especially posthumously. Because you aligned yourself with the bad guys.
Andy's CUM SHOT (there was no concrete, but there might have been jizz)
Andy's CUM SHOT (there was no concrete, but there might have been jizz)
Killing Time
Well another case of "Jesus Christ why can't I have THIS living situation only in Portland? "
My roommate is chill as fuck. Never here, and when he is he's solid sleeping from working 14 hour days in the mud. I do his laundry and such happily. I just run around picking up his clothes and putting them in the washing machine. The machine takes like forever, water saver. But it's something I can do for him. I did cook some food: a big pot of chili and a pot of potatoes, making use of what was already here. He did like both! I was happy to hear. He's just working so hard... this guy. Must be about my age, or 60. Loves his job... no doubt because it's his world. I could see myself being this guy and being happy right up until my body gave up and I couldn't do it anymore. He's the born-male version of me had I stayed in Alabama from birth. The red clay mud on his shirts and in the fibers of his socks... it gets into your skin. Red neck... red ankles... red wrists. Red face, red everything. Orange, actually. It all turns a dull shade of orange. Roll fucking tide.
Anyhow it's chill as fuck here. I have the place to myself all day and into the night. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is kind of fading. My sister is not coming home this day. Or any day. I'll never see or hopefully hear from her again. This is my struggle-- last night,
Sitting here having tried (at his behest) this guy's vape pen and higher than god should allow, I felt the deepest longing for any human contact I've ever known. I felt completely alone, and felt as if it would behoove me to walk into the river with stones in my pockets like I felt when I was living with what's her name near 5 Points. That was horrid, more horrid than this current living situation. It wasn't the cockroaches, although I felt those to be horrible, it was the narcissism of the roommate. I can detect that shit now and it makes me depressed and such immediately upon finding it. It's like...
It's like finding out someone you know and like is in the Republican party. It's a big huge red flag and it's going to always depress and horrify me. Like unzipping someone and finding snakes writhing about inside. I know now that my first impressions are spot - on and I need to follow those.
Sammy was ... let's see. Sammy is probably not a narcissist but she's definitely a herd animal and afraid of actually going against the grain. I pegged her wrong, thought she was a rebel and did what she actually wants to but she doesn't. Because I know she felt the same way about me-- but then again, maybe she feels the same way about Ez. Maybe she's a serial monogamist when it comes to the friends she substitutes for her lover who is never there apparently. Whatever. I just think I should have bailed when I started feeling really hurt by her. I should have fucking bailed but I couldn't... because I was so needy. and while I did not expect Sammy to hang out with me she did, and she seemed to want me to come seek HER out for some reason but when I said I could not it ... confused her ? I do not know what she was thinking because she doesn't tell me. So... fuck that. I need people who can tell me their innermost thoughts. Also tell me the truth.
Like did Sammy tell me I was good looking just to assuage my ego? Or did she think I am? I will never know. I don't care right now because who gives a shit what she thinks now. But I am curious and always will be. Why show me pictures of your long tattooed legs stretched out on a hammock; or invite me to peruse all your pictures of you on all social media including you in your underwear... why show me these things freely, knowing how I feel... encouraging it even. Then when it happens that I got attached, it's BAIL OUT. So obviously taunting and teasing then when it has the desired effect that person is bad. Well I don't give a fuck if your'e married, those were some mixed signals. And while I have never cheated, and been with someone who was engaged only once and hate myself for it-- gotta say you knew what you were doing, Sam. Why do I have to pay for this forever? Fuck you.
Where was I. Oh yes. Killing time. Waiting for the heat to dissipate... looks like its' going to hang in there for most of the month. Fucking fuck. I'm eager to get out and about but 'feels like' temps being around 101 degrees I'm like no, let's skip it. That's a bit much. It really is. I'm sucking on B12 and eating like crazy so my body is burning calories and that's making me hot anyway, no need to be out in it. God it's hot. And oh lord....
the pot this guy has. I think I'll stick with what I have. Those cartridges are fucking insane. I can see why people seem to be on harder drugs. Pure pot oil is like... say goodbye to doing anything other than watching the weather channel. Fuck. The establishment is missing a real bet here. You give people that shit once an hour and apparently they will work until the drop, happily, very happily. Dose people with this and they'll just mindlessly move rocks in the mud all day in 100 degrees. fuck.
My roommate is chill as fuck. Never here, and when he is he's solid sleeping from working 14 hour days in the mud. I do his laundry and such happily. I just run around picking up his clothes and putting them in the washing machine. The machine takes like forever, water saver. But it's something I can do for him. I did cook some food: a big pot of chili and a pot of potatoes, making use of what was already here. He did like both! I was happy to hear. He's just working so hard... this guy. Must be about my age, or 60. Loves his job... no doubt because it's his world. I could see myself being this guy and being happy right up until my body gave up and I couldn't do it anymore. He's the born-male version of me had I stayed in Alabama from birth. The red clay mud on his shirts and in the fibers of his socks... it gets into your skin. Red neck... red ankles... red wrists. Red face, red everything. Orange, actually. It all turns a dull shade of orange. Roll fucking tide.
Anyhow it's chill as fuck here. I have the place to myself all day and into the night. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is kind of fading. My sister is not coming home this day. Or any day. I'll never see or hopefully hear from her again. This is my struggle-- last night,
Sitting here having tried (at his behest) this guy's vape pen and higher than god should allow, I felt the deepest longing for any human contact I've ever known. I felt completely alone, and felt as if it would behoove me to walk into the river with stones in my pockets like I felt when I was living with what's her name near 5 Points. That was horrid, more horrid than this current living situation. It wasn't the cockroaches, although I felt those to be horrible, it was the narcissism of the roommate. I can detect that shit now and it makes me depressed and such immediately upon finding it. It's like...
It's like finding out someone you know and like is in the Republican party. It's a big huge red flag and it's going to always depress and horrify me. Like unzipping someone and finding snakes writhing about inside. I know now that my first impressions are spot - on and I need to follow those.
Sammy was ... let's see. Sammy is probably not a narcissist but she's definitely a herd animal and afraid of actually going against the grain. I pegged her wrong, thought she was a rebel and did what she actually wants to but she doesn't. Because I know she felt the same way about me-- but then again, maybe she feels the same way about Ez. Maybe she's a serial monogamist when it comes to the friends she substitutes for her lover who is never there apparently. Whatever. I just think I should have bailed when I started feeling really hurt by her. I should have fucking bailed but I couldn't... because I was so needy. and while I did not expect Sammy to hang out with me she did, and she seemed to want me to come seek HER out for some reason but when I said I could not it ... confused her ? I do not know what she was thinking because she doesn't tell me. So... fuck that. I need people who can tell me their innermost thoughts. Also tell me the truth.
Like did Sammy tell me I was good looking just to assuage my ego? Or did she think I am? I will never know. I don't care right now because who gives a shit what she thinks now. But I am curious and always will be. Why show me pictures of your long tattooed legs stretched out on a hammock; or invite me to peruse all your pictures of you on all social media including you in your underwear... why show me these things freely, knowing how I feel... encouraging it even. Then when it happens that I got attached, it's BAIL OUT. So obviously taunting and teasing then when it has the desired effect that person is bad. Well I don't give a fuck if your'e married, those were some mixed signals. And while I have never cheated, and been with someone who was engaged only once and hate myself for it-- gotta say you knew what you were doing, Sam. Why do I have to pay for this forever? Fuck you.
Where was I. Oh yes. Killing time. Waiting for the heat to dissipate... looks like its' going to hang in there for most of the month. Fucking fuck. I'm eager to get out and about but 'feels like' temps being around 101 degrees I'm like no, let's skip it. That's a bit much. It really is. I'm sucking on B12 and eating like crazy so my body is burning calories and that's making me hot anyway, no need to be out in it. God it's hot. And oh lord....
the pot this guy has. I think I'll stick with what I have. Those cartridges are fucking insane. I can see why people seem to be on harder drugs. Pure pot oil is like... say goodbye to doing anything other than watching the weather channel. Fuck. The establishment is missing a real bet here. You give people that shit once an hour and apparently they will work until the drop, happily, very happily. Dose people with this and they'll just mindlessly move rocks in the mud all day in 100 degrees. fuck.
Nano Wrimo is coming
I have all the time in the world to finally try and complete Nano Wrimo -- if I can just get some discipline going here. I mean, I'm placing B12 lozenges under my tongue like 3x a day now. I feel better. I do. I feel nearly coalesced into something solid and human.
The heat is making it pretty difficult to assess my physical situation as it's just too hot to do anything strenuous. Walking one mile a day is about it until the weather breaks. It's just too much. The parking lot is blacktop too, makes it so much hotter in the immediate area outside the apartment. I'd be out in the parking lot right now making some stencils or something but good lord it has to wait. I have looked into fishing, magnet fishing etc along the creek. The creek is a mile away, a nice jaunt. Soon as the weather permits I'll be magnet fishing. To fish for live fish I have to have a license! OR an Alabama ID. I do not want to get an Alabama ID. I prefer my Arizona ID which doesn't expire until 2027. Ha! Imagine. I have 7 years before I have to fucking worry about going to the DMV again. Why would I trade that for a state ID ? NOT GOING TO.
the next door neighbor... I lost all hope already. Thought it might be fun to have an older, supposedly wiser lesbian living next to me but she's a fucking carbon copy of all the others. Sure I'll give her a chance to redeem herself but it's going to be hard after this morning. I was cleaning out the back shed. There's all kinds of her wood in there from her remodel and she's pretty concerned over it. I was lifting a piece up to examine the nails sticking out of it and she came right up to me and put her damn hands on it and started twisting it, while I had my hands on it. A nail pushed into my bare foot. I asked her to stop and she could not comprehend what I was saying. "PLease stop twisting the board! there's a nail in my foot!" did NOT register. she kept at it. I screwed my face up and took the pain and was glad when she stepped away from me. I don't like being that close to strangers and certainly not people who smoke Pall Malls and own Maltese named Norma Jean (jesus christ can we be any more cliche than naming our stupid pure breed dog after Marilyn Monroe)? I don't like her, she looks like and even sounds like my ex Diane. With the perfect car, the perfect clothes, and the nasty messy brain. No thank you. And stop smoking outside my bedroom window, that's going to stop. Toot fucking sweet. I ain't your typical nice dyke. I'm a trans man, and I stand up for myself and I don't like inhaling your ciggie smoke you coughing shithead. haha! Made a neighbor into an enemy and she doesn't even know it.
I know my proclivity to vilify people before I get to know them. I'm not going to do that this time. I'm going to forgive her and have patience with her. She sent her dog over to me to get to know me and she sent her nephew over too. I'm going to give him the Iron Man toy I found in the dumpster at my sister's. It is a good solid toy with no removable parts and it's really well built. I think he can have a lot of fun with it in the yard. I can put it on the little play lawnmower. I have to ask her first if Iron Man is ok to give though. What if they don't subscribe to super hero movies. I don't know. I really want to get out and about but this heat! Oh god it's brutal. I was loving this summer until this week. It's SEPTEMBER for fucks sake. Anyhow this area is WILD just a few yards past any cleared plot of land. There are tangled wild areas of brush... one could ostensibly make a nice fort in the woods and doubt it would be discovered until they developed it. Might be time for me to make a new fort like when I was kid and have my own place to meditate away from the entire civilized world. Take my knife, take a hatchet. Build a fort.
heh. At 57, learning how to be a human for the first time. Welcome to my childhood, which was stolen from me at approximately 7 when Ev walked into my bedroom shaking his dick at my face and forcing me to do things. Time to stand up to men, stand up to evil. All across the board.
The heat is making it pretty difficult to assess my physical situation as it's just too hot to do anything strenuous. Walking one mile a day is about it until the weather breaks. It's just too much. The parking lot is blacktop too, makes it so much hotter in the immediate area outside the apartment. I'd be out in the parking lot right now making some stencils or something but good lord it has to wait. I have looked into fishing, magnet fishing etc along the creek. The creek is a mile away, a nice jaunt. Soon as the weather permits I'll be magnet fishing. To fish for live fish I have to have a license! OR an Alabama ID. I do not want to get an Alabama ID. I prefer my Arizona ID which doesn't expire until 2027. Ha! Imagine. I have 7 years before I have to fucking worry about going to the DMV again. Why would I trade that for a state ID ? NOT GOING TO.
the next door neighbor... I lost all hope already. Thought it might be fun to have an older, supposedly wiser lesbian living next to me but she's a fucking carbon copy of all the others. Sure I'll give her a chance to redeem herself but it's going to be hard after this morning. I was cleaning out the back shed. There's all kinds of her wood in there from her remodel and she's pretty concerned over it. I was lifting a piece up to examine the nails sticking out of it and she came right up to me and put her damn hands on it and started twisting it, while I had my hands on it. A nail pushed into my bare foot. I asked her to stop and she could not comprehend what I was saying. "PLease stop twisting the board! there's a nail in my foot!" did NOT register. she kept at it. I screwed my face up and took the pain and was glad when she stepped away from me. I don't like being that close to strangers and certainly not people who smoke Pall Malls and own Maltese named Norma Jean (jesus christ can we be any more cliche than naming our stupid pure breed dog after Marilyn Monroe)? I don't like her, she looks like and even sounds like my ex Diane. With the perfect car, the perfect clothes, and the nasty messy brain. No thank you. And stop smoking outside my bedroom window, that's going to stop. Toot fucking sweet. I ain't your typical nice dyke. I'm a trans man, and I stand up for myself and I don't like inhaling your ciggie smoke you coughing shithead. haha! Made a neighbor into an enemy and she doesn't even know it.
I know my proclivity to vilify people before I get to know them. I'm not going to do that this time. I'm going to forgive her and have patience with her. She sent her dog over to me to get to know me and she sent her nephew over too. I'm going to give him the Iron Man toy I found in the dumpster at my sister's. It is a good solid toy with no removable parts and it's really well built. I think he can have a lot of fun with it in the yard. I can put it on the little play lawnmower. I have to ask her first if Iron Man is ok to give though. What if they don't subscribe to super hero movies. I don't know. I really want to get out and about but this heat! Oh god it's brutal. I was loving this summer until this week. It's SEPTEMBER for fucks sake. Anyhow this area is WILD just a few yards past any cleared plot of land. There are tangled wild areas of brush... one could ostensibly make a nice fort in the woods and doubt it would be discovered until they developed it. Might be time for me to make a new fort like when I was kid and have my own place to meditate away from the entire civilized world. Take my knife, take a hatchet. Build a fort.
heh. At 57, learning how to be a human for the first time. Welcome to my childhood, which was stolen from me at approximately 7 when Ev walked into my bedroom shaking his dick at my face and forcing me to do things. Time to stand up to men, stand up to evil. All across the board.
Yeah it WAS actually all my fault
There was that time earlier in the year when I had been playing with Sammy every day almost and then she stopped and went to play the other game mode. That is the moment I felt BAD, and hurt. That is the moment I knew something was very wrong. That is the moment I should have left. I should have left the discord THEN. Quietly.
Instead I burned down so many bridges and now they all speak of my badly when and if they ever do. They managed to cut me out surgically because I spoke the truth to them. This is what narcissists do. They use someone like me to find each other then they pile it on and cut me out. I'm like a magnet. Its so fucked.
Instead I burned down so many bridges and now they all speak of my badly when and if they ever do. They managed to cut me out surgically because I spoke the truth to them. This is what narcissists do. They use someone like me to find each other then they pile it on and cut me out. I'm like a magnet. Its so fucked.
Tuesday, September 3, 2019
What a morning!
Internet was out, roommate didn't pay the bill. I panicked but he called me and asked me to pay it, he'll give me cash when he gets home. I hope he does. If not I'm taking it off next months' rent. It was 250 bucks.
I feel pretty good today. went and mailed my letter, had a little walk, now resting, got banned from Facebook for a week for a post I made. Made a new account. Will not add so many people to this one. Will pick and choose only select few leftists.
The apartment is shaping up. I will leave here asap but want to leave it 10x nicer than when I arrived, as I usually try to do. Except at my sister's where I left some boxes and a bed for her to deal with. Fuck her.
I made breakfast-- need to buy some bacon though. Eggs & toast, the jam was exquisite. Thank you Aldi's for the really good blackberry jam. I needed that with my Irish Butter. Too bad it wasn't a scone but white toast is ok for now. I should attempt to make scones.
Gotta get a chair for sitting outside. I can't bring myself to ask the weird dyke next door if I can use one of hers. She seems awful fucking JUDGY!
I feel pretty good today. went and mailed my letter, had a little walk, now resting, got banned from Facebook for a week for a post I made. Made a new account. Will not add so many people to this one. Will pick and choose only select few leftists.
The apartment is shaping up. I will leave here asap but want to leave it 10x nicer than when I arrived, as I usually try to do. Except at my sister's where I left some boxes and a bed for her to deal with. Fuck her.
I made breakfast-- need to buy some bacon though. Eggs & toast, the jam was exquisite. Thank you Aldi's for the really good blackberry jam. I needed that with my Irish Butter. Too bad it wasn't a scone but white toast is ok for now. I should attempt to make scones.
Gotta get a chair for sitting outside. I can't bring myself to ask the weird dyke next door if I can use one of hers. She seems awful fucking JUDGY!
Monday, September 2, 2019
Out with the old and in with the ... old?
Totally set K free today. I feel ambivalent about it. I felt worse letting Sammy go. What does that say about my relationship with K!? It says it was often tense, often strained, often one sided. How many times did I kiss her ass and tell her how wonderful she was, and how she's my bff etc, only to get NOTHING in return. Why did I-- why. Look, K, I took it as far as I could. My shedding of people is necessary for me to make room for new folk. I'm glad you're politically active, however that must look in your weird paranoid world. But to have to encrypt every e-mail I send just because it mentions Antifa; like the NSA doesn't already have my address, phone number and if they take me down they'll come question you no doubt. But you ain't done shit. Or have you?
I just got banned from Facebook for 7 days. Someone reported my video that showed 200,000 American Nazis gathering at Madison Square Garden back during World War 2. Because the screenshot has a swastika on it. Some democrat reported me. Now, tell me I'm wrong about liberals. The women in my super secret sub-reddit shitting all over me for my politics. I had the fear of god coming out as trans in there and what is the issue that actually takes me down: politics. Like, you idiots, what good trans person would NOT be a lefty right now? Der.
And so B. and I have been getting along well via message and email , she's been smothering me with concern. Then M. and I had a lovely conversation on the PHONE of all things, for a good hour at least. And we talked Communism, Marx, Socialism, Unions, etc. and not once did either of us become paranoid. We came to the conclusion that K.'s company must be hella scary to work for if all political comms between us needed to be encrypted. That got old. I set her free. I am totally out in the world alone right now and it feels refreshing. I have a few anchors, a few people to keep me sane via phone/email. Otherwise, I am free-floating. Just need to get to Portland before school starts. I got this.
**********
Made new gaymer friends; I feel like this purge is going nicely. I need new friends, woke friends, revolutionary friends. I got me two today! This is great. I want to retool my life.
I just got banned from Facebook for 7 days. Someone reported my video that showed 200,000 American Nazis gathering at Madison Square Garden back during World War 2. Because the screenshot has a swastika on it. Some democrat reported me. Now, tell me I'm wrong about liberals. The women in my super secret sub-reddit shitting all over me for my politics. I had the fear of god coming out as trans in there and what is the issue that actually takes me down: politics. Like, you idiots, what good trans person would NOT be a lefty right now? Der.
And so B. and I have been getting along well via message and email , she's been smothering me with concern. Then M. and I had a lovely conversation on the PHONE of all things, for a good hour at least. And we talked Communism, Marx, Socialism, Unions, etc. and not once did either of us become paranoid. We came to the conclusion that K.'s company must be hella scary to work for if all political comms between us needed to be encrypted. That got old. I set her free. I am totally out in the world alone right now and it feels refreshing. I have a few anchors, a few people to keep me sane via phone/email. Otherwise, I am free-floating. Just need to get to Portland before school starts. I got this.
**********
Made new gaymer friends; I feel like this purge is going nicely. I need new friends, woke friends, revolutionary friends. I got me two today! This is great. I want to retool my life.
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