3 days of peace

I mean, I had three days without Mike around.  Hear keys in the door then there's a woman in my room sitting on my bed and I'm freaking out; it's his ex and she's there to tell me I HAVE to go get Mike's car so i can pick him up in the morning. Holy fuck I did not want to so I told her no but she talked me into it; I was tempted to run right then but she promised to talk to him and she did and he was contrite enough that the morning wasn't horrid when I picked him up at the jail.

  Then he drove himself to work and got in trouble for it, he's not supposed to drive himself anywhere. And now I have his ex g/f's support, and the next door neighbor's support. Mike's supposed to be in jail when not at work, and I'm not going to allow him to hang out here if he's not working. I'm just not. Right now as it stands,
Mike is to be in jail when not at work according to his work release. He's not to drive. If he violates these rules I will be calling his ex who will chastise him then call the police if necessary.

  This has him in the apartment only an hour here and an hour there. I'd say though that for being in jail having an hour in your apartment to shit shower and shave and get your high on is quite the luxury. Much less 2 hours.

  Been texting and messaging B. a lot, it's really nice to finally get to know her. I was not receptive to her exoticness when we were together. But she IS amazed at how much I remember from our time together, she does not remember much of it. I'm finding out such interesting and sorrowful and lovely things about her.

  M. sent me a birthday card... B. was going to but asked first and I said dont', no one knows how long I'll be here. But M. didn't ask and just sent it, so it was nice to get. Very nice card. B. is going to transfer me money. What dear friends I have ... that I rarely see. I need friends that I can see... but for now these are the best remote friends one can have. M. goes above and beyond for me. It's touching every single day.

My stuff is stored

So now I'm down to just a few things. I have been getting rid of excess weight and condensing things. There are still things I will get rid of before I leave the state, like ... face lotion and razors and clippers. Stuff I will hang on to until I leave. So I have been throwing out clothes and shoes and all kinds of crap.

  My friend Mikki came up from Birmingham to gather my belongings for me. Now 90 percent of my stuff is in a safe place. Free storage, Mikki's the best. Now I have my bike & desktop which I will probably trade for a really  nice Chromebook. The bike ... man it's going to be too hot to ride it right up until it's cold, looks like. I wont be using it.

 Still pissed off at Sammy. I could so use a good friend right now and thinking I had one that was going to be on this journey with me... only to find out that they are lazy, boring bougie twats, well that is going to rankle for some time. Emotionally lazy I mean. I do not give a flying fuck how hard you work at your stupid bougie job. You said you'd be there and you dropped me like a hot potato after leading me on and you can suck it. I'm still pissed off.

Stuck again

Well things went to shit fast as they usually do when you're poor and have few options. This guy -- I called him out on his shit and he went ballistic but then after threatening to have the cops throw my shit out and put me in jail for trespassing he hugged me and said it was all good. So I'm asking M to come get my boxes, since I may need to be out on the street soon. I can't be worrying about all this stuff I have. This guy is a loose cannon.

  I am too sapped in dealing with him to write or eat or anything. I Have got to find a safe haven somewhere

Heat will break soon

Looks like we have another week or so of this insane 100 degree (feels like) temperature forecast. It's getting up to 95 or so with a feels like of 100 plus. I loathe going outside to do anything.

  We got rid of the tweaker who stopped being helpful and did not end up giving me a tattoo sadly. I was ready! Sadly we tore up numerous pencils for no reason. Or perhaps she managed to keep the pencil lead to give someone a shitty tweaker tat. Who knows. My roommate is fucking impossible to deal with... well he's possible to deal with but it's not helping my mental state much. NO comfort or anything from him but absolute chaos. I am getting up at 4 am to go collect him from jail and taking him back at 8 pm. He fucks around the entire way to and from the jail and drives high as a kite. I expect to die in a fiery crash any night now. (I drive to jail to get him, he drives me home, despite this being illegal).

 Not sure how long I'm supposed to do this, or how long I can take it. It does mean I have the place to myself from 8:30 to 5 am then from about 7 am to 7-pm.

  And I was just informed I am to sweep and mop the downstairs as he has someone coming by to look at the extra room. If it's another tweaker I'm going to have to be out of here.

So much has happened. AND, it's HOT

My roommate is in jail. Apparently he was arrested last month and released to work and was supposed to take drug tests but refused and was found to have marijuana in his system (they said nothing about the other drugs! WTF) and so he's on work release now. He thought they'd let him drive his own car to work but he's to be driven by me. I will be getting up at 0 dark thirty to drive him to work. He has said he will pay me. I will have the use of the car meanwhile.

  I can get a lot done in a few weeks with a car. I can get my things in order, I can ship my belongings and I can properly sell my computer and bike instead of taking them to a pawn shop. Any money Mike might actually pay  me I can give to the neighbor, whom he owes-- thus engendering good faith between all. I doubt she would accept it. But she turns out be a much better person than I judged her for. She totally 'gets' the way the state/criminal justice system is nickle and diming Mike and she knows he hasn't the mental energy for the fight to get out from under it. She has his social security card and will be paying rent for us on the 3rd if he's not out of jail. I'm to ask him , when I hear from him again, where his car is parked, and when he's to be released from jail for good.

  I have paid 260 for cable, and 120 for utilities. I have given him 100 for a deposit, and 400 for rent. That's all nearly 700 and so looks like I'll not be paying rent next month. I spent a pretty sleepless night last night worrying thinking I might have to bolt from here but it looks like the neighbor is cool and rent will be paid so it seems all will be well as long as she holds on to his card, he keeps getting his SSI, and the woman he brought home doesn't OD or anything like that. She's currently trying to not use any meth this morning although I know she did some earlier. I gave her some Naproxen Sodium and I hope that helps her, she's twisting around and sweating and talking to herself but she's lucid and cognizant enough, not tweaking or anything. God this is depressing from their point of view.

  Mike is a mess. He's not giving one shit about his own body or life. All he cares about is getting to his job. He smokes pot, does meth, sleeps, works. Eats whatever comes across his path when he's hungry. Drinks Pepsi all day long in order to work. Has drugs in his car... antidepressants he doesn't take, and some pain pills for nerve damage. I saw him pop one before he went in to court. I do not know how he managed to stay awake through the lawyer session. the man's body has got to be in turmoil. I don't think he ever drinks a drop of water or eats any vegetables that do not come on a burger. A 3 day old burger that has been sitting in the fridge. UGH

  The guy nods off in front of the TV watching videos on his phone. Then sleeps with his hands down his pants a-la Al Bundy. But he's been nothing but decent, nice, and caring to me. I'm learning so much, to be honest, about life on the streets as a criminal trying to work. Mike is in the enclave called "Alternative Sentencing" in which they keep you in jail and get the monies from you for fines, fees, court costs etc, AND they get the money from the for-profit prison system, because you take up a bed and eat their food. THEN they allow you to go to work so you still make money to be taxed and you still get to pay rent on the place you can't sleep at or go to. I saw a paper with a list of his fines for yesterday and it was like 14,000 dollars. Plus he has to pay his probation officer 40 bucks each time they meet? FOR WHAT??? That's two bags of basic groceries. BASIC. Mike shows no indication of ever changing, and his body isn't going to be able to keep this work up for long. He'll be on full disability soon, and will probably perish in an apartment fire since the cigarettes he smokes often can be found half burned on the floor or table then next morning. I don't care enough about this shitty life to worry about burning to death in my sleep, to be honest.  If that is how it goes down , so be it.

  I just want to get my shit together, get my brain working well enough for school, my body in shape, and get out of this state. It's so fucking hot right now that nothing can really be done. September has turned into HELL MONTH. JFC this summer just got brootal.

A COUP! And, an important day

 My super secret lesbian sub splintered today.  At my suggestion. Well others were talking about it but it LOOKS like everyone was waiting to see what I would do. So I made a post about splintering, and within a half hour, one of the old mods of the crappy sub which used to be my favorite had  made a new sub and now we have a progressive home.
  It was an entire day of arguing about hate speech and TERFS (Trans Exclusionary radical feminists). TERFS use hate speech and some TERFS were recruited on purpose. Friends of the mods apparently. So we trans got up in arms and shit went down and we splintered. It was a big day for me because some great people came to my aid, backed me up, supported my words, and defended me. All while the TERFS degraded me, called me  names and said I was crazy etc. They all remind me of my sister. They know not one fucking thing about anything to do with trans rights or the like, and they don't understand it so they are afraid. And they try to back up their unrealistic beliefs with jargon they heard in some debate somewhere. I heard someone refer to a statement as a back pedal when it was clearly not and I heard someone say I'd gotten an intractable roll (??) -- they use these weird sayings and phrases like my sister, that are out of context and not ... they don't fit the situation. Gaslighting, subterfuge, obfuscation and prestidigitation are their tools. Making it SEEM to the world like they know what they are talking about but they do not. It's an echo chamber just like all the other echo chambers.
  Anyhow I did not back down, I did not lose my shit, and I did not flounce. I haven't even un-subbed yet. But I am going to tomorrow after I make sure everyone that wants an invite to the new sub gets one. We did a great thing today, standing up for trans rights. And lots of people came along with me.

  To all of these people my malnourishment and my B12 problem is a joke. They literally said I was 'blaming shit on the vitamin deficiency' when I was so weakened by it and the malnourishment I was hitting walls, stumbling, feinting.

TAT postponed, but working on it

New roommate can't get to her tattoo supplies so we are looking to buy a set if we can find an affordable kit. I've learned how to make prison tattoos as of yesterday. Ink can be made from : pencil lead, or the inner guts of playing cards, or you can burn paper and use the ash. she has a prison tattoo needle. I am going to try to get some playing cards today. I want this to happen.

  I helped my homeless friend out yesterday by washing her clothes and feeding her and buying her milk and OJ. She seems to be eating much better. she's cleaned the entire living room, washed the walls and everything. It's too hot to do ANYTHING right now but soon as it cools we're going to go magnet fishing. Soon as I find the creek lol. I found 3 railroad spikes at the railroad tracks the other day. Wish I had a coal forge & an anvil!

  Mike is going to get put on work release tomorrow morning. We'd been having some concerns with him as he seems to "SLEEP JERK". Meaning in his sleep he has his hand down his pants; and he sleeps on the couch with no blanket. Yes, he is deffo asleep when this is happening -- so we won't have to be exposed to that for a while. He's going to be sleeping in jail for a bit. Otherwise nothing changes. He'll be coming here to eat and have a shower etc. But, I won't be exposed to his cigarette smoke all night so things are looking up for me!

 I've gotten the woman to smoke outside. I've had some headaches from the inside smoking.. .can't keep that up too  long. The heat here is unbearable despite this COLD as fUCK AC. Summer is brutal now-- it was so nice for so long I forgot how horrid it has been in recent years. Oh well.

  I found this picture from when I was living at my mom's and dying my hair, when I had met K.
  This is approx. 9 years ago. Flagstaff, Arizona

The bike is ready!

 Spent the morning walking to Walmart (vomit) and buying : bike pump, bike lock (cheap one, just for running into a store), bike lube, helmet. The helmet... it's a child sized. It was the only child sized helmet at Walmart that I liked. It fit perfectly but it did not have a label so they asked me where I got it.
   First off, it was like early as fuck and I hadn't had any coffee or vitamins (trying to get the walk/shopping over before the day got hot!) and I had only been to that Walmart once. They looked at me like I was crazy when I said I had no idea where I got the helmet from. I felt high as a kite but I had not smoked anything since the previous night! It was me, being confused as hell, and them, asking where I got the helmet and getting irate at me. I almost walked out but I really wanted that helmet. Anyhow I got the fucking helmet and I walked home with it and the other stuff and then I took a shower. Then I trotted out the bike and the nosy next door neighbor had to have her say in everything. But I got it working, its' all tuned up. The wheels are in great alignment. The brakes are working fine. My bike tools have rusted but I got them cleaned up. We're ready to roll should it ever cool the fuck down, whoa it's hot as fuck.
 
  Mike and the homeless woman are downstairs. She's smoking meth in the bathroom; Mike is passed out from his pot carts. Me, I'm sitting here talking to my ex (B. -- K abandoned me. Fuck K) about her dying kitty. And talking to M about her kid's upcoming history test. I have found 2 new (OLD) friends. Hooray for cleaning house.

Mountain Honey

 I was on the fence about the tattoo but then the universe plopped a tattoo artist down in my lap so looks like it's happening after all. A tattoo to remember this year by. The worst and most informative year of my life.

  Summed up by a tattoo that says MOUNTAIN HONEY.  I cannot wait. Where should I put it. HHmmmm

Who the fuck is this girl downstairs

My roommate is about my age, a man who works construction. I know nothing about his family or friends. There is a young woman downstairs and I do not know if she is a prostitute or a friend or his daughter or what. I made her coffee and talked to her a bit, she's as uneducated as a rock. In fact a rock would have been on the earth long enough to absorb more information. We could not be two more different people. She's sitting on the couch texting, writing something in a notebook... could she be in High School? holy fuck. she's been smoking all day inside. I have a terrible headache from it. TOO HOT outside. I have the fan pointed at my door. My serenity has been BROACHED. Oh well.

  Had a nice talk on the phone with an ex. I wish I'd been more mature when we were together. I had so much to learn from her and had to go learn it on my own, she could have and would have saved me so much time. It really is too bad we had to go our separate ways for so long to come to the conclusion we make good friends. She is pro- WARREN though and I have to nip that in the bud. Listening to her drive around Brooklyn looking for a street vendor in order to buy a cousin a home made gift is absolutely heart warming. Being a huge fan of street vendor art and products I heartily approve. I really wish I was rich and could just pop up for a visit. I really did want to meet her mother. I keep my eyes on airfare. Just in case. This would be a nice time to have a credit card. Brooklyn in the fall. Maybe I can swing it. Although she's headed into High Holy Days. Might be too tight.

 

No Seriously. I need to listen to pay attention to red flags

  She made fun of me for  using mods in Fallout 4. Dismissed me rudely about it, saying it was 'cheating'. When in fact it is merely manipulating the game to do things we want it to. Things she would have liked it to do. This was my first red flag and I did not understand it at the time but now I do. This is the way substanceless people go about their day. Pretending to know something about something and lying and subterfuge when it comes to brass tacks. They ride on my back all the way to the top then oust me every time because I won't stand up for myself. Just like my sister who could not break into theater or rugby on her own but when I joined, she joined, and took over the club or organization and alienated me from both of those. And now she can sit around pretending to be a stage manager when she's just sitting there keeping track of everyone, shittiest director's assistant in town and hasn't even acted herself in decades. Just like S. Pretending to be this or that but in truth, just a sad, lonely husk of a person. Why do I elevate these losers. I think it's because they have the trappings of 'success' but they also have the stink of desperation about them.

  She's wrong and she knows it. She's unhappy and she knows it. She's a fake, a fraud, a liar. And she knows it. Me, I'd let her come up behind me and fall in step with me where she belongs but she won't. She'll stay in that whitewashed boring shit life, same as before. same as it ever was. While I go exploring, adventuring. In real life. come see me in real life you chicken shit. Talking about how you can never come to the US because your husband smokes pot. OMG. Fuck off with that noise and just hop a plane and go to the US and stop holding that shit over people's heads. Do you purposely pick people from the US so you can't visit them? Is your husband using a keylogger on you or what? Something ain't right over there.

Smart & Resourceful

 The vitamin B12 seems to have been the TICKET.  Bruises faded fast, toe healing, brain feeling great, get this: my once always erect nipples have gone soft for the first time in ... like 20 or so  years ... ? All this time it was a B12 deficiency that plagued me? Holy cow. I even did 5 push ups. Have to go really slow & careful with recovering and then building muscle. they were not full push ups either but as good as my first attempt when trying to get into the military at the age of 32. I'm going to push myself to qualify for what would have been my 20th or so year in the military had I stayed. Pushups, situps, 2 mile run. That is my goal. Soon as it dips below 75 during the day! No way I can run or even walk fast in this shit. Even early morning has been muggy as fuck. Except this morning, I hear. Thinking it would be muggy, I slept until nearly 7 then stayed in bed another few hours reading. I did go outside to check the mail but it was beautiful. Not muggy... it was a perfectly dry hot day and felt so good. I can't remember a HOT summer's day feeling so good on my skin... and I said as much to the lady from the corner apartment... Lois. the one who loaned me the stamp... I said "Doesn't this summer remind you of how it used to be, back in the day when we were kids... and played outside in the sun and it never seemed so terribly hot like it is now... " and she said "I had to be out in the fields pulling cotton, when I was a kid". This woman is white. I did not know what to say to that. For some reason I said " I had to work on a horse ranch" but that sounds better for some reason. It might have seemed so as a kid, at the time. But the far reaching implications of it ... no one wants to have what I have as a result.

  I sat on my headphones and broke the left ear. They wouldn't sit tight on my head anymore. So without a second thought I got my elastic exercise band and wrapped it around my headphone ear cups, tied it at the back like an Apache. Problem solved. I'm a bloody thrifty fucking genius and will be very helpful in the post apocalyptic world. I do know a lot about survival. Not like that YouTube guy but more than your average Joe. And I say all that while remembering I do not have any weather-proof matches in my go bag. WTF Zed. You ordered a book on Marx before you ordered personal survival supplies. What kind of card -carrying commie are you. Idiot! So it's easy to make your own survival matches...

   Buy some strike-anywhere matches, dip the match in hot wax up to the middle of the matchstick. Put them all back in the box, put the box in a ziplock bag. Also have one of those striker thingys, it's good to have multiple ways. I have bic lighters. Not the best choice in the world. Better than nothing at all.

  In the coming weeks I will be sorting through my belongings and only taking the absolute necessities.  I will be probably making one box of mementoes and trying to find someone to hold on to them for me until I get settled. My rugby jerseys, my leather, my t-shirts. My boots. I refuse to get rid of my horse riding boots. Just in case. One never knows.

  I'll be saving up money.

Talked myself through it

 There was a bad moment last night; I had tried the cartridge and went one toke over the line, sweet jesus. I have never felt so all alone-- no mother, no father. No sister, no brother. No anyone except my lovely cousin in Scotland. Luke, you are my entire family now.

  I felt alone, and wondered why I should go on. Wondered what the point was. Imagined myself very old and very frail and hungry and covered in shit, as one does when one is poor and growing older.  Sentiment that my old punk friends that overdosed were the lucky ones. Graves, Preston.. you missed out on wondering if the entire world was going to starve and burn in your life time! Lucky devils.

  But I talked myself through it.  Knowing I found the perfect spot for me to heal in, having trusted the universe to grant me sanctuary! I leapt and the bridge appeared. Some say net but who wants to fall into a net? I say bridge. The bridge that appears like in that Indiana Jones movie. This is a good reminder, I told myself, that when the time comes, the bridge will also appear in Portland. Yes, yes it will. Saving of money is all that comes now. I will be my own hero, and land in Portland in time to go back to college, come hell or high water. I talked myself through this horrible panic attack last night and I can do it again. I do not need parents or siblings. I need friends. And I need friends that 'get it'. I will tell people straight up from now on. . . you want to be my friend? Great. Just promise to not bail if it gets shitty. Just come back in a while. And don't taunt me if you don't want me to fall in lust. Just don't. Because I do.

Dear Andy Ngo (or NO - GO as I like to call him)

 The Rolling Stone agrees with me. I think maybe it's not enough for everyone to agree with me because it's not like the world's most trusted journalist or anything but. They do have some weight. And they say the same thing I have been saying all along-- that you made this shit up. That you side with the FASCISTS and were inciting violence with your LIES and you are just a cunt like the PROUD BOYS and Prayer Saints or whatever the fuck they call themselves. Nationalists. what fucking idiot of a journalist sides with the fascists? You dumb fucking twat. You just borked yourself from ever getting any kind of real journalism award. Especially posthumously. Because you aligned yourself with the bad guys.

  Andy's CUM SHOT (there was no concrete, but there might have been jizz)

Killing Time

 Well another case of "Jesus Christ why can't I have THIS living situation only in Portland? "
  My roommate is chill as fuck. Never here, and when he is he's solid sleeping from working 14 hour days in the mud. I do his laundry and such happily. I just run around picking up his clothes and putting them in the washing machine. The machine takes like forever,  water saver.  But it's something I can do for him. I did cook some food: a big pot of chili and a pot of potatoes, making use of what was already here. He did like both! I was happy to hear. He's just working so hard... this guy. Must be about my age, or 60. Loves his job... no doubt because it's his world. I could see myself being this guy and being happy right up until my body gave up and I couldn't do it anymore. He's the born-male version of me had I stayed in Alabama from birth. The red clay mud on his shirts and in the fibers of his socks... it gets into your skin. Red neck... red ankles... red wrists. Red face, red everything. Orange, actually. It all turns a dull shade of orange. Roll fucking tide.

  Anyhow it's chill as fuck here. I have the place to myself all day and into the night. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is kind of fading. My sister is not coming home  this day. Or any day. I'll never see or hopefully hear from her again.  This is my struggle-- last night,

   Sitting here having tried (at his behest) this guy's vape pen and higher than god should allow, I felt the deepest longing for any human contact I've ever known. I felt completely alone, and felt as if it would behoove me to walk into the river with stones in my pockets like I felt when I was living with what's her name near 5 Points. That was horrid, more horrid than this current living situation. It wasn't the cockroaches, although I felt those to be horrible, it was the narcissism of the roommate. I can detect that shit now and it makes me depressed and such immediately upon finding it. It's like...

   It's like finding out someone you know and like is in the Republican party. It's a big huge red flag and it's going to always depress and horrify me. Like unzipping someone and finding snakes writhing about inside. I know now that my first impressions are spot - on and I need to follow those.
  Sammy was ... let's see. Sammy is probably not a narcissist but she's definitely a herd animal and afraid of actually going against the grain. I pegged her wrong, thought she was a rebel and did what she actually wants to but she doesn't. Because I know she felt the same way about me-- but then again, maybe she feels the same way about Ez. Maybe she's a serial monogamist when it comes to the friends she substitutes for her lover who is never there apparently. Whatever. I just think I should have bailed when I started feeling really hurt by her. I should have fucking bailed but I couldn't... because I was so needy.  and while I did not expect Sammy to hang out with me she did, and she seemed to want me to come seek HER out for some reason but when I said I could not it ... confused her ? I do not know what she was thinking because she doesn't tell me. So... fuck that. I need people who can tell me their innermost thoughts. Also tell me the truth.

  Like did Sammy tell me I was good looking just to assuage my ego? Or did she think I am? I will never know. I don't care right now because who gives a shit what she thinks now. But I am curious and always will be. Why show me pictures of your long tattooed legs stretched out on a hammock; or invite me to peruse all your pictures of you on all social media including you in your underwear... why show me these things freely, knowing how I feel... encouraging it even. Then when it happens that I got attached, it's BAIL OUT.  So obviously taunting and teasing then when it has the desired effect that person is bad. Well I don't give a fuck if your'e married,  those were some mixed signals. And while I have never cheated, and been with someone who was engaged only once and hate myself for it-- gotta say you knew what you were doing, Sam. Why do I have to pay for this forever? Fuck you.

  Where was I. Oh yes. Killing time. Waiting for the heat to dissipate... looks like its' going to hang in there for most of the month. Fucking fuck. I'm eager to get out and about but 'feels like' temps being around 101 degrees I'm like no, let's skip it. That's a bit much. It really is. I'm sucking on B12 and eating like crazy so my body is burning calories and that's making me hot anyway, no need to be out in it. God it's hot.  And oh lord....
   the pot this guy has. I think I'll stick with what I have. Those cartridges are fucking insane. I can see why people seem to be on harder drugs. Pure pot oil is like... say goodbye to doing anything other than watching the weather channel. Fuck. The establishment is missing a real bet here. You give people that shit once an hour and apparently they will work until the drop, happily, very happily. Dose people with this and they'll just mindlessly move rocks in the mud all day in 100 degrees. fuck.

Nano Wrimo is coming

 I have all the time in the world to finally try and complete Nano Wrimo -- if I can just get some discipline going here. I mean, I'm placing B12 lozenges under my tongue like 3x a day now. I feel better. I do. I feel nearly coalesced into something solid and human.

  The heat is making it pretty difficult to assess my physical situation as it's just too hot to do anything strenuous. Walking one mile a day is about it until the weather breaks. It's just too much. The parking lot is blacktop too, makes it so much hotter in the immediate area outside the apartment. I'd be out in the parking lot right now making some stencils or something but good lord it has to wait. I have looked into fishing, magnet fishing etc along the creek. The creek is a mile away, a nice jaunt. Soon as the weather permits I'll be magnet fishing. To fish for live fish I have to have  a license! OR an Alabama ID. I do not want to get an Alabama ID. I prefer my Arizona ID which doesn't expire until 2027. Ha! Imagine. I have 7 years before I have to fucking worry about going to the DMV again. Why would I trade that for a state ID ? NOT GOING TO.

   the next door neighbor... I lost all hope already. Thought it might be fun to have an older, supposedly wiser lesbian living next to me but she's a fucking carbon copy of all the others. Sure I'll give her a chance to redeem herself but it's going to be hard after this morning. I was cleaning out the back shed. There's all kinds of her wood in there from her remodel and she's pretty concerned over it. I was lifting a piece up to examine the nails sticking out of it and she came right up to me and put her damn hands on it and started twisting it, while I had my hands on it.  A nail pushed into my bare foot. I asked her to stop and she could not comprehend what I was saying. "PLease stop twisting the board! there's a nail in my foot!" did NOT register. she kept at it. I screwed my face up and took the pain and was glad when she stepped away from me. I don't like being that close to strangers and certainly not people who smoke Pall Malls and own Maltese named Norma Jean (jesus christ can we be any more cliche than naming our stupid pure breed dog after Marilyn Monroe)? I don't like her, she looks like and even sounds like my ex Diane. With the perfect car, the perfect clothes, and the nasty messy brain. No thank you. And stop smoking outside my bedroom window, that's going to stop. Toot fucking sweet. I ain't your typical nice dyke. I'm a trans man, and I stand up for myself and I don't like inhaling your ciggie smoke you coughing shithead. haha! Made a neighbor into an enemy and she doesn't even know it.

  I know my proclivity to vilify people before I get to know them. I'm not going to do that this time. I'm going to forgive her and have patience with her. She sent her dog over to me to get to know me and she sent her nephew over too. I'm going to give him the Iron Man toy I found in the dumpster at my sister's.  It is a good solid toy with no removable parts and it's really well built. I think he can have a lot of fun with it in the yard. I can put it on the little play lawnmower. I have to ask her first if Iron Man is ok to give though. What if they don't subscribe to super hero movies. I don't know. I really want to get out and about but this heat! Oh god it's brutal. I was loving this summer until this week. It's SEPTEMBER for fucks sake. Anyhow this area is WILD just a few yards past any cleared plot of land. There are tangled wild areas of brush... one could ostensibly make a nice fort in the woods and doubt it would be discovered until they developed it. Might be time for me to make a new fort like when I was kid and have my own place to meditate away from the entire civilized world. Take my knife, take a hatchet. Build a fort.

 heh. At 57, learning how to be a human for the first time. Welcome to my childhood, which was stolen from me at approximately 7 when Ev walked into my bedroom shaking his dick at my face and forcing me to do things. Time to stand up to men, stand up to evil. All across the board.

Yeah it WAS actually all my fault

There was that time earlier in the year when I had been playing with Sammy every day almost and then she stopped and went to play the other game mode. That is the moment I felt BAD, and hurt. That is the moment I knew something was very wrong. That is the moment I should have left. I should have left the discord THEN. Quietly.

  Instead I burned down so many bridges and now they all speak of my badly when and if they ever do. They managed to cut me out surgically because I spoke the truth to them. This is what narcissists do. They use someone like me to find each other then they pile it on and cut me out. I'm like a magnet. Its so fucked.

What a morning!

Internet was out, roommate didn't pay the bill. I panicked but he called me and asked me to pay it, he'll give me cash when he gets home. I hope he does. If not I'm taking it off next months' rent. It was 250 bucks.
  I feel pretty good today. went and mailed my letter, had a little walk, now resting, got banned from Facebook for a week for a post I made. Made a new account. Will not add so many people to this one. Will pick and choose only select few leftists.
  The apartment is shaping up. I will leave here asap but want to leave it 10x nicer than when I arrived, as I usually try to do. Except at my sister's where I left some boxes and a bed for her to deal with. Fuck her.
 I made breakfast-- need to buy some bacon though. Eggs & toast, the jam was exquisite. Thank you Aldi's for the really good blackberry jam. I needed that with my Irish Butter. Too bad it wasn't a scone but white toast is ok for now. I should attempt to make scones.
 Gotta get a chair for sitting outside. I can't bring myself to ask the weird dyke  next door if I can use one of hers. She seems awful fucking JUDGY!

Out with the old and in with the ... old?

  Totally set K free today. I feel ambivalent about it. I felt worse letting Sammy go. What does that say about my relationship with K!? It says it was often tense, often strained, often one sided. How many times did I kiss her ass and tell her how wonderful she was, and how she's my bff etc, only to get NOTHING in return. Why did I-- why.  Look, K,  I took it as far as I could. My shedding of people is necessary for me to make room for new folk. I'm glad you're politically active, however that must look in your weird paranoid world. But to have to encrypt every e-mail I send just because it mentions Antifa; like the NSA doesn't already have my address, phone number and if they take me down they'll come question you no doubt. But you ain't done shit. Or have you?

  I just got banned from Facebook for 7 days. Someone reported my video that showed 200,000 American Nazis gathering at Madison Square Garden back during World War 2.  Because the screenshot has a swastika on it. Some democrat reported me.  Now, tell me I'm wrong about liberals. The women in my super secret sub-reddit shitting all over me for my politics. I had the fear of god coming out as trans in there and what is the issue that actually takes me down: politics. Like, you idiots, what good trans person would NOT be a lefty right now? Der.

  And so B. and I have been getting along well via message and email , she's been smothering me with concern. Then M. and I had a lovely conversation on the PHONE of all things, for a good hour at least. And we talked Communism, Marx, Socialism, Unions, etc. and not once did either of us become paranoid. We came to the conclusion that K.'s company must be hella scary to work for if all political comms between us needed to be encrypted. That got old.  I set her free. I am totally out in the world alone right now and it feels refreshing. I have a few anchors, a few people to keep me sane via phone/email. Otherwise, I am free-floating.  Just need to get to Portland before school starts. I got this.
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Made new gaymer friends; I feel like this purge is going nicely. I need new friends, woke friends, revolutionary friends. I got me two today! This is great. I want to retool my life.